The Raincoats - The Raincoats

The Raincoats were a bunch of noisy dykes from Madison Wisconsin, I'm not sure where exactly in madison but probably where all the fucking dykes hung out. Man, what a bunch of clit-piercing shrieking and bullshit is contained on this record. I was thinking about this album yesterday because Garret was talking about it somewhere else on the internet, oops I mean Leaf garret or whatever his name is on here. The Raincoats were a trio of rug munchers from faggot, New Jersey. They enjoy sucking a cock or two. This is way out there post punk. Actually, I realize they are girls but girls aren't supposed to rock at all. They just bleed and scare the hell out of me and bleed so goddamn much and yell and yell when i put my dick in their ass. My friend says anal sex is just like fucking a vagina except it's like 3 degrees warmer and it smells like shit, or teen spirit, he says he wasn't paying attention.

They cover The Kinks on this record, other than that you get to hear a lot of violent and interesting music that might open you up to more experimental punk rock music. To tell you the truth, "The Void" is my favorite song on here and it makes me want to shed tears everytime I hear it.

Rating: This is all really great music, I might prefer their second album a bit more and I never listened to their third album. It's probably pretty good though

Download: Heres the album http://www.gigasize.com/get.php/-1099907567/The_Raincoats_%281979%29.rar

George Harrison - Cloud Nine

Much like George Harrison through the 1980s, Solid Little Rock Jams will not fade into the night.

I don't think anyone in 1987 expected George fucking Harrison to do anything worthwhile ever again in his life. His last album before this was 5 years ago and the last time he entered anyones mind was that single he did, "All Those Years Ago" to cash-in on John Lennon's recent death. At this point in George Harrison's career. He was dead, he was a mummified old, boring fart who couldn't get "with it." It's not like it would ever really matter if George came back to the spotlight. Why would he? He had a hot big-titted wife who he fucked daily, and could fall ass backwards into his vast fortune of ill-gotten beatlemania money.

George Harrison did not wanted to be forgotten as a a rich, pasty asswipe, however, so he recorded this album so people would remember "Well, George sure was a boring gay faggot, but goddamn! That cover of that one song by that shitty band was a pretty good single!" and we'd be singing it well after his death to lung cancer or whatever has passed. There's a bunch of fucking songs on here. Jeff Lynne produces this album, and it's so obvious. It sounds like an ELO album, not that I've ever taken the time to listen to more than a few ELO songs, something I'll probably be rightly chastised for, but everything sounds meticulously crafted into one big-ass ol pop song. The problem is, it makes it all sound really samey. All the drums sound the exact same except for the one Ringo is on, and all the guitars shuffle around like a bunch of dead zombies and George uses his mummified feelers to stroke and scratch out the licks.

The last track, is the bigass single though, and of course everyone should hear it. It's just too bad that the termite that infested George Harrison's ass that gave him all his melodic sensibility was crapped out after this record and George Harrison did jackshit until he released his incredible "almost as good as All Things Must Pass i swear" album Brainwashed from beyond the grave.

Rating: It's an album by George Harrison that is pretty much better than Let It Be, Abbey Road, The White Album, Sailing The Seas Of Cheese and Led Zeppelin IV. Buy it today.

Yeah, i went the whole review without mentioning the cover, but seriously, wtf!?


Download: The whole album in it's entirety.

The Knife- Silent Shout

Well, my promise to review albums basically withered and died ever since I've been in a severe depression. And if you've ever been in that kind of situation, you know that you should always wrap your junk when having sex with emo girls! (The alternate joke was going to be about being in a ravine, but then again, who the hell wants to hear about ravines?) Regardless, I am going to make a concerted effort to update more, because frankly my dear, I don't give a damn (about doing anything truely productive!)

The Knife's first album "Deep Cuts," is much more chipper and groovy then this macabre mess. As a result, "Silent Shout" is definitely a contrasting album for The Knife (Who don't like to play live and hate the degradation of women within the music industry). "Silent Shout" is a throbbing synth sprinkling lunar eclipse and is an extremely atmospheric and moody journey considering it is mostly synthesizer accompanied by all manners of SNAKE CHARMING beats. The distorted electro-vocals push the songs along, sung in mostly broken English and I'm assuming a pitter patter of Swede here and there. The vocoded VOCALS are of such great effect that I'm sure if Neil Young could go back and redo Trans with whatever technology these guys use, he probably wouldn't do it, because I think the masters for Trans are buried somewhere in a vault in the heart of the Atlantic Ocean. Trans gets a really bad rap though, considering that I'm sure it's even possible that THE KNIFE might have been influenced by it! So uh, God save the Trans and all that.

The title track, Finding Neverland and One Hit are probably my favorite tracks. They have the most interesting beats (A lot of it reminds me of Idioteque by Radiohead, really, I enjoy schizophrenic techno-wankery!) as well as One Hit having the MALE (Olaf is his Odin-given name, I believe) doing some sort of extremel;y perverse, satanic Cookie Monster vocals. But don't think Cookie Monster in terms of bad death metal, think in terms of TIMBRE and its BASS-LIKE qualities. Every song on this album has an enjoyable hook and its amazing how something that seems so experimental and avant-garde at times can be so damn catchy! (This is a common lament of most catchy, avant-garde music, it seems.) The sheer amount of sonic manipulation on this album, in terms of trying to figure out how the hell The Knife squeezes out so many great sounds out of the synthesizer for the leads of the songs and such will leave you astounded, and the overall bleak, ethereal quality of some of the tracks are quite entrancing. I hesitate to call it Dance-Eno, but for the love of David Byrne (!!!), it certainly seems to have a rather direct Eno influence (Well, that's pretty stupid, this is obvious to everyone.) Anyways, if anyone knows more about this band, feel free to comment, but otherwise, you should get this album. It "deigns to reign." The Knife are probably better then The Kinfe, the Genesis song, but I like both of them much like Mrs. Ramsey loved Jon Benet. I'd kill for either of them, mwa ha ha ha ha!

(Edit: If the formatting is really off, I'm sorry. Blogger is fucking ridiculous when it comes to trying to get stuff to appear properly.)

Rating: I like it more then Deep Cuts! I'm not sure what pitchfork has given this album, but I'll definitely give it a 9 out of 10 or something. Fractions are for sissy cop-out babies.

Download: Silent Shout- The Knife

The Icarus Line - Penance Soiree

I bought this album when I was 14 years old and I distinctly recall being captivated by the album's very prevalent aura of abrasiveness. Everything from the cover (one of my favorites ever) to the first song being called "Up Against The Wall Motherfuckers" to the pictures of the band members on the back of the CD case, all clad in black and red (but mostly black, of course), with facial expressions that most definitely did not exude good vibes of any sort, to the album being recorded in Hollywood, quite the contribution to the record's smack blasting party atmosphere.

The album made me instantly think of the heaviest and scariest of noise-rock bands I'd heard at that point... Big Black, the Jesus Lizard, Flipper, etc. Thing is, though, I had only heard a few songs from those bands' catalogs, and if you were to ask me to give you the most brutal, barely musical shit that I had, I wouldn't have had a whole lot to work from. Besides the Line's menacing, blow inhaling image, the actual sound of the album is what really took me aback. Because Penance Soiree is a LOUD album. I'm not sure if it's the kind of over-digitized "loudness war" loud that Nick Southall gets so worked up about (and rightly so), but the album definitely has a very in-the-red kind of distortedness to it, in such a way that listening to it on headphones results in feeling a whole lot like the dude on the album cover, the guitars overfuzzed in a manner that is most definitely both head whipping and face smashing. And I wasn't completely unfamiliar with the concept of guitars being distorted to fucking oblivion... I'd heard most of Raw Power and I'd heard the Jesus & Mary Chain (and J&MC followers the Black Rebel Motorcycle Club) and I'd heard her call my name. I was yet to encounter XTRMNTR, the Goslings, Kevin Drumm, and various other music that might strike terror into the hearts of stereo salesmen.

Anyways, fuck. At the time, this was my musical brick to the fucking skull. The Icarus Line were just the most extreme dudes, and Penance Soiree was the most extreme album, noisyass rock 'n roll that harkened back to the pure fucking danger of the Stooges and the Stones. It's the kind of album that comes across as being more badass than all of your other albums, the kind that any lover of "extreme" music is almost guaranteed to love, in the same league as Goat, Fun House, White Light/White Heat, Spacemen 3, Songs About Fucking, Suicide, early Napalm Death... just totally defining what it is to appreciate the presence of violence in music. In fact, I'm pretty sure I first saw this album championed by a poster on the Sound Opinions Message Board who appreciates such violence moreso than probably any music listener I have ever encountered.

