Sonny Sharrock - Ask The Ages

All the other classic albums from various jazz greats are reissued a couple times every decade and available at your local Borders Books & Music.

But no, not so for Ask The Ages. In fact, this shit is downright out of print.

That's because Sonny Sharrock was always a true outsider, more than even any other free jazz musician, really. He cranked out the dopest melodies and made the most awful noises and didn't give a fuck about guitar chops because he really just wanted to be a tenor player instead and he couldn't because of his asthma and such resentment toward one's instrument of choice (or non-choice) is not the sort of thing that is gonna be taught at America's fine institutions of formal music education, mister!

So first of all, he's older-ish. Second, it's 1991 and there are no more AMG 5-star jazz classics at this point (except this one, but nobody knows that.) Dude finally gets his shit together and recruits top jazz heavyweights ELVIN JONES and PHARAOH SANDERS instead of those porn fusion downtown cats he was playing with in the '80s.

Luckily, this was 1991, the year of Nirvana's Never Mind and fucked up primal noise was IN, dogg. Sonny was ballin' groupies and guest soloing on Bush's Golden State LP in no time. And just as the young hipster contingent began to roll in, he fucking died and that's terrible.

I was drumming along with this and then I realized that I can't believe how much I suck, it's true. So I wrote a review of it instead. 'Cause I'm really good at those, right???

Rating: Bill Laswell produces it and it doesn't sound dated at all, amazingly. Right amount of fullness in every perfectly mixed instrument. No shitty guitar tones to be found. Gloriously tasteful overdubs when necessary. Everything that is potentially great about jazz is here and everything that was great about Sonny Sharrock as an artist only enhances that. Balls out, unpretentious, fuckable, suckable. RESPECT.

Download Link: "Who Does She Hope To Be?"... he's on like some Eddie Hazel shit with this one.

Mandarin Movie - Mandarin Movie

This album was the last time I bought a new CD without having read a review or having heard a single note of in advance. No, I had no idea what this was going to sound like! It was on Aesthetics Records and had an interesting cover, and that was good enough for me. It's easy to justify buying things like on impulse when you've got a generous employee discount. I was also spending a lot more money than I was making and had to ask my parents for help more than once. What an embarrassing couple of years that was.

This band is lead by Rob Mazurek, who's probably one of the 2 or 3 biggest names in Chicago jazz and put out a ton of albums as part of the Chicago Underground Duo/Trio/Quartet/etc. before moving to Brazil or something. Here he's credited (in order) with playing computer, electric eels, Moog, pianette, and cornet. Lots of other musicians of the avant-garde play on this album too. I don't have time to list them all but maybe some of these names might tickle your fancy. Matthew Lux, Alan Licht, John Herndon... hungry now? I thought so!

If you like Isotope 217 or Tortoise but wish they'd spend more time droning and bringing in the power electronics, or enjoy the dark and spazzed out side of jazz fusion ("Rated X," "Theme From Jack Johnson," et al.) then this is the album you've been waiting for. Then again, you'd probably be better off just listening to old Miles Davis or Borbetomagus or whatever floats your boat. Plenty of sinister grooves here, but you've got to do your part while listening or it's gonna sound pretty wretched. You know what I mean? This isn't latte-sipping background music, but that doesn't mean you can't stroke your chin to it. That's actually recommended. I also enjoy this in the car, probably more so than at home. Go figure!

Rating:

Download: "The Highest Building in the World", the last and longest song on the album. Why settle for less when you can have the best? Music to soothe the savage breast.

Clikatat Ikatowi - Orchestrated & Conducted By

If you've ever fallen into the bad habit of buying every Gravity Records release because used copies are all like $3.99 each, you've probably been disappointed by the fact that it all sounds the fucking same and there aren't any actual songs and the vocals are obnoxious and it's all sort of objectively terrible.

Clikatat Ikatowi had it together a little more than most of their peers, however. There's only so much of this faggy racket that a stable person can really take and these dudes actually reign it in a bit with some boss dynamics, sort of tightish playing, and production that doesn't sound like all the guys wiping their asses on you.

Mario Rubalcaba is a good drummer.

I dunno.

Rating: Some cool guitar noises. It's 29 minutes long, there are slow parts, there are fast parts. Not really an unrelenting blast of post-hardcore fury compared to other GR releases, but too much of that shit can get tiring, ya know? If you want all brutal, all the time, with zero room for the sound or the listener to breathe, take your early Antioch Arrow EPs and be done with it.

Download Link: "DNA Timebomb"... pretty dopeass drumming on this one! Fans of SLRJ favorite At The Drive-In might find something to enjoy here.

Slum Village - Fan-Tas-Tic Vol. 1

listen i know u never heard this so check it out... make you dance like eating zatarain's......

Download Link: http://www.mediafire.com/?azn3bgxwexj

Blank Dogs - Under & Under

46 minutes of Blank Dogs music. In 2009.

I hope these songs aren't actually good because I sure as fuck don't want to sit through this again.

Rating: All Blank Dogs songs sound the fucking same except for "Blaring Speeches," which has the most blatant Cure/Joy Division influence. A couple others have decent hooks, as well. Really, though. Enough with this shit.
Download Link: "Tin Birds"... guitar line on this one stood out.

Sufjan Stevens - Illinois

Remember this album, LOL. For some reason while I was taking my math final, I kept thinking about it and decided to put it on when I got back to my room.