One small thing about the album, though: I just wish it was better. I've read a lot of on-the-money sentences about this record, and an uncomfortable amount of those things tend to lean towards the "negative" side, the most poignant being Sam Ubl's suggestion that "[i]f rock 'n' roll had nothing to do with music and everything to do with attitude, the Icarus Line would be the greatest fucking band" and Jon Garrett's declaring of the band as one that he should like "in theory, yet can't write songs to save their lives." Yet even a more glowingly positive remark like Tiny Mix Tapes's suggestion that Penance Soiree is "2004's Source Tags & Codes (only it's about 100x better)" gets even further to the root of why this album doesn't quite do it for me.

On Source Tags & Codes, Trail of the Dead utilized a major label budget in order to craft a completely epic fucking all-out realization of their potential as a band. And that's more or less what the Icarus Line did here. The record definitely sounds great (compared to the somewhat thin Jesus Lizard ripoff Mono) and as TotD's album was this sort of post-hardcore tour de force, blending Fugazi, Gravity Records, Unwound, Drive Like Jehu, At The Drive-In, and countless others into what is quite the sweepingly cinematic (and in such a way that simply doesn't let me avoid using this word) masterpiece, Penance Soiree does the same with, uh, 35 or so years of the most dirtyass rock 'n roll imaginable.

Only problem is that too many of the songs don't quite live up to just how fucking badass this album and band appear to be. Saying that they "can't write songs to save their lives" is a bit harsh, since "Up The Against The Wall Motherfuckers" completely fucking crushes, and does so with actual purpose (thanks to a downright throat drilling bassline), and the second track "Spit On It" succeeds exceptionally well in being a brief, no-bullshit, neck snapping punker. On a similarly positive note, "Spike Island" is another standout, as it tones down the guitar bombast for a sexier, groovier brand of swagger. Then there's a really long song in the middle of the album called "Getting Bright At Night" that thankfully manages to make good developmental use of its nine minute running time. Oh, yeah, and the last song rules. "Party The Baby Off," it's called. The chorus/hook is "take off all your clothes." It certainly manages to "party the baby off," I'd say.

Those were the songs that stood out to me as a 14 year old music listener, and revisiting the album recently, their appeal certainly hasn't waned. It's the rest of the album that just breaks my fucking heart. So many of these other songs are just fucking dead. I should like them, shouldn't I? Of course. But even the single "On The Lash" has very little going for it as far as any distinguishing qualities that might drive one to identify it as standing out from the vast breadth of rock music. Sure, it rocks, but well, that's about it! And unfortunately, despite the fact that the Icarus Line is a band full of utter badasses whose music is clearly loud and makes me want to do lots and lots of heroin, they can't really get by on just rocking as hard as possible. The Jesus Lizard did that on Liar, yet it still worked despite the songs not being quite as mind-blowingly good as those on Goat because the Lizard had a distinct, original sound that they could work from. Penance Soiree, despite a few great songs, is still a derivative-ass album, so when the songs aren't quite there, it all ends up seeming like not much more than boring old confrontational rock posturing. A song like "White Devil" starts out with a cool, slow, bluesy guitar line, ends with some awesome Fun House-style saxophone, and in between, there's absolutely nothing to grasp or hold onto, nothing to really make it stand above the rest of the songs in any way (except the fact that it's slower than the other ones. WOW!)

This is such a pity and oh, it's such a shame. Even at 14, upon constructing a year end list, I had to leave this record off because so much of it just didn't do shit for me, didn't grab me the way great pop music should (and the way a good four or five songs on here most definitely do.) It has so many workings of an all-out masterpiece, yet as a rock record, the central element behind its success as an album should be the songs, and that's where they really managed to fall short. Tragic. They have a new album coming out in a couple weeks. I can't imagine it will have the sort of epic scope that makes Penance Soiree so alluring (and in the end, disappointing), but who knows, maybe they've upped it in the songwriting department. Maybe not. Maybe they'll never amount to anything truly special beyond being "almost there" in 2004.

Rating: Not a great album, sorry. A fascinating one? Definitely. It has its moments... just not enough of them.

Song: "Spit On It"

Wipers - Youth of America

Hello, again. Last night I wrote a review of this album. I referenced the review in a review that I wrote of Life Without Buildings's Any Other City this very evening.

Well, turns out that my post of that review was actually an edit of this Wipers review! Fuck! So I deleted my awesome Youth of America review. Let's sum that shit up, then. For your enjoyment:

1) Youth of America is awesome.

2) The title track is ten minutes long or some crap! It starts out with this awesome double tracked guitar line, and then it just goes, goes, goes on this one chord while Greg Sage just melts your fucking face off with great gobs of guitar noise.

3) The drumming on here is really neat. It reminds me a lot of Anton Fier's drumwork on the Feelies' Crazy Rhythms. Really driving and propulsive, but not played with a whole lot of force, which significantly increases the amount of tension in the beat.

4) The "guitar solo" in "When It's Over" rules so hard. It's just the most brutal screeching noises ever, and they fucking cut your balls off, they're so good. Dick whippingly good.

5) This is pissed off, angry music, but it ain't your ordinary 1981 punk rock. Don't think "Oi! Oi!" skinheads or The Decline of Western Civilization. Think of the bands from that time that were really doing something different. Flipper, Big Black, the Minutemen, whatever the fuck. As much as a dig a lot of straight ahead punk rock, that's the kind of shit that gets me going.

6) Not everything on here is an epic guitar JAM in the style of Phish or the String Cheese Incident. The shorter, poppier things on here rule! Especially "Taking Too Long." It's in 6/4 time! Interesting pop music tricks! Hey!

7) The debut Is This Real? was one hell of a solid punk rock album, but man, this is where Greg Sage realized his unique vision of completely fucking awesome electric guitar transcendence.

8) His guitar playing style is fucking cool, too. A lot more subtle than that of an obvious Sage follower like J. Mascis, whose guitarwork is known for its presence of a much more blatant sort of "guitar soloing." You know, like, "HEY, I'M GONNA SHRED YOUR FACE OFF WITH BALLS OUT NOTES GALORE RIGHT NOW, ENJOY." Sage just whips his fiery cock out and shoves it into your eye sockets until you shit yourself because this album is so fucking good.

Rating: Sorry if you missed the original piece and don't like to read record reviews in list format! This is just what it all came down to. Anyways, to reward you for your efforts...

Song: ...here's the whole fuckin' thing! Enjoy!

Life Without Buildings - Any Other City

Remember when I reviewed Wipers' Youth of America last night? I'm listening to it right now. It's seriously fucking awesome. Everybody just remember that my album recommendations are generally seriously fucking awesome. I don't just serve you up some bullshit. These jams are the real deal, let me tell you, the serious shit. You want the best and I know where you can get it. If you'd only listen. And you do.

Hey, what's up? Remember back in 2005 when Art Brut completely fucking turned your world around with their brand of fiery post-punk guitar rock and quirky Mark E. Smith-recalling sing/speak vocals? Well, then you'll love climbing inside of this time machine (penis) of mine and travelling back to the year 2000 when Life Without Buildings was the talk of the British music press and not just some band that nobody even remembers or gives a fuck about seven years later.

Oh my god, it's the guitar solo in "When It's Over" that I was talking about that one time. Christ, I was so fucking on-the-money about that one, remember? Still am.

Anyways, Life Without Buildings. What do (or did) they sound like? Art Brut is a good comparison, I think, except while the Brutes (lol) are much more of a BALLS OUT RAWK outfit, Life Without Buildings don't necessarily make me want to jump around the stage like Jasper Future did at that festival when I saw them that one time. There are no distorted guitars on here! A lot of it rocks, but the guitar tones are clean and shimmering. The guitar guy plays a lot of lovely major chords with pretty little notes and things, but it's not boring like the kind of non-descript "indie" guitar music that you hear between NPR segments. Remember when Pitchfork reviewed Bang Bang Rock & Roll and was like, "These guys don't play riffs, they play licks!" Remember how you didn't know what the fuck they were talking about? Well, listen to this shit, mang, because this shit just sparkles, holmes. Shit's downright coruscating (that's right.) I always assumed there were two guitarists, but no, it's just one dude! He's just playing a lot of cool shit. I really like guitars, by the way.

Another thing! The singer here is a broad! Hey! Remember how everybody hated Art Brut because the singer was annoying? Well, this singer is just as annoying, if not more. You'd better like British or Scottish or whatever nationality chicks joyously yelping exclamations like, "EXCLUSIVELY EXCLOOOOOSIVEEEEE!!!!" or "UH-ZOOMUHZOOMUHZOOMUHZOOMUHZOOMUHZOOM" or "MAH LIPS ARE SEALEDDDD!!!!!!!! MAH LIPS ARE SEALEDDDDD!!!!! HUHWAUH!!!!!" I'm serious, this is some joyous fucking shit. Sue Tompkins fills my heart with glee with her delightful vocal hooks of hyperactive girly NRG.

I love this album. There are so many cute little guitar licks and cute little vocalisms throughout this fuckin' thing... so damn good. It's really just beautiful indie pop, but it's got the rocking qualities of our friend post-punk. Like early Talking Heads or something. Unless you don't think they were post-punk. But I mean, dorky shit like Television, XTC, the Feelies, the Soft Boys, whatever. You know, geeky guitar music for awkward males to enjoy. Except we get the lovely boy/girl juxtapositions of say, Blonde Redhead or Swirlies or something. And while that might seem sexist, you gotta admit that whether you're the Delgados or My Bloody Valentine or whomever, you earn this sort of untouchable cool for having a broad in the band. It's like, totally INDIE POP, or whatever. No band is "indie pop" unless they have a broad in there, that's what I say.

Rating: I'm listening to "Philip" from this album. Jesus christ, this song is good enough for me to give it a 100/10. And you should, too. That's right, start your own review site and review this shit and give it a 100/10 because it's just that good because I said so.

Song: "Let's Get Out"... this here is one of the five or so songs that make me happier than anything, seriously. Serious jamz.

Von Südenfed - Tromatic Reflexxions

At this moment in time, I'm about 97% sure that the new Fall album completely fucking blows. Get this one instead.

It's basically Mark E. Smith talking over fun little electronic ditties constructed by Mouse on Mars. Pitchfork will probably give it a 7.3 or something... OH SHIT, you know what just happened? I wasn't sure whether or not they had actually reviewed the album, so I went over to the P-Fork site, see, just for a little fact checkin', see, and lo and behold, you need to type in the umlauts to get results for these guys. And they gave the album a 7.0! Off by .3, yeah, but fuck, am I good.

Anyways, that's about what this album is. A solid 7.0. It's not bad by any means, but in the end, the record isn't exactly much more than, well, Mark E. Smith talking over fun little electronic ditties constructed by Mouse on Mars. Not too many completely revelatory hooks or anything like that. Perfectly pleasing to listen to, though.

In 1997, the Fall released an album called Levitate that presented the very ESSENCE of Mark's skewed, incomprehensible vision as IDM/breakbeat/electronica whatever. Mark produced it himself, see, so the studio effects and edits and things like that are all just totally fucking out there, like This Heat or Meet The Residents or something. The songs ruled, too... some of the best of MES's career. The songs on Tromatic Reflexxions aren't as good as the ones on that album, and the production, regardless of how much one enjoys Audiotacker or other Mouse on Mars albums, isn't that much more or less exciting than your average music with bleeps and bloops and beatz or whatever.

Hey, fuck, remember when I was talking about Pitchfork eariler? They do this thing where they'll review an album like the new Pissed Jeans, give it some 8.something grade, and throw it under "recommended," and fuck, you know, where were they for Shallow? They never even reviewed the damn thing! And it's a lot better than this new one, and thanks to Pitchfork (and to the occasionally amazing genre of scuzzy Scratch Acid-inspired noise rock being fairly off their radar), the overbearing rock canon may or may not just completely forget about it, and that's mighty unfortunate! I mean, sure, realistically, it's not likely that Hope For Men is going to become some fuckin' Daydream Nation level acclaimed masterpiece, but man, where the fuck was P-Fork when these guys actually served up a classic, huh? The same thing happened with the Knife! For three years, no one gave a fuck about Deep Cuts, this brilliant fucking pop record, and then suddenly Silent Shout is the Album of the Year. Such bullshit.

Rating: When all is said and done, this album is a side project that maybe amounts to slightly more than the sum of its parts... but not much more. Just a pleasant little thing. More than half the time of this review that was actually spent talking about the album in question is just saying the exact same thing in two different parts of the review. How about this for high concept journalism. Fuck you.

Song: "Fledermaus Can't Get Enough"... the first song. And it's the best one, too.

Couch - Glass Brothers 1993-1994

Hey, Blogger, can I just say, "What the fuck?" How is it that if you autosave my post every minute, and I suddenly have to force quit my browser because my computer freezes, when I come back to the "edit posts" list, the draft that you have saved is completely BLANK??? During my computer's menstrual outburst or whatever, did I seriously just up and press some crazy combination of keys that highlighted all of the text in my post and then erased it? Is it safe to assume that that's what happened?

I started writing the Twin Infinitives review on Monday. I spent several hours on it. I even took a break to listen to the album and write down notes about every song. Hell, I even wrote some of the review in bed on notebook paper! What the fuck?

I was hoping that I would have been able to finish it this morning and that Joe would have a bunch of rad comments about it, but no, Blogger had to go and ruin everything. Or something. Also, my Bluetooth mouse ran out of batteries right then. I fucking hate that shit. It's not like I use my computer while I'm cruisin' around my room on a swivel chair! Why can't I just have one of them things with the cord coming out of it? Such bullshit.

So fuck you, "convenient" technology. You fucking suck.

Despite this morning being completely shitty, I have decided to brighten my spirits with this compilation of material by a band called Couch. Like the ten other people who first heard the music contained on this thing at some point after the band actually existed, I was informed about Couch through various interviews with Aaron Dilloway and Andrew W.K., who as teens growing up in Ann Arbor, MI had their lives altered when they first encountered the noisy, wacked-out fucking WEIRDNESS ("my dick is turning into a tree," lol) of this fine, fine band.

This 32 minute CD compiles 3/4 of their first 7", 2/3 of some split thing, and a bunch of other shit! "Chinese Mechanic" and "Old Man" are wicked, shouty stompers! "Sexy River" is quieter than the other ones! "Jeff" is seven minutes of guitar noise! "Doctor Power" sounds like early Sonic Youth (think "The World Looks Red," but even more awesome)! "Blue Light In The Fog" almost has a melody! "In A Sealed Car" begins with a really high pitched screeching noise that terrified the shit out of me when I first heard it whilst on the 'ol green line!

Imagine a more fun-sounding version of no-wave or a more minimal Butthole Surfers or a more immediately listenable Caroliner. There's some other band called Couch, but they're some post-rock thing and they're not this Couch, so who cares. The liner notes to this are by Weasel Walter! I don't own a copy, though, so I can't read them. And Bulb apparently had them on their site, and there most definitely is a link to them on there, but the link doesn't work, so fuck, eat my ass, Bulb Records website!

COUCH = THE RESIDENTS OF PUNK FUCKING ROCK, HOW'S THAT FOR A FAIRLY APT COMPARISON????

Rating: Awesome.

Song: "Old Man"... not the Neil Young song! Although, it'd be awesome if it was, wouldn't it?

Royal Trux - Twin Infinitives

For the past three or so days, I had been writing a lengthy, informative review of this album.

Unfortunately, despite Blogger's supposedly efficient "autosave" function, the entire fuckin' thing (unfinished, but still a mouthful) was deleted when my computer froze and I had to force quit my browser.

How the fuck it managed to get erased, I have no clue. What gives, Blogger? Asshole.

Listen to Fugazi. Always.

Pissed Jeans - Hope For Men

Man, Shallow was just an instant fucking classic, wasn't it? In 2005, Pissed Jeans made a noise rock album, and goddamn, not only was it really, really noisy, it also somehow managed to be tons 'o fun! Pissed off, drunken Scratch Acid listeners certainly aren't a humorless bunch, but there's at least something mildly threatening about the abrasiveness of a band like Clockcleaner, what with their songs having choruses consisting of "FUCK! BITCH!" and songs about plotting to tie up your friend's girlfriend whom you've been screwing on the side and going to the abortion clinic with and what-have-you.

Pissed Jeans managed to come across as being quite a bit goofier than your stereotypical noise-rock band on their debut album. Over the overwhelmingly noisy guitars, the singer barked out lyrics like a deranged muppet, blasting out his lungs about being "ASHAMED OF MY CUM!!!! NEVER SATISFIED EVEN AFTER I'M DONE!!!!!" and how he "WANT[S] TO KIIIISSSS THOSE BORING GIRLS!!" Sort of like No Trend. You've never heard No Trend, have you. That's what I thought.

Anyways, 'twas a fantastic rock album; just over half an hour long, and with songs that were downright CLEVER and DISTINGUISHABLE FROM ONE ANOTHER DUE TO THE AWESOME RIFFS OR FUNNY VOCALIST THINGS.