It's so awful that you sometimes forget how good it is and that's why you haven't listened to it once since 2005... UNTIL RIGHT NOW.

Anyone who enjoys this music but doesn't use words like "faggy" and "nasty dripping pussy" while talking about it should just slit his or her own throat today.

One of the songs was in Little Miss Sunshine, a top ten film of the '00s.

The best part is when he says, "I am crying in the bathroom."

If "John Wayne Gacy, Jr." doesn't make you laugh, you should re-evaluate your life.

Stephen Thomas Erlewine hates this shit, which is awesome because he also correctly gave Reel Big Fish's Cheer Up! 4 1/2 stars out of 5.

Rating: shit/10 (just kidding, this is actually an okay album, even if it'll probably be years until I'm able to legitimately enjoy it as actual music, and who knows, maybe that means never (probably))
Download Link:

Wolf Eyes - Wolf Eyes

It's the year 2000 and as usual these Ann Arbor noise pranksters are making no secret of their Whitehouse and Throbbing Gristle worship. Just listen to the way the synths gurgle and the electronic kick drums pummel you in a somewhat drained manner. If you want your patience testing avant-garde music to carry a satisfactory dose of post-ironic nihilism, then you are in for a treat because Wolf Eyes is all tummy tickling fun! Enjoy the pitch-shifted yelping in "Black Rows," the too-over-the-top-to-really-sound-threatening insane guy vocals in "Black Is Back" (early Ween + power electronics?!), the downright HILARIOUS vocals/lyrics combo on "Imagine Yourself As Me" ("IMAGINE YOURSELF AS MEEEEEEEE!!! NIGHT CLUBS, HOTELS, RADIO SHOWS!!! PEP RALLIES, HIGH SCHOOL... TALENT SHOWS!!!"), the IRONY DRIPPING song titles "Heartbeat City," "Give It Up," "These Girls of Mine," "Tryin' Times," the list goes on. Not a lot of 15 minute "art" epics here. The Wolf Guys are more set on finding that simultaneously unsettling and goofy balance between humor and sheer noise brutality, which mostly just results in "songs" that one could easily describe as being "obnoxious and not a whole lot more than that." And they'd be right.

Rating: Just too much. Especially over 45 minutes. No John Olson to reign Msrs. Dilloway and Young in a bit? Is that it? Who cares? Nobody is listening to this shit in 2009.
Download Link: "Imagine Yourself As Me" (in .aiff format! Sorry, guys, I didn't feel like ripping from the compact disc.)

The Strange Boys - The Strange Boys... And Girls Club

Did these feisty buckaroos just take someone's Apple® computer outside and take a picture of themselves using the renowned Photo Booth feature and call that the album cover? Sure bloody looks like it! What's next, writing their songs using nothing but autotune, a program that has the power to literally make songwriting brilliance materialize out of thin air and should be stopped at all costs?

But that's a debate that we just can't get into right now. A debate that cannot be contained by this blog, let alone by a single entry. However, PLEASE add your thoughts to this internet message board thread if you want to be part of the solution. Or any solution, really. Fight the good fight to preserve authenticity in music. I said, "music," not "rap," LOL.

Alright, so this album is okay. Garagey rock that is supposed to sound old and like the past half century of music never even happened. Some sort of achievement in rock music production as well as songwriting, perhaps? It all certainly sounds like these young people have done their homework and know the difference between the Wailers and No Age. Sounding authentic is something that they don't have to worry about.

Who fucking cares, though? Are these songs any good? Why 16 tracks? Why 37 minutes? Do we praise these bands for not inescapably sounding like products of their time or do we throw this shit away while we know that three months later we'll still be spinning the classics while the next Merriweather Post Pavilion will truly be capturing our new music hungry hearts?

The truth is... no one can say for sure. Certainly not me because I only listened to this album once and if you're reading this blog, you are more than familiar with the concept of "the grower" and how one can be lurking behind every corner, even when you're convinced that you shouldn't even bother expecting it to do so.

Dogg and I went out for burritos the other night and while discussing our favorite releases of the year (his top 5: Phoenix, Green Day, MPP, The-Dream, Grizzly Bear; mine: MPP, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, The-Dream, Future of The Left, Wavves (<-- recommended)), he looked at me blankly and stated, "Music is done. Go home."

And it was. And I did.

Thanks, Dogg.

Rating: Let It Bloom still sounds okay.
Download Link: I don't think so.

YO, DOGGS, IT'S THE FIRST EVER SOLID LITTLE ROCK JAMS SPECIAL GUEST REVIEW


Jasper Todd Hitchen
1990-2009

Jasper was a good friend with a beautiful heart and a satisfying cock. He loved indie rock and having objectively terrible taste in literally everything. I was lucky to have climbed into his sweaty sexual belly one last time before he lost his life to the swine flu in his UCLA dormitory. He wanted to write this review for SLRJ a month ago and I laughed in his face. He's dead now, though.




The Beatles - Rubber Soul

Rubber Soul kinda sucks. Every song is pretty fucking stupid and if someone had never heard The Beatles before and you put this album on for them and told them it was by the best band of all time they would punch you in the face. But you should probably punch them back and tell them how rude that was because this is one of the all time greats and you can't just piss on the classics like that!

Of my top 50 Beatles songs, I think two of them are on Rubber Soul: “Drive My Car”, with it's McCartney tongue-in-cheek wit, that fluid brain-melting bass, and Ringo holding it all together with that light, perfect rat-tat-tat. The other, “In My Life”, is a real TJ Tearjerker and one of the few times that John Lennon seems sincere when he's getting sentimental. A real winner!

So why do I consider it the greatest record by the greatest band? Because no matter how long I look, I cannot find a flaw in it. Not in songwriting, not in the production, not in the tone, not in the lyrics, not even on the cover. That was the Beatlecut at it's prime. Very little I wouldn't do for a McCartney circa 1965.

Even band knew they had perfected music at this point. Every album that precedes Rubber Soul is taking another step forward as the Fab Four honed their craft, diversified their arsenal, and pushed the limits of the music industry at the time. But with Revolver they started walking sideways. Instead of writing “songs”, they started writing “psychedelic songs”. On Sgt. Pepper's, they did a “concept album”. Magical Mystery Tour had a fucking movie. But this was the apex of rock music. These dudes were cutting and pasting tape together and they made the harmonies on “Nowhere Man” sound like they're timed by supercomputers. “You Won't See Me” is a soaring, slashing, semi-anthem that's begging for my love, but too reserved to deserve it. “MICHELLE”, MA BELLE. Every sound falls exactly into place. The band is a tight, sloppy, wet, thirsty cunt. George is beating out these wanky solos he wrote in 30 seconds all over this masterpiece. Short and sweet, ready to repeat, 35:39 (fuck the U.S. version).

There's very few overwhelming moments on the album, where you're just overtaken with this powerful musical bliss that you can't shake off. It's very restrained and difficult to get emotional about. It feels antithetical to everything that a sensitive, 21st century college-going man w/feelings should be looking for in his musical entertainment. The excitement isn't jaw-dropping, but rather jaw-clenching in it's uptight, nervous perfection. Rubber Soul is so few things but so many millions of things that it's not. It's not cheesy, it's not silly, it's not serious, it's not purposeful, but most of all it's not flawed. I recommend it to both my family and friends.


- Jasper Hitchen, 06/02/09

Looks like I accidentally deleted last week's review of Wolfgang Voigt's first ever U.S. concert performance.

Bummer, it was an amusing one.

At least we still have the comments.

,
LG

Gun Outfit - Dim Light

Listened to this album one time a month and a half ago.

Started off like raw as all fuck Dinosaur Jr. and then I lost interest, but maybe it's a "grower" like hip hop and the Afghan Whigs. Grimy lo-fi throwback bullshit that's not trying nearly hard enough to sound like it's not trying hard enough.

I don't know jack shit about new music anymore, I just picked this album 'cause I'm self-conscious about how ruggedly obscure my tastes seem. All I play anymore is Neil Young's discography and Sun Kil Moon and like five other albums that only don't sound like shit at night time.

Too many bands, they need to stop.

Rating: I'd say, "Don't waste your time," but you might as well do just that.
Download Link: "Work Experience"

Pain Teens - Pain Teens (1988)

I don't know when or where I first downloaded this album but it languished on my computer for a year or two before I had to reformat sometime in 2007. I saved half of my mp3 collection on CD-Rs and then tossed said CD-Rs into a shoebox where they sat for about two years. Until now!

Suddenly I'm once again enjoying golden hits like DJ Tasaka's themes from "OH! Super Milk Chan," the elite compositions of Wilco's own Glenn Kotche, and Amon Tobin's Bricolage, which was given a perfect 10.0 on Pitchfork until the review was seemingly purged from the site during its last update, along with the classic reviews of Save Ferris, 12 Rods, and Beck's Odelay, among others. How could Mr. Tobin feel about this, being thrust from the privileged and seemingly immortal ranks of the the chosen? There's something eerily Orwellian about it, like it's been dropped into a chute from somewhere within the Ministry of Truth and incinerated, never to be spoken of again. At least will still have the review of Permutation, and the unforgettable account of Ryan Schrieber's trip down I-94 to a Chicago hostel. Sunroof top, digging the scene, but little did he know that it wouldn't be long before he'd have an entire generation along with him for the ride. And what a ride it's been!

Also on these discs was the self-titled debut from Pain Teens, which for the life of me I can't remember downloading in the first place or ever listening to more than once. I put it on this afternoon while rearranging my furniture, digging through old school notebooks and dusting off and trying to organize my growing collection of half-broken and obsolete personal electronics. I probably should have been licking the hairs off my bathroom floor or catching up on my collection of cheerleader snuff videos instead. Or at least that's what it felt like once this had been playing for a few minutes. Shit, these are some brutal songs! Did you hear about that guy in California who ate his son's eyes right out of his head? Can you believe what this world is coming to? I mean, grab the gurney! Gotta smh at that shit.

Lots of tape loops and electronics, employed in that heavy, lurching way that all you Wolf Eyes or Kevin Drumm fans will enjoy. But don't worry rock fans. This is a real band with guitars, drums, and other real instruments. They were friends with the Butthole Surfers, who wrote "Dracula in Houston," which could have been the next great Smash Mouth song if they hadn't sold out. Play this at your next party in between Trapdoor Fucking Exit and Twin Infinitives and thank me later!