Their new album Hope For Men isn't anywhere near as good as their last one. It's basically the same sound, but the album is 40 minutes instead of 32, and there are no shout-along anthems like "Boring Girls" or "Ashamed of My Cum." There are a couple tracks that are quiet and atmospheric (in a STOOPID way) like "The Jogger," which has a funny mention of Whole Foods. But yeah, they didn't really develop their sound at all, and Shallow was an in-the-moment kind of record... they could have done this thing in their sleep, it's just the same old shit without, I don't know, a lot of what made Shallow such a special album! It's not like bands like these are all that focused on churning out conventional "hooks," so when they do manage to come up with some great ones (as on Shallow), whether they're found in an accidentally anthemic chorus or a kickass guitar riff, it really shows off what bands like these are capable of. And I don't know about you, but I happen to like memorable music. As much as I'd like to be a red-blooded, unsubjective badass who "digs anything as long as it brings the RAWK," in reality, I'm not one of those guys. It's why I'll always prefer Goat to Liar. Great songs vs. totally unmericful shit-kicking? I'd love to have both, but if forced to choose, I generally take the former. I talked about this that time I reviewed Playing With Fire, remember? Those were good times, weren't they.

Rating: If you liked their last album and just want more balls-out, Flipper-ish guitar noise insanity, then hey, you might dig this. But it ain't as good as that one! This is Pissed Jeans by numbers, more or less. I'm listening to "Closet Marine" from the first record, and oh, man, what a riff on this thing. Hey, buy the album Shallow by Pissed Jeans, it's awesome. That's all.

Song: "Fantasy World"

Mammatus - The Coast Explodes

These guys got a lot tighter with this one.

Less jammy, it seems. Still pretty reefer smokin' and spaced out, though.

More instrumentally varied.

There's a flute on one song and then some chick on another one, it's cool.

I'm listening to Jay Reatard demos right now.

Rating: Fucking great psych rock record. Better than the first one, which was pretty great. Heavier this time. Crazier than Comets on Fire, and the songwriting is less monotonous than on that Sword record that came out last year. Less organ this time, though. These guys bring the solid jamz, R E C O M M E N D E D!

Song: "Pierce The Darkness"

Art Brut - It's a Bit Complicated(2007)


Some of you may remember, but back in 2005 I was obsessed with this UK guitar band called Art Brut. It was one of those albums that really seemed to reflect my life at the time and everything about the album just sort of clicked. It was short, it lacked filler. Eddie Argos proved himself to be one of the most clever/hilarious lyricists of all time with only 30 minutes worth of material. I saw them live a bunch of times, and even got my picture taken with them. The years went by, and I sort of forgot about the band to be honest! The album didn't resonate with me as much as it used to, it was still fantastic, but, well, I had moved on to other things. I even passed up the opportunity to go see them live for the fifth time, (a decision I now woefully regret).

I was really looking forward to this album, and you know what? The Brut did it again. This album hits me like a ton of bricks from a balcony. This album hits me like a ten minute keyboard solo to a Yes fan. The album shits on everything , just about everything. It once again resonates with me to the point that I often feel Eddie Argos might be peering into my soul with his cold, dead eyes.


The guitarwork has come a long way, some really intricate stuff here, lots of ascending/descending riffs and even a few tones that gave me shivers. This one's a lot more mature. The songwriting and lyrics sacrifice their adorable playfulness in the debut to concentrate more on maturity, and I have to say, it's much sharper and in the long run, is going to prove advantageous. This band is no novelty, they're the real fuckin' deal, and that's exactly what they they tried to do and succeeded to do here.

Never again will I doubt this band, I have little doubt that history will repeat itself and Art Brut will once again soundtrack my summer.



Rating: The best album I've heard all year? I dunno, Boredoms and Dino Jr. sure make stiff competition.

Song: Here's the whole album, but please buy it when it comes out. I've read interviews where the band basically states they're shit broke and really need money. Support these musical geniuses.

Goon Moon - I Got A Brand New Egg Layin' Machine

The other day, we were driving around and this broad was in the car and we were listening to the Psychic Paramount (who are fucking great, obtain their music today) and this broad is like, "Hey, do you like Goon Moon?" I'm like, "I don't know what that is." So she's like, "Oh, do you like this?" And I'm like, "NO, THAT'S WHY I PUT IT ON TO LISTEN TO, DUHHHH LOL!!!!!!!!!" And she's like, "If you like this, you'll like Goon Moon! I'll burn you a copy!"

So she did, and I listened to it, fell asleep, and listened to it again later. And that's how we have arrived at where we are now, listening to Hot Chip and updating our precious blog. And farting.

This CD is about a quarter of an hour long and the tracks overlap and shit and they're kind of short. It starts out as a noisy psych metal kind of thing for a minute or two and then the style switches drastically and there are some hilarious "wacky" lyrics that make the whole thing seem like a phony, self-conscious attempt at "ZAPPA/RESIDENTS/AVANT GARDE MUZIK LOL"-style subversion.

And that's pretty much what the rest of this thing sounds like. Upon listening to it and deciding upon said opinion, I later discovered that this thing is actually a side-project by Twiggy Ramierez (Marilyn Manson/NIN guitarist? Bassist? Who knows? Who cares?) and some Queens of the Stone Age guy who isn't the bald dude or Josh Homme, which makes some amount of sense. This thing just sounds like a side-project. Like, "Hey, let's take a break from our hip million dollar modern rock careers and go play noisy cutting edge experimental rock music!"

But they ain't Mr. Bungle. They'd like to be, though. But they ain't. If you're wondering why some of the drumming on here rules so much, it's because that's Zach Hill from Hella. Stellar drum player. That's all I can really give this, though.

Rating: They're not Mr. Bungle, but they'd like to be. You'll probably never hear about this band again, and you'll probably never stumble across this EP, but you needn't worry about missing out on something this insignificant. So this review was more or less a waste of your time and mine. Let's redeem it.

With JIZZ!!!!!!!!!!

Never mind, I'll just post a Meat Loaf song.

Song: Meat Loaf - "You Took The Words Right Out Of My Mouth (Hot Summer Night)"... killer song from a killer album, right here. Bat Out of Hell is my main jam, for serious.

Trans Am - Trans Am

Before buying this album (my introduction to the group's music), I had read a lot about how the so-called Trans Am apparently integrates 70s hard rock cliches into their sound in a super-ironic manner, while still being able to hold onto their arty, experimental "post-rock" cred.

Needless to say, I was misled! This isn't some all-irony, tight t-shirted, indie cock stroking fest, nor is it your late 90s easy-listening post-rock free jazz bullshit. No, on this, Trans Am's studio debut, our friends Philip, Nathan, and Sebastian turn in what is simply a half hour's worth of tightly (yet subtly) arranged instrumental rockers and brief studio experiments.

And while the "70s irony" is certainly brought out by the Rush-like rhythm fuckage and ballsy guitar lead of the album's opener "Ballbados" (all the songs are named after imaginary bands! Like this is supposed to be some sort of "battle of the bands" like on that Turtles album or last Friday when my band played poorly received noise-rock to a bunch of football jocks at an all-boys Catholic high school. We tore it up, though. Also, the band's choice of "name" for this particular "band" certainly reinforces the "cock rock irony" that people like to speak of when discussing Trans Am), the group clearly owes much to the post-hardcore side of 90s underground rock, as their compositions often recall Fugazi and various "math-rock" elements.

Of course, then there's the driving 70s classic rock riffing of "Orlando," which is fortunately catchy as crap, and hell, your ZZ Top loving dad might just dig the hell out of it, who knows! The shorter tracks are cool, too. Cute, catchy melodies! This shit gets stuck in your head and you can't remember where it's from and then you realize it's from this album and so you listen to it and you enjoy it because it's good, see.

Rating: Overall, this is a solid instrumental record that's too short to ever really grow boring. The rockers on here pwn hard, and the synthesizer touches are cool as shit (nowhere near as many as you might find on later TA records, though.) If you've never heard Trans Am, I would certainly suggest this as a starting point. Or Futureworld. You get a nice balance of synth jammin' and guitar rockin' here, though. Good album.

Song: "Ballbados"... the first song on this album! It's a good'n!

Spirit - Twelve Dreams of Dr. Sardonicus

Once upon a time, my dad was playing some 60s/70s FM rock compilation he'd gotten from Starbucks a long while back. It had some pretty rad shit... "Instant Karma," "Alone Again Or," "Maybe I'm Amazed," that song "Time Has Come Today" by the Chambers Brothers, "I Saw The Light," and probably something by Rod Stewart or Traffic or some shit. Then there was a song on there called "Nature's Way" by Spirit. Hearing it all those years ago, it sounded pretty damn familiar, like something I had heard on a classic rock radio station at some point, somewhat of a less sissyish Moody Blues. Decent enough song, blah, blah, blah.