Rating:


Download: http://www.megaupload.com/?d=WP08ZMKO

Dead C - Trapdoor Fucking Exit

there's a lot of people who are really fucked up, like the bad kind, and only a few of them are lucky enough to have enough talent that nobody cares. Neutral Milk Hotel? imagine a dude who tells everybody that he's obsessed with fucking Anne Frank, a 12 year old dead girl, so much that he sat in his basement and wrote songs about it, never talking to another human being, and instead of locking him up they worship him and get tattoos of his weirdo artwork. i know perfectly well-adjusted grown men who went to see him play ten years ago and actually freak out over the fact that they made eye contact. and why, because he knows three chords? because he wrote lyrics nobody can relate to? it can't be the music, because it's a bunch of half-assed campfire shit. it's because he regurgitated his entire tortured psyche in such an extreme way that all you can do is listen in complete awe. we've all got hangups and we love listening to people who've got it worse and have the balls to tell the world about it. if you like wackjob music like that then this is the album for you.

this is disaffected twentysomething shit taken to a new level. just totally world weary and hopeless. it's not wide eyed manchild catharsis like Jeff Mangum; they plod through this shit like they're about to give up any second and just kick the chair. you play this and it amazes you that the person who wrote these songs can pay their rent on time and even get out of bed in the morning. i've never listened to it sober so i dont know. this is just some filthy, grimy ruminations from people who started thinking too much and went insane. it's not the lyrics, or the songs, because there hardly are any; you could basically record this entire album in your garage with a tape recorder and a snare drum, but apparently it was made by reasonably functional adults. goddamn. i'm sure to a lot of people it'll sound like garbage, whatever. just break up with your girlfriend, smoke a blunt and let this shit make you want to crawl into a cave forever.

Rating: keep on truckin'

download: http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?gmztflb5tyn

FUgazi - 13 Schlongs(1990)

Sorry I am not reviewing pretentious, obscure indie bullshit like my compatriots. Leif Garret is writing about some noise rock compilation of the MEGO label that maybe eight people have heard. What a waste of kilobytes and memory space. Fucking makes me sick. Stay tuned for next week when we take a extensive look at Incubus's discography followed by the foo fighter.

Ian MacKaye's Fugazi were a group of hungry Mexican-Americans who recorded a bunch of Eps in the late 1980s in exchange for many sandwiches and freshly washed bedsheets. Fresh off the boat from Bethlehem, Ian MacKate and sidekick Guy Pizzacoti were literally stuffed with interesting melodies showing the hardcore kids that you didn't necessarily have to play your balls off to write cool punk rock that you can slam dance too!

Also, the first track on this EP compilation is a really good song, "Waiting Room" is you haven't heard it yet. It's the sound of two butt fuckers thundering around without a care in the world.

The second track is cool, but the guy singing on it, (Guy Pizza?? I think Ian is the deeper vocalist) sounds too much like Elvis Costello. In conclusion fuck the rest of the album

Life sucks, though. I don't have a job right now and don't want to pay my rent anymore.


Rating: Probably every FUgazi release is essential, and this is among the top 3-4.

Download: http://www.mediafire.com/?04dlht1zrd3

Massimo - Hello Dirty

Not too sure about this one. It's definitely real distorted and an experimental noise release from 2002 on the MEGO label.

So loud! Can't play it in the dorm at the volume that it demands. Harsh realm, doggs.

Is it dense? Is there shit going on? I think in track three or at some point I thought I heard something that wasn't a dude fucking with some sustained synth shit. So fuzzed out, though, who knows what the fuck was really happening there.

Maybe this deserves to be "spun on my AKG's." Maybe I need to get out of this room. Maybe I need to not have a headache all the time. Maybe I should pull it out during a less stressful period. I really don't know. The 2002 Mego release Hello Dirty and I got off on the wrong foot, that's definitely apparent. Gonna give it the benefit of the doubt, but for now, compared to the super engaging sonic environments crafted by Kevin Drumm and Fe-mail, this shit is downright monotonous. At least To Live & Shave In L.A. has funny samples.

Rating: I'm probably wrong when I say that there's no low end and nothing happens. Pretend that you're reading this seven years ago, nobody cares about this shit anymore.
Download Link: NEW WILCO STREAMING http://beta.wilcoworld.net/records/thealbum/index.php

Neil Young - On The Beach

Why did this have to come out before Tonight's The Night, now everybody is confused.

That's not the order that you listen to them in unless you don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Last three songs on here would have been the greatest suicide note ever penned but instead of dying after letting that G chord have a couple final gasps Neil Young just keeps on living and writes "Like A Hurricane" and "Powderfinger" and "Cough Up The Bucks" because he's Neil fucking Young, the face of the '70s folk/country/singer/songwriter bullshit that was basically just backwash generated by the Great '60s Abortion of Shattered Dreams and yet he's the only one who truly took it upon himself to just kill every remaining trace of it. And that's what On The Beach is, Neil murdering what is either part one, two, or four of his "classic" era to make way for part two or three or five because the only other choice would have been to shamefully fade away or burn out or whatever everybody else did.

Because he just transcends every aspect of everything else and if you supposedly enjoy this music and yet don't realize this then you're listening to it all wrong.

You don't know what it is to feel like every person in the world is going out of their way to obliviously suffocate any aspect of your life that has the potential to make things seem a little bit better, if only for an hour or two or until you wake up the next morning, except deep down you know it's you who is the one guilty of feeding yourself the most bullshit of all. Neil Young's friends are dying and his women are leaving and he's done all he can to stay true to his own individuality except that's not what people want and it's not the way that anything is going to get better.