Some time after that, when I was in the eighth grade, I picked up a Mojo Magazine that had articles on Smile and the Mars Volta and all this shit about "The Greatest Lost Albums," and there was a "letter to the editor" in the beginning of the magazine complimenting an article that the publication ran on Spirit a few issues back. I was like, "Oh, shit, it's that 'Nature's Way' band, cool." Right then I sort of assumed that they were some 70s classic rock band that no one ever talked about for some reason, probably because they didn't kick as much ass as Steely Dan or the Floyd or something! I figured they just sounded like Traffic, anyway. Not that I have anything against Traffic. It was just an assumption.

Some time last year, I saw some dude on the internetz talking about the awesomeness/underratedness of this album, as well as a solo album from Randy California, the singer/guitarist in this band. I was like, "Hmm, classic rock psychedelic guitar rocking all-American good times? I'm gonna get on this shit!"

And that I did.

I've been listening to this album a lot this week. Spirit really does seem to be "the great lost classic rock band," very much a product of that magical period when classic rock was transitioning from psychedelia to all-out bombast; which is to say that between The Who Sell Out and Who's Next, there was Tommy. There was the Guess Who. There was the James Gang. The production on that stuff is much fuller and has a greater presence than a lot of 60s things, but we're not quite into the new decade just yet. Rock's balls we're still struggling to not drop down too low JUST YET.

And so we have Spirit. Randy California was 19 when this album was recorded and the drummer was his 47 year old stepdad! What the fuck??? Must have been awkward having groupie boning sessions and what-have-you. The remastering on the CD sounds really damn good. David Briggs produced this way back in the day! He recorded a bunch of Neil Young albums! That must be why this album rules.

And it does. Sure, it's pretty "psychedelic," and a lot of these songs sound like they should be in the opening credits of some movie about groovy young persons doing acid or riding around on motorcycles with Dennis Hopper or something. But these guys, these guys just had fucking boatloads of talent. They musicianship kicks axe, and some of this shit is funky, and some of it is jazzy, but they manage to a) make it not sound like pointless genre exercises or b) not use the diversity of influences as an excuse to stretch out and jam their dicks into each other. After all, two of the guys were related, and that's just gross! EEEEEEEHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

No, this here record is just well-crafted, ambitious pop music to "expand your mind" with (ultra-swell melodies popping up all over the place!), and the fact that a couple of the guys were really young (or was it just the one dude?) gives it this sort of fresh, youthful impressiveness. "Street Worm" has a cool guitar solo! The transition between the two sections of the first track is rad as hell! The synthesizer on "Space Child" isn't totally dopey! Excellent use of dual vocalists! A "lost classic" if I've ever heard one.

And I have. It's called Dark Side of the Moon. Has anyone else heard this album? It's pretty gay, thanks.

Rating: I like it a lot! It's a grower! Dick jokes!

Song: "Animal Zoo"... quality pop song, right here!

Lou Reed- Live: Take No Prisoners

Sorry that I've been gone for so long!!!!! With finals and school and all that fun stuff I have had no time do anything fun (This blog, for instance) and as a result, I've lapsed into a mania where I listen to the Jesus and Mary Chain for hours on end while pawing at my crotch. Also, I was coming up with funny jokes like this:

What do Michael Jackson and Robert Fripp have in common?

They both like to play with minors! (Hahahahaha)

Anyways, I will be much more free nowadays so hopefully I can consistently update this wonderful blog along with the other villanous cohorts who scrawl on this bronze tablet. Today I'm going to review Lou Reed's Live: Take No Prisoners!

If you're looking for an ORAL masterpiece (Like Angelina Jolie's pussy lips!) then this album is exactly what you need if you're on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs Pyramid, and you have a roof to beat off underneath, your own semen to eat for sustenance, a homeless man to jerk you off when you're tired, and the wherewithall to know he's doing it because he loves you and not because you're responsible for his Jack Daniels I.V.

Anyways, this album is basically a comedy album. Lou Reed is a fucking huge asshole and he loves to take drugs, so basically any concert where those facets are primary and his music is somewhat secondary, then, yeah, fucking lock and load! Plus, there is a pretty fucking awesome version of Satellite of Love, and the song I Want to be Black is about renouncing your jewdom for a set of tirelips and a Nike spear.

Rating: Pou Peed

Download: No download!

Unwound - The Future of What

Remember when you heard Fugazi's In On The Killtaker and you were like, "Oh, shit, this is some abrasive post-hardcore noise rockin' Steve Albini shit, lol." Meet Unwound, you pussy!

Unwound was the 90s noise-rock band that you simply did not fuck with. Scarier than Drive Like Jehu (the singer's voice wasn't as high-pitched and phlegmy.) Artier/less balls-out-rawk than the Jesus Lizard. Not as groovyass-classic-rock as Fugazi. Sure, they were influenced by Sonic Youth, but Unwound actually managed to write good songs. Like Shellac, they were a power trio whose members all brought something distinct to the table. Sara Lund played drums more creatively than you ever will, Vern Rumsey's basslines were totally crushing, and Justin Trosper... he sounded bored like SM and Thurston Moore, but he didn't sound like a little bitch when he screamed. Dude fucking roared his head off. And the guitar playing... just brilliant. You can't tell what the fuck he's playing half the time! These aren't normal chords! One could say the same about Sonic Youth, but shit, I just don't give a fuck!

From all this, they forged one hell of a fucking inimitable sound. Five years and three albums into their career at this point, they released our friend The Future of What, and this album... this album. This album is that album. It's not as rough as their first two. It's tighter, but it's more brutal. The songs are shorter and more concise. And the whole thing sounds crystal clear. After this album, they started experimenting with more studio effects, which would eventually lead them to crafting one of the greatest albums of all-time. Until then, we have this... pure, raw, skull-crushing, noisy fucking. That's right, fucking. Sorry if you like music or something. There's none of that here.

Although they progressed with every album, The Future of What is the high-point of Unwound's abrasive shit-kicking years. Everything is perfect here. All the songs just rule ass. The last several minutes of the album's epic closer "Swan" where they're playing this one droning chord and then the song ends and there's just this wall of guitar noise for a few minutes... FUCK. So good. Stop the CD there, though, because the next four tracks are just this one keyboard loop that they added to the CD version as "extra boredom" because Unwound are scummy, dollar-grabbing pieces of shit and are members of the worst band in the world, aka the Beatles (they did that song about "the nookie" right?)

Rating: 9.6/10 sounds about right.

Les Rallizes Denudes - Le 12 Mars 1977 a Tachikawa

Japanese people are fucking crazy. This is a two-disc live album recorded in 1977 or so, and every song consists of a rhythm section banging out some wildly STUPID groove while some guy with sunglasses and a leather jacket sings into a mic loaded with mounds of effects and once in a while he or the other guitarist melts your face off with great gobs of guitar noise. And the songs are all really long, like ten minutes or some shit.

Not only does the tape sound badly damaged, but it is constantly overpowered by the sheer volume of the instruments, especially the guitar noise, which is such an overbearing presence that it frequently cuts out the bass and drums.

This band gets labeled as "psychedelic rock," but this ain't the Grateful Dead, brah. It was made by a bunch of foreigners, so it's totally freaky and "wrong." Still, if you like drugs, you'll probably dig this shit.

I'm pretty sure the only version of this that's even remotely easy to find is a bootleg/import. Get it if you come across it, I urge you!

Rating: 8.4/10

Song: Brainbombs - Obey... great record.

Warhammer 48k - Uber Om

Wow, what an album. Warhammer 48k is one of the greatest bands ever pretty much, and no one has even heard of them before. This is some heavy shit though, I like to listen to it to make myself feel much more metal than I already am.

I'm going to go see them in about a month or so, I've also become myspace friends with the band, I heartily recommend giving this album a try if you can muster up the balls. Seriously, this album isn't for sissies, or "Belle & Sebastian" types, Warhammer 48k will break off your head and snap your neck or some such nonsense.

I should also point out that fans of guitars will like this album, and if you don't like guitars, then what the fuck is wrong with you???




This is Warhammer 48k killing fans of twee and indie baroque-orch-fey-jangly pop. Don't be one of them. Wilco rules.

Rating: 666/10.

Song: Here's the whole album!

Ronald Reagan- Alzheimer Blues

Ronald Reagan is dead and he was a fag. He won landslide elections because all of the faux-hippies turned yuppies voting for him, and later on these geniuses would coin such phrases as "shoot me an email," and "surfing on the web." It is possible that hipsters voted for Reagan under the notion that liking Ronald Reagan movies from the 1950s was the incredibly hip and ironic thing to do.

I have to write a 30 page paper on Neoconservatism by Thursday and I've barely started. Some of the great things that I've learned about Ronald Reagan are that he thought trees caused pollution, and that that the most rigorous analysis his economic policies went through was an incorrect calculation on a napkin during a cabinet meeting. If you don't believe me, look for a book by David Stockman about his years with Reagan, and then look at your or your parent's political beliefs with revulsion.

I don't want to go on a huge political rant and forever contaminate this little marketplace of musical criticisms, but the sheer volume and weight of facts that contradict the positives of neoconservatism for the last two decades makes me want to blow my brains out. I'm pretty sure that one day, during civil war in the United States, some great moment of irony will occur and one of my old hockey player friends who's in the Marines now will be the one responsible for killing me while I'm holding a huge sign that says, "Liberty or death."

When we were teens, he would often call me a hippie (I don't think he knew what he was talking about) and would tell me about his conservative religious beliefs (I don't think he knew what he was talking about). Sometimes he posts pseudo-Jesuit allegories on his Facebook (TM) about why all hippies and liberals are stupid and how they just complain and do nothing, completely ignoring the fact that doing something, such as joining the marines and killing "ragheads" for Jesus Christ Our Lord Savior in Oil (That was an actual knock on hippies) and bringing the country into financial ruin by electing oafish twats is actually worse then doing nothing. I also feel like he's completely ignored the historical fact that real liberals haven't been in power since Kennedy/FDR (Although, the Clintons would have been close had they had their health care proposals gone through). It is ironic that I will probably die at this old friends' hands sometime in my life.

Anyways, Ronald Reagan, aside from being a professional idiot and corporate tool, was a pretty witty guy. After he got shot, he told his doctors that he hoped they were Republicans. One time he made everyone at the Republican National Convention stop for a few minutes and think about Jesus and shit. I think he was really just having a "Senior Moment," and that they should have fucking kicked him off the ticket immediately after and put on someone who's brain wasn't atrophying faster then Orson "fucking fat dumbass" Welles can eat a nine course meal.

Rating: Two thumbs down

Download: Ronald Reagan being hilarious

Black Lips - Los Valientes del Mundo Nuevo

1) This is a live record, and it's good.
2) They pee on each other during their concerts.
3) They're playing at Logan Square Auditorium on March 31st.

I'd be a fool to not go then, right? I don't go to a lot of shows as often as say, Yancy. I saw Kevin Drumm perform with some bald Swedish guy at this place called ODUM in the West Town part of Chicago last Saturday, though! It was this really low-key, cinderblock building. I almost didn't notice it the first time I passed it, and when we drove back past it after it was over, I was like, "Where did it go? Was it all a magical dream?" You walk in and there's a table, and you pay this dude, who gives you a pin that was custom made for the performance of "experimental music" that you have attended, as well as a pretty kickass program of some sort. So then you go in this room that's not all that big, and there were what, 65 people there, about? I counted. It was something like that. So anyway, my bro and I didn't get a seat, so we stood. The crowd looked like a pretty cool "avant-garde music" type of crowd, but there were a few indie rock bearded sunglasses wearing dudes that came in late, but there was this camera lady who was just a TOTAL CUTE INDIE CHICK TYPE, she was rad. I went up to her and was like, "BITCH, RESPECT THE COCK!" Then the performance began! First, one of the dudes pressed a button or something and this weird industrial churning shit started coming out of the speakers. Then Leif Elggren (bald guy) read some pretentious shit poetry over it for 20 minutes while Kevin made some sort of sonic alteration once in a while. Then the dude stopped talking, and it was just pure knob twiddling awesomeness. All these different noises just kept building and building, it was great. Layers upon layers of awesomeness. There were parts where there would be these big changes, and they would actually feel physically relieving. And right when I thought, "Shit, are these guys just gonna go on for another hour," they brought it all back down. So awesome.

The Black Lips are a band of young men who piss in each other's mouths (I'm sorry if the band is sick of hearing people talk about the pissing thing, but it's awesome and hell, you can make a career out of that type of shit) and play drunken, sloppy good-time rock 'n roll music. This is a live album recorded in Tijuana by one JOHN REIS (of Hot Snakes/Drive Like Jehu fame AWESOME BANDS ALERT) and it's a blast and a half! I'd be tempted to describe this music as Stonesy, but these songs are just too basic to have been on Sticky Fingers or Exile On Main St. Somebody somewhere compared them to the Swinging Medallions, and shit, that's as apt of a description as any! This ain't your ordinary Hives/Strokes/White Stripes/Mooney Suzuki/Vines/Datsuns "2001 garage revival" hooha. There's a lot less of the rock star posing that went on in a lot of that music, and more of a "Hey, let's get smashed in my parents' garage, make a godawful, guitar bashin' racket, and call it 'rock 'n roll'" kind of thing goin' on. Once again, the tunes are pretty simple, but some of the hooks end up being totally awesome, like the one in "Dirty Hands." These guys don't give a fuck! They're having the time of their lives rocking out/pissing on each other. More music needs to sound this carelessly exuberant.

Rating: Get it if you like fun! Or guys! Because there sure are some on this CD!

Song: "Dirty Hands"... Here's some High Rise song, also!

Dungen - Tio Bitar(2007)

Let me just point out, that Tio means "uncle" in spanish, so this album translates to "Uncle Biter?" or "one who bites uncles." Ha! Dungeon has a good sense of humor.

Anyway, I digress, let me just point out that I am a very small boy. I am fourteen years old, I enjoy Grand Theft Auto, I am frustrated by my newly sprouted pubic hair, and I have gross acne growing all over my ass, dick, and scrotum.

This is okay though, because, being fourteen years old, I have discovered Led Zeppelin by this point, and I am getting my ass kicked by them, as they were one of the best(ah, fuck it, THEY WERE THE BEST) rock bands of all time.

and this is what it feels like when i listen to Dungen, I feel like I'm listening a new Led Zeppelin album or something, maybe it's the drums, but, really, they don't sound like Zeppelin very much, the guy doesn't wail and sound like he has a mountain lion in his asshole, he has this pleasurable swedish croon. The guitars are much, much more psychadelic, favoring LSD rather than heroin, and everything is a bit more tightly constructed than Zeppelin ever were. Rather, Dungen shows their allegiance towards 60s psychadelic rock bands like Kaleidoscope, The Zombies, Jefferson Airplane or hell, even Pink Floyd just as much as they channel 70s hard rock. At the same time, they somehow make their music trendy enough to get write-ups on indie kid blogs such as this one. Go figure. Dungen, buncha geniuses.

Or should I say, ONE genius? It turns out that almost all of the album is written and performed by one guy, and he just tours with his three bandmates. Amazing stuff.

Everything you liked about Ta Det Loogie is back, same bong-rattling drums, lazy, psychadelic guitars, and otherworldly, beautiful vocals are all back. This time around though, there's certainly a lot more strings, pianer, and all sorts of that shit, as if these songs needed to be anymore fucking beautiful than they already were. I feel like this review should've ended like, two paragraphs ago, all the rest of this is just fucking exposition, fuck it, I'm gonna try and go to bed after these allie sin videos are done downloading.

RATING: Oh, well it's fantastic, beautiful stuff, if you don't like it, well, then maybe you should've listened to more classic rock when you were a kid.

SONG: I think it's stupid to just up one song when this is such an "album" album, but here's a song anyway.

The Arcade Fire- Neon Bible

I couldn't believe my ears. The Arcade Fire were going to release a new acclaimed album? Their tour, which happened to be the most anticipated of all time, was about to happen? At this critical crossroads in musical lore, I knew that I had to throw my indie credibility into the winds of change and put my hitchhiking thumb up, unafraid to whether the journey into the musical cosmos that is Arcade Firedom. Neon Bible, an interesting name, something that seems completely unpretentious at first glance. Hmmm, I thought to myself. It seems that whatever symbol the Bible is taking here, perhaps, some sort of statement on orthodox beliefs being somehow glossy and cheap, had never been done before. I quickly realized that if this was going to prove to be some dire warning on the level of complexity TAF (As I learned to so appropriately call them, as saying their full name might somehow incur the wrath of Winn Butler while I wander the streets on a cold Montreal night.) would be throwing at me with Neon Bible, I had best prepare.