And he isn't just going to stay in one place. He went completely off it on the last two records, even growing a beard and rejecting the oh so played out electric rock 'n roll guitar in favor of some bomb ass saloon piano that he could bash out the most tuneless bullshit on and not have to stand up. And now it's time to move on because he's really just sick and delirious and tired and that's why "Ambulance Blues" exists and is the Greatest Goddamned Song Ever Written and makes me think for nine whole minutes that maybe it's the lyrics that matter after all.

But enough about the baked as all fuck melancholy exhaustion apocalypse that is side two of this album, enough before I even get to the title track or "Motion Pictures" and how you should be ashamed of your life for the fact that feeling sorry for yourself has never resulted in writing THOSE fucking songs, Jesus Christ. Because everything else here is genius. Except "Vampire Blues." But complaining about a "filler track" that is so blatantly a filler track... who even does that anymore? Irrelevant. Levon Helm sits down, plays a 4/4 beat, and makes you rethink rock drumming as you thought you knew it. "Revolution Blues" is the definition of sheer brutality, a "VICIOUS SWIPE," indeed. Then there's the Crazy Horse guitar rock song with the beautiful riff and a vocal melody that goes to more wonderful places than any of us deserve to be taken.

I'm not going to just review all the songs on here, probably should have just stopped the review a couple paragraphs ago. You know I've listened to it a few times and don't consider not singling out "For The Turnstiles" as a highlight (which it isn't) as evidence that I "forgot about it" so don't try to pull that one, mister.

Wholly deserving of its classic status. Sure don't make 'em like this anymore!

Rating: Another pretty good Neil Young album.
Download Link: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Have a Nice Life - Deathconsciousness

here's two broads with no money trying to be Fields of the Nephilim. if you've taken a freshman year art history class you'll know how awesome the cover art is. check it out if you're this one girl i fucked who took pictures of herself in the cemetery with a wig on.

RIYL: when the cock accidentally goes down the trachea

download link: www.megaupload.com/?d=JFE62LLC

Foo Fighters - Foo Fighters

Dave Grohl was the drummer for Nirvana and apparently he wrote some songs of his own, too! Foo Fighters is his opportunity to let his star truly shine. Not bad for a first try with little outside help save for some Greg Dulli guitar on "X-Static." You may have heard "Big Me" and "I'll Stick Around" popping up on radio or MTV, but the rest of the album is no slouch. From the more aggressive numbers ("Weenie Beenie," "Wattershed") to the kind of melodic grunge pop that proves Grohl to be close to former bandmate Kurt Cobain's equal ("Alone + Easy Target," "Good Grief"), the album's homespun eclecticism suggests that its creator has a long way to go in terms of refining and focusing his craft, but his current approach nevertheless makes for some tough rock songs that succeed in spite of their half-finished quality and hold much promise for Grohl's future achievements.

Rating: ***1/2/*****
Download Link: Download Foo Fighters' "All My Life" from Amazon.com for only $0.99 - http://www.amazon.com/All-My-Life/dp/B0018Q13JW

The Replacements - Let It Be(1984)

This album saved my life. Not in the literal sense(though, God, if I never heard it, who knows?), but it's the reason i wake up every morning. I first stumbled upon it in a used bin, amidst a bunch of Peter Gabriel solo albums and 80s David Bowie records, a diamond in the rough.

I can't even begin to remember what kind of person I was before I first heard this album. I wouldn't want to meet him. Whiny, fussy baby. I can't remember any day in particular that was important to me until I first listened to this album, the last album I bought as a teenager. I loved it more in the 3 days I had it as a nineteen year old than I do now. It's brought me to tears, I've listened to it while trashing rooms, hating myself, having sex, staying up all night with friends, shouting ever lyric at the top of my lungs like God's word, vacuuming, eating, drinking, breathing, living. This album is me. I don't ever want to hear anything else again but this album. I don't want to hear people talking, Even now my fingers are typing too loud, drowning out parts of Bob Stinson's whiskey-soaked guitars. I hate it.

Even the album cover, sometimes I wake up and I am that album cover. I'm the bass line to "I Will Dare," I'm Tommy, I'm Gary, I'm Dick, I'm Jane. "Unsatisfied" was the last song I ever played on my short-lived radio show. I remember the first time I heard it driving down Rt. 31 in Batavia, realizing brilliance was washing over my ears, I had to park the car and take it all in. It was the greatest moment of my life. Better than being born. Better than any moment in existence that ever has been or ever will be. No one had ever felt as special as I did at that precise second.

I turned 23 about a half hour ago. I'm listening to it right now. I hope I'm listening to it 20 minutes from now. I hope I'm listening to it 20 years from now, I hope I'm listening to it even after I'm dead. This album has been with me for three years now, the best three years of my life. I'll never be happier.

Go out and buy it, go buy three copies. Listen to it and over and over, let it change your life like it did to me. If it doesn't that's okay, that'll just make it even more special to me. I never really liked fitting in anyway.

Animal Collective - Merriweather Post Pavilion

POOP IN MY BUTT POOP ON MY TONGUE AND TEETH MMMMMMMMMMMM PUSSY SO WET

Hi! My dick is long and squishy!!!!!!!!! Come inside and play with my sloppy balls and butthole, they're a playground of fuckable shit smeared delights!!!