At first, it was all candelbra and pentagrams, but I surely felt that maybe fighting the Neon Bible with the Neon Necromonicon might not be such a prudent choice. Next, to prepare myself, I decided to filter out the awesome sound of Neon Bible by buying two large styrofoam cups and gluing them to my speakers. Not noticing any considerable change in sound, I quickly abandoned the pursuit for “greener pastures.” To be honest, you can't really judge anything critically on weed.

After ripping up the bedsheets and boiling the pillow cases, I still didn't feel prepared to listen to Neon Bible and accurately describe it. I began to wonder, what it would be, what sort of looming danger that was inspiring this apprehension in me. Although I am not used to sorting through music with something that adeptly moves hay, I definitely felt that a band that is surely as good as the Arcade Fire would deserve a listening on headphones, and on vinyl, and then finally only through my computer speakers. If the most hyped band of all time is going to release an album, then I had better listen to it critically.

Which is why to my relief and disappointment, that after listening to Neon Bible I was of course, pretty fucking unimpressed. Whether I'm being overly sarcastic or not, retarded hype over musical groups is always bad. Folks, bad journalism isn't necessarily the infotainment on the front page of cnn.com, nor is it the fair and balance of Fox News. Bad journalism is giving an album unrealistic expectations or overhyping a band so much that it's sense of context within a music scene is lost entirely. Bad journalism is taking cues from magazines such as Rolling Stone and other music rags in terms of releasing one's self from the boundries of journalistic enterprise and engaging in delivering almost pornographic praise. It's true, I don't like Neon Bible, in fact, it's a painfully unoriginal and mediocre album,

So painfully preaching discourse aside, here are some thoughts on the album. Some of the assumptions I had going into the album were these: It would probably be much better produced then Funeral, which was recorded in a living room. It would probably be somehow different then Funeral in terms of songwriting and structure (Only half of that is true, and not in a good way), and I was half-expecting to like it a lot more then Funeral, because half of Funeral's “charm,” (And half of the reason I hated it.) was its lofi production, its sound that at sometimes was gritty and raw, illustrating the painful MEATSPACE tragedies that had occurred in the band member's lives. I hope that my assumptions weren't too lofty, although, I certainly think that they severely damaged my ability to even play this album more then twice.

As far as its sound, Neon Bible sounds like its been brought back from what was Funeral's grave. Any song that isn't mired in a Spector-esque wall of sound is hideously bare, and still most of the instruments sound truly opaque through the mix. The only cool effects end shortly after Black Mirror, and Win Butler's overly reverbed voice gets old extremely quickly. Blah, blah blah, it's annoying to have to listen to an album you've already heard and make the same complains about it.

Which leads me to next point, the only thing the Arcade Fire can do, and even only do semi-well, is their huge “Wall of sound” indie-orchestra. But do they really expect me to wade through another five songs that sound extremely similar to ones from their past albums? Nothing on the new album has anything as interesting or energetic as “Wake Up,” or “Laika,” instead the emotion seems extremely forced and pretentious. If you are going record half of an orchestra, for the sake of sonic quality, record it correctly. I was half surprised to see that the cover wasn't a picture of the band holding up signs that said, “THE ARCADE FIRE IS SERIOUS BUSINESS.” What was genuine and sensitive on Funeral is arrogant and overwrought as fuck on Neon Bible, which critically appraises such never before heard of concepts such as organized religion and MTV. Raise your hand if it's 2007 and you're only recently finding yourself being the indie man being held back by the MTV dudes! I mean really, that kind of lyric MATTER has less weight right now and less importance than Video Killed the Radio Star. Color me “Pandered to.”

Unfortunately, because of the relative HOMOGENUOUS NATURE of the album, there isn't much more to critique. This album is boring and mediocre and sounds like it was made in 2004 in a living room, much like another album I've heard. The lyrics are especially vapid and the music is overwrought. Do we need to seriously bring back punk rawk so that pretentious art-rockers like Sufjan Stevens, Joanna Newsom, and the Arcade Fire can be brought back down to Earth? Half the criticisms of prog rock can be made when the melodies are so obfuscated that half of the time I find myself changing songs in hope of finding a section that isn't more formulaic wankery. I know a guy who played tuba on the album, and he agrees with me! So I must be right. Sorry Neon Bible, but you're ever bit as gaudy as your title suggests. If you think I'm just being a cynical fuck, well, perhaps you should wait to take your written vindication on me. Win Butler lives in the same city as me, and he can probably kick my ass. (Especially if he catches me jerking off on his dead grandmother's grave.)

Rating: Neon shit

Download: Sorry, I don't believe in music sharing.

Jay Reatard - Blood Visions

So, yeah, usually when there's some album that came out a few months ago that I think is awesome, even if all the songs rule and listening to it gives me a full-on robot chubby, I'm still hardly convinced that I'll be listening to it years or, hell, months from that particular time. I mean, shit, there's no benefit of history or anything. You're judging this shit as it's happening, it's not like you picked it up because someone was like, "This shit came out in 1988, and it STILL sounds like you're beating off in Western Civ. for the first time!"

Not that new music is crap or anything. I just can't help but have a different sort of perspective on it. I look at my list of the best albums of '06, and there's 50 albums on there. 50 albums from 2006 that I really enjoyed in 2006 enough to think a lot about how good they make me feel when I listen to them. But, shit, there must be a ton of total crap records from 20 years ago that no one has thought about since then, right? I mean, whose gonna give a shit about the Holy Smokes or Grizzly Bear in 2027? Not that it matters now, but I'm just sayin'. I'm not particularly head-over-heels in love with either of those bands, but even a lot of my favorite new shit at the moment... there are albums from my '05 top 20 that I haven't listened to once since making that list. There are records that I would have put higher on the list, and records that weren't on the list that I would put on if I made the list now, etc.

All that said, I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that Jay Reatard's Blood Visions will go down in history as one of the greatest albums of all-time. Here is a pop-punk album that has been brilliantly assembled by one dude playing all the instruments who has some absolutely insane talent for pulling catchy-as-shit punk rock anthems out of his ass that express both a knowledge of and love for the music at hand.

I mean, shit, THESE SONGS ARE AWESOME! I am a horrible writer by most people's standards, I will admit that. All I do is make hyperbolic statements about how awesome I think everything is. That's not what writing is, is it? It's supposed to be a bunch of intellectual boring shit, supposedly. Sorry, I'm here to spread the word of Jay Reatard's brilliance, not to convince you of my intelligence. "My Shadow" would have been one of the best songs on Singles Going Steady. "Greed, Money, Useless Children" is just the best Crass/Flux of Pink Indians/peace-punk tribute/parody that I've ever heard. This album is way better than Pink Flag.

Remember when Andrew W.K. came out with I Get Wet, and he was on the cover and he was covered in blood like Jay Reatard on the cover of this album, and people didn't know if he was serious or not, and he got written off as a novelty by some? People failed to realize is that W.K.'s music wasn't just pure smirking irony, nor was he a genuine and oblivious "IT'S TIME TO PARTY" cock rocker. No, like the similarly written off Ween, W.K.'s Sparks/Journey/Meat Loaf/Jock Jams hybrid stemmed from both his good humour and his love for the music that he was paying tribute to. Of course, the reason why I can identify with Andrew's music better than Journey's is not because I can only listen to big dumb arena rock when it's done in some all-irony hipster manner, but because I share W.K.'s perspective of being an observer of said music. Despite producing some truly amazing songs, bands like Journey and Boston probably didn't see the humour in their music, album covers, or in the way that they presented themselves. I can't even begin to think of what was going on in their heads, but I'm fascinated by the motivations behind their music, which I enjoy.

I just listened to Anthem For A New Tomorrow by Screeching Weasel. It's not my favorite Screeching Weasel record. A lot the songs are just Screeching Weasel by numbers, with nowhere near the amount of melodic brilliance as the best songs on My Brain Hurts or even the poppier moments on Boogadaboogadaboogada!. I'm guessing that a lot of Screeching Weasel fans at the time loved the album because they like fast, sugary, goofy pop-punk. The things that I demand from the music are different from theirs. They're not gonna give a shit that I'm complaining about the melodies not standing out. The perspective of Jay's music is something that I can more easily relate to. He's smart and he likes punk rock, and Blood Visions is his tribute to the history of said genre. I hear a song like "Greed, Money, Useless Children" and go, "Ah, yes, this sounds like Crass... hee, hee! Jay Reatard does these little things in his songs that make me smile because I understand the things that he's referencing." I'm a punk rock fan, Jay is a punk rock fan... but we're not crusty dudes with Germs burns. We love the stuff, but we also see the humour in it. Who knows if this album will appeal to the smelly guy with Discharge and A Global Threat patches all over his jacket? Maybe the diversity of the songs will throw him off, but it's something that I can appreciate. And I'm glad for that.