PREVIEW THE NEW ANIMAL COLLECTIVE ALBUM THAT EVERBYODY'S ALREADY HEARD RIGHT NOW GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!


"IN THE FLOWERS"- SKULLS FUCKCED FORCEFULLY FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING LOTS OF NASTY FUCKING
"MY GIRLS" - SWEATY NASTY PUSSYHOLE SPREAD WIDER THAN ALASKA
"ALSO FRIGHTENED" - I WANT YOUR CUM YOUR HOT BLACK CUM I WANT IT INSIDE OF ME
"SUMMERTIME CLOTHES"- MAKE ME WIDER SO SO WIDE I WILL BE TIGHT NO LONGER
"DAILY ROUTINE" - SLOPPY TITTIES LICKING NIPS NIPS NIPS NIPS MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM SLURP!!!
"BLUISH" - SNIFF PANTIES SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF ALLD AY MUST SNIFF PANTIES
"GUYS EYES" - PEEPEEPEEPEEPEEPEEPEE BEACH BOYS
"TASTE" - CATCH A FART IN YORU MOUTH SEND IT BACK INTO ME WHERE IT STAYS FOREVER
"LION IN A COMA" - MOUTH IS STUCK ON COCK HAVE TO BEAT IT WITH A FUCKING CROWBAR TO LOB IT OFF
"NO MORE RUNNIN'" - JISM DRIPPING OUT OF ASS LICK IT UP THE JUICES WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
"BROTHERSPORT" - A BRUTAL FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCKING COCKS IMPLODING MANGLED PUSSY IS ENOUGH TO GAS JEWS WITH MINIMAL EFFORT/////////////FSDAFFEFWYIFAYHFLLLZKUC9876546**********CCCC|||||||||

Rating: This album is SOOOOO good! It's gonna have to be a pretty amazing year for this to get topped in '09! This is easily the strongest and most tuneful Animal Collective album and you know this isn't the last or best we'll hear from them and it's things like this that make me truly fulfilled to hip to obscure alternative music.

Download Link: Wavves http://www.mediafire.com/?jooffd2ntz3

The Field - Yesterday And Today(2009)

This is another electronic minimal release on the KOMPAKT label. I don't like this as much as other "The Field" releases, maybe it'll grow on me. I don't know.

The album is named after one of The Beetles US-only albums entitled "Yesterday...and Today" and just so happens to contain every song from that album in it's entirety.

I'm listening to The Clash - Sandinista! right now and think it sorta sucks. Reggae??? BLEEECHHH!! The music equivalent of swallowing a live grenade and rubbing your tummy until it explodes, causing your delicious guts and fucking pancreas to spray everywhere in your two-bit suburban apartment complex.

Rating: Sold bone cruncher, The Field have done it again. Everyone else is saying it's just as great as the last one, maybe you should give it a listen and tell me what you think.

Download: i don't have it. Here's Sandinista! though.

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=4QIN7MPK

Corrupted - El Mundo Frio

Having kind of a rough night over here. The other day I thought about what it would be like to finally shove a gun down my fucking throat and show the world how much it has ruined me and for maybe the first time ever it didn't seem a completely unfathomable action. Now I'm realizing more than ever that I'm incapable of following any sort of plan that I set out for myself in accordance with how positive I know the outcome will be. Every day feels like I've fallen further, whatever ability I had to prioritize and learn from my mistakes as a pre-teen disintegrating into what will eventually be a vast nothingness, an empty world of tattered relationships and hopeless ambitions that I won't even be able to cull joy from merely thinking about fulfilling, as I barely do now.

I'm so tired and miserable. I seek little else other than some path towards self-improvement, to live in a way that lets me be self-involved enough as to not eat up the resources of others when they would prefer that I didn't, to not suppress or deny prevalent human emotions but to also not forget about the good things that are always there or react to persons in ways that are not true to my self and what I truly believe to be a reflection of the worldview that I have built up through my 19 years as a tortured social retard. And perhaps ultimately I will come out of this the most victorious. But that day has not yet arrived, no fucking way, and my simple efforts to act in the most broadly rewarding manner have been met with confusion and even disgust from the people I'm not even sure I can comfortably call my peers.

I wish people would work on finding their own ways of conquering their inescapably human tendencies before turning to drugs to do it for them. I wish that persons who respected me would realize that they can't show me this by doing everything in their power to destroy the most valuable relationship in my life. I wish I could feel panic the most during the stages when prevention is actually a viable option. I wish that having an admirable grasp on one's "self-awareness" was more than some meaningless bullshit concept that no young person can ever give any thought to and still remain in a blissfully ignorant state or anything other than that exact thing with the "blissful" part replaced by insecurity of the most visibly horrifying nature. I wish I could discover some objective measure of how much more alone I may or may not be than everybody else. I wish that I could look back on every day's worth of accomplishments as I would an entire month's so that I can actually for once get caught up in the moments that I deserve to feel halfway decent about as they're still here to be lived through.

I wish every night wasn't like this.

Rating: It's like if Red House Painters were a bunch of filthy Mexicans! Can't believe anybody takes "metal" seriously, wow. BOOOOOOR-ING.

Download Link: Crystal Castles - "Courtship Dating" http://www.mediafire.com/?9tm4vnq1a91

Michael Mayer - Immer

This is a minimal techno release from 2002 on the KOMPAKT label.

It's pretty great, idk. Reminds me of sweaty labias.

Rating: 5 stars from the All Music Guide so you know it's a modern masterpiece of the '00s on par with David Cross's Shut Up You Fucking Baby! and System of A Down's Toxicity.

Download Link: Radiohead - In Rainbows (full album) http://www.megaupload.com/?d=6GVT3IFJ

The Field - Things Keep Falling Down(2005)

Another pretty good The Field album.

Rating: Bleeps and bloops.

Download:

Dead Kennedys - Fresh Fruit For Rotting Vegetables(1980)

Dead Kennedys were a hardcore punk band from 2001-2008 with brendan cruz on vocals. amazingly talented black drummer peligro on drumz. east bay ray on guitar, and rev. al sharpton on bass. this highly influential multi-ethnic pop punk band had a great formula. Fast, non-formulaic punk songs fused w/ extremely leftist(and funny!) political rantings.

This was their first album where the Kennedys were at their funnest and fartiest, and much, much slower than any of the material they did after this. (The drummer they had on this album was more of a sperm whale and couldn't drum beat his kits bashiest enough until they hired talented black comedian, peligro(which means danger! in mexico).

Anyway, Brendan Cruz's lyrics hadn't gotten to the point of self-parody yet, and the guitarwork that is on this debut LP is some of the most inventive, visionary, and influential ever recorded. The Donkey Kongs had a unique sound, and coupled with the "piss off mom & dad" lyrics, these guys were practically tailor-made to appeal to the average pimple faced high schooler who is too much of a gay to ever be cool enough to try hard in gym class or have sex before he turns 30.

Anyway, the band recently broke up due to health concerns, and-wait, the original vocalist is featured on this album??? I thought the Dead Kennedys were recen

Rating:


Download: http://www.megaupload.com/?d=W88FB3BZ

Gas - Nah Und Fern

This is a minimal techno release with music from 1996-2000 on the KOMPAKT label.

It's alright... now... in fact, it's a (4 disc box set by) GAS!!!!!

Rating: 10/10, all the albums are the same.

Download Link: The Beatles - 1 (full album) http://www.megaupload.com/?d=6GVT3IFJ

Nirvana - Bleach(1989)

Let's set the record on KUrd Cobain, the dude was a talented songwriter and also very tale4nted at killing himself. How did he blow his brains out with a shotgun using his toe or whatever the story is? I can't even tie my shoes.

This is the album that came out before Nevermind that not as many people have heard. A lot of the songs are really, really simple. "Floyd The Barber" for example, basically has the same guitar, bass, and drum parts playing over and over, and the vocal melody isn't exactly the most charming. However, I'm a huge fan of this albums sound. For an album called "Bleach" it sure sounds really filthy, and all the guitars sound like Black Sabbath riffs.

Kurt Cobain wrote most of these songs, but Dave Grohls co-wrote the better songs like "about a girl" "celebrated summer" and "my name is jonas" the latter being probably the most important song in the bands history.

All the songs are good on here except the last track which was added to the CD version. "Downer," it sounds like a wet, smelly dog licking mustard spread around his master's moist buttcrack.

After this album, all three members of the Nirvanas quite the band and reformed as New Order with Gillian Gilbert on guitar!

Rating: This is probably my second favorite Nirvanas album, I'd give it an 8/10 but I'd rate it higher if all the songs sounded as good as "About A girl" "Blew" Love Buzz "and Sphaghetti"


Download:
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=UD36VCFX

The Field - From Here We Go Sublime

This is a minimal techno release from 2007 on the KOMPAKT label.

I like men.

Rating:

Download Link:

At The Drive-in - Relationship Of Command(2000)


Once upon a time there were two cholos named Omar Rodriguez and Cedric Bixler, they teamed up with some of the biggest cock sucking faggots on the planet one day in texas and released tons of albums, EPs, and singles that brought a smile to many a people in the music listening community.

Then one day Cedric grew a giant dick and started raping and fucking everything in the whole world. His dick grew to be about a thousand feet long and he rubbed his dick so strongly he squirted his semen onto the entire world. The semen was as black as blood and smothered the 3 other homos in the At The Drive-ins and smothered the entire world with pain and misert.

that semen was The Mars Volta.

Fuck you, Cedric Bixler and Homer Rodriguez.

Rating: 10/10

Download Link: http://www.megaupload.com/?d=KVJQQZ5H |

Vampire Weekend- Vampire Weekend

You'll have to excuse me if recent events have COLORED my tone at all, but I just found out that GODSPEED YOU! BLACK EMPEROR probably won't reunite when I am still young enough to follow them around the world like a dead-head (Or even ever, forever ever, forever ever ever). It's not just that GY!BE is my favorite band, it's just that when you place such a premium on certain artistically integral bands still having a relevant message, as well as having UNRELEASED MUSIC that sounds fucking awesome, AND THEN THEY DECIDE TO QUIT. Well, that really gets stuck in my craw!

Anyways, I'm going to review Vampire Weekend^2 right now. As usual, it's hard for me to OBJECTIVELY ENJOY this critically acclaimed band because let's face it, I have a jello spine and I spend most of my life looking for something to bitch about. And of course, THIS VAMPIRE WEEKEND SHINDIG just you know, was a typical pitchfork et music community overhype. I mean, I can't even begin to agree with a score of a high eight when after listening to this album, I don't hear anything succintly powerful enough to make me miss the record if Satan in his unrelenting torment decided to strike this album from my (Itunes) library. This update is sponsored by GEEKY PROPAGANDA. Also, I got mistaken for the Apple guy the other night (who I guess gets mistaken for Keanu Reeves, whom I unfortunately get a lot. *camera zooms off of bare ass*) I could just be in full on misanthropy mode right now.

The unfortunate thing is that I have a history of getting a lot of over-hyped bands really, really wrong! Wrong in that I could have been enjoying these bands for a long time before I initially started to dig them. I don't think this band will necessarily stand the test of time; however, so HISTORY MAY VINDICATE ME. While everyone was ejerkulating all over the Strokes, I was huffing and puffing about how boring they sounded, say in comparison to, hmm, I don't know, AT THE DRIVE-IN (kisses). I guess one might say in a condescendingly nasally voice “You just were at a different point at your life, sonny!” I am just not a very good conductor for the TEEN HEAT that makes you feel like you're smack dab in the middle of some fucking awesome band coming out of nowhere and ENGULFING YOU in some neo-(garage?)jangly movement. I got the White Stripes wrong, too! In fact, what I did in what may have been an act of misguided rebellion, is reject all those bands in favor of THE VINES' debut. I just wanted to get free of all the hype! Too bad The Vines are shit now and The Strokes and White Stripes are fantastic groups of musicians and non-musicians (Alfred Hammond-Hammond, I'm looking at you!)

Sometimes in High School, I'd say, “The Beatles are way overrated!” just to annoy people. I also was never taught proper punctuation so I get nervous whenever I type inside of quotations and just end with an exclamation point. Tangentialism aside, now I think that it's the opposite, that the Beatles are underrated. So if you ever want to hate on me for not liking THE ARCADE FIRE or THE NEW PORNOS or THE END OF BELA LUGOSI'S WEEK, then cool, I've given you a lot of ammunition.

But, please, spare me the slings and arrows of outrageous fortunes.

Mostly, I liked the beginning of Vampire Weekend! It was kind of blithe and fantastical, like a bunch of Kevin Barnes were playing every instrument and found someone who knew how to record Of Montreal. I'm looking over the notes I wrote on my hand, and I guess I have no idea why people throw the afro-drum thing around. I'm sure if you were discussing Vampire Weekend with your best black friend Mutombo Africa, and you brought up that the drums sounded African, he'd probably throw a rock-butted spear through you. Oh, this isn't Nascar's Greatest Country Hits the music blog? My apologies.

Rednecks are stupid.

The first two songs don't wear thin on me at all! The vocal harmonies and the way Vampire Weekend builds up sections by having dynamic melodies throughout the songs are wonderful. Wait, the second song started already? Fuck, okay, alright I'm on the fourth song and I thought we were still on the second song (He said Oxford Comma and then all of a sudden I was two more tracks down!). Hey, the vocal stuff is still similar, but it's good! I don't know if I'd want anyone to hear me listening to this, though. The background music sounds so delicate that it would be perfect for an easily upsettable 18^th century French king. He probably has Crohns so anything half as loud as a musket shot would disturb his porcelain rectum. He would hear the fluttering violins (Hah, a critical cliché if I've ever written one!) and exclaim to himself, “Bon, cette musique ici, ca ne fait pas mal aux mes intestins!” Anyways, I couldn't imagine playing this at a party, and if I had people in my room and I played this, they'd probably call me gay. Since all my friends are gay or are still in the closet, it would mean that there is some sub-level of pejorative context to the word gay that transcends all manner of irony and bigotry. Vampire Weekend is the indie equivalent of the much derided, yet often sought after music genre known as “Easy Listening,” and by all means I'd probably listen to this album again. Also, the lyrics are supposed to be whimsical and irreverent but as I'm deaf like Beethoven, I usually just pretend that every song is a rip-off of John Lennon's “Imagine.” Hah, a period!

I don't know if this affects your portrayal of my review, but I was jerking off during half of the album instead of paying as close attention as I should have been. I'm going to be spending Valentine's Day alone. Will you?

Rating: I don't know, like half as good as a Broken Social Scene album? (Pick any Broken Social Scene album)

Download: Vampire Weekend- A-Punk

Kevin Drumm - Purge

When you are underground noise musician, you release million selling chart-busters that have you making noise with another famous underground noise musician, and for some reason, it's worse than either of the solo releases that you two bros have put out. Also, you release cassettes that are impossible to find because nobody owns a cassette tape player so it doesn't matter that nobody is able to find them. You generally release approximately 73 of these cassettes every two weeks. If you are a lazy cunt, you just put them on CD-R's, take them to the record store, and slip them in with the Cake CDs.

Luckily, Kevin Drumm is a scary bearded ghost man who not only rarely performs, but wisely releases an "official solo release" every year (from about 1999 to 2005) or every couple years (nothing in 2006 from the man!) This is an awesome thing because it makes his discography easy to keep track of, and because he's the fucking MASTER, he is able to keep each one of his releases distinct from the ones around it, and never stays in the same place for long. Each release moves forward from the last, introducing some new element or blowing an existing element out of proportion.

Which