Rating: 11/10

Song: "Not A Substitute"... shit. So fucking good.

Boris - Akuma No Uta

What the fuck is up with girls and Japanese shit, seriously? Like, every broad I know is into this crazy Sailor Moon shit. I don't get it. I've never beaten my meat to hentai before, and I don't plan to do so any time in the near future.

Remember when I was at that Boris concert and I was yelling, "Fuck yeah, Boredoms rule!" They played "Ibitsu" from this album. Peter Drumm opened and he almost made Logan Square Auditorium fucking collapse, it was so awesome. He played his smashing new Drumm's Not Dead LP in its entirety, and covered the Jayhawks. Good show.

This album is better than other Boris albums. It's a mere 42 minutes long (which is still too long for an enjoyable album... pass me that Agoraphobic Nosebleed album over 'hurr), but it's diverse as fuck, mang. Boris doing everything they do well, and doing it really, really well. You got your Earth-style doomers, your Motörhead speedy ravers, your Hendrix/Blue Cheer psychedelic marijuana smokers, and your crushing Melvins sludgers.

There are Boris albums out there like Heavy Rocks and Pink that feature lots of fast thrashy asskickers all in a row. They can pull those out of their small Japanese asses, though. I mean, that shit rules and all, but it starts to sound a little bit samey after a while. Whereas here, "Ibitsu" and "Furi" come off as totally memorable and get stuck in your head all the damn day. And wow, they just sound so "on" during this whole little album, you know. I mean, what the hell, "Naki Kyoku" and "Ano Onna No Onryou" are just the best "psych revival" things in recent years. Yeah, better than Dungen. Hell, better than Comets On Fire, even.

Something about this album is just really perfect. The energy, of course, but also the balance of styles, the playing, everything. Not to say that other Boris albums suck my ass... they don't, this band rules all and you know it. They release 50,000,000 albums a year and they all just slay you up and down, round and round. But I don't really listen to their other albums. I listen to this one, and I never get tired of it. Also, you know how Wetton-era King Crimson rules, and all of the albums they did during that time are pretty awesome, but Red is the one where you go, "Wow, shit, this is just the best shit ever." And it only has five songs, but every moment just captures them just destroying you with their greatness. That's the one you play over and over. It is, isn't it. Or are you just an asshole.

Rating: Heavier than heaven! Louder than love! Temple of the Dog!

Song: "Ibitsu"... fucking amazing shit right here.

Dinosaur Jr - Beyond(2007)

Sorry J Mascis, I know you don't want people listening to this album or anything yet. But I want to openly say to you, in case you're reading this on your imac or were browsing the SOMB and got linked to this blog (because you are obviously post under the alias "simakos" there) that this is going to be my favorite album of the year.

No, really. I mean, I don't see how anything can top this one for me. Thanks for letting Lou Barlow and Murph back into your band, by the way. Maybe this is all you needed again to write some truly classic songs. Thanks for combining those pop sensibilities you figured out in the 1990s but weren't able to fully express with your dyno-mite hard rocking 80s style. With age and time, I guess you finally figured out how to get it all to gel.

This album has some people dissing the production. Wow, shut the fuck up. What do you want, Green Mind? That album sounds like it was recorded in the laundromat down the street from where I live. You want acoustic guitars or something? I don't really know what to tell you. This is one of the better produced albums I've heard in years. (WATCH WHEN THE RETAIL VERSION LEAKS AND IT SOUNDS LIKE A POLISHED BRITNEY SPEARS RECORD, OR PINK FLOYD OR SOMETHING, I mean, "Crumble is basically Pink Floyd if Roger Waters found a guitar and was all like "hey, smoke my cock David Gilmour! And then David Gilmour dropped on all fours and began licking his taint while happily wagging his tail. Then Roger Waters could feel his cum erupting from hi

The guitar solos in this album are some of the noisiest, vile, abominations you can find in modern pop music, but not one of them seems to be out of place. Each of them layered upon each other beautifully like those birthday cakes that you see in bakery shop windows and you marvel "wow, look at the craftmanship on that cake." Same thing, really. Delicious, colorful, bright layers of guitars that make me feel like I'm on top of this planet.

A long time ago, my brother started to get me into some "indie" music. The first band he recommended to me was Dinosaur Jr. What can I say? The band changed my life. Before them I didn't know music could be so accessible, yet so earth-shatteringly noisy and rebellious. I got into all those 80s guitar bands like Steve Albini's stuff, The Replacements, hell, I wouldn't have ever listened to The Pixies probably either if it wasn't for Mascis and company.

Dinosaur Jr. never realized their potential, after Bug they became a normal guitar pop band. I still love Green Mind and Where You Been, but they don't even sounds like the same band! D'oh! Because they weren't. It's almost as if the three of these guys just ran into Doc Brown and road his DeLorean back to '89 and said "okay, let's just rock some shit" Mascis, Barlow, and Murph have all seemingly aged quite a bit, (especially mascis, what the hell, he looks like a perverted shop teacher!) but Dinosaur Jr, as a brand, entity, well, it's always been there. The sounds back, they're back. I really couldn't be happier.



Rating: 10/10

Song: Dinosaur Jr - This Is All I Came To Do


EDIT: and on a personal note, this week has been absolute SHIT. But you know what? I've been listening to this album nonstop, and I feel like a million bucks. Funny what legends can do to you.

Thanks J.

The Rolling Stones- Some Girls

I realize that a lot of my REVIEWS are horrendously written pieces of shit. It's because I write a lot of reviews while I am drunk or hungover (That's when I seem to care about getting my thoughts on e-paper; when I am afraid that I will lose my ability to think them!) Yes, I am an alcoholic, but you shouldn't worry, because once I start hitting my stride, all of my reviews will be ten page long ramblings about electro-shock therapy and how gay Orson Welles (A fucking huge piece of shit) is. Ending a sentence with "is," is like talking to your mom and then ending the conversation with "I'm going to go fingerbang my fifteen year old girlfriend who is into The Clash." If you guessed that the relation between those two thoughts is "bad fucking idea," then congratulations, you gradute to the next paragraph!

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I just realized that there may be several legal implications to this review. Funny, because Mick Jagger can get away with singing:

White girls are pretty funny

Sometimes they just drive me mad

Black girls just want to get fucked all night

I just don't have that much jam.

and no one has arrested Mick Jagger for not aborting his children, whose brains were probably riddled with cocaine, which probably he force-fed his wife. Anyways, I think that last line is about Mick Jagger being sad that he lost his jungle fever, so he goes to New York to see if he can find Paul Weller to help him double team some black chicks. Anyways, today's review is Some Girls by The Rolling Stones. I realize no one has reviewed anything in a while, but in all honesty, I've been preparing my soul for the travesty that is "Neon Bible" by the Arcade Fire, so please bear with me. Imagine if you dressed up like a bear and then came to hang out with me! And then I could bring out a movie slate with garbled and incoherent German all over it and then say "Action!" and you could eat Win Butler. The joke here is that Werner Herzog is probably an insane pedophile.

God, this album is really fucking good, and is probably one of the Rolling Stones best albums. "Miss You" is just this fucking awesome disco song that shouldn't be confused with TRS (Shorthand, shortdick) song called "DOO DOO DOO DOO DEE DOO DOO." Then "When the Whip Comes Down" is this fucking balls out pop rocker and you just know Keith Richards is slapping his dick against his guitar in some moment of heroin induced irony. This album has "Beast of Burden," which was a Magic Card about the SILVER GOLEM KARN, and had something to do with its power and toughness equalling the amount of artifacts in play. Somehow knowing that fact hasn't prevented me from getting a lot of sex, but not with Werner Herzog you fucking sicko fucks! I also think that Beast of Burden (the song) is very popular with lesbians, but I couldn't tell you why. The Rolling Stones end the album with another one of their fucking greatest hits of all time, motherfucking "Shattered." If you can't WRAP your head around such shamefully eunuch-centric lyrics like, "Laughter / Joy/ and lonelines / and sex and sex and SEX AND SEX," while the rest of the band (Uh, a bunch of spinning rocks) goes all "bwop a dop a dwop dop'" then you're probably one of those queers who only likes late sixties Rolling Stones, and you're gay.

If you're a nerd like me who can't relate to some of the left-ventricle raping melodies of the Beatles but also doesen't like the fake, artsy-fartsy bravado of shit like "Sympathy for the Devil," then you'll love this stuff. Also, God is gay.

Rating: I rate this album, I rate it good.

Download: The Rolling Stones- Miss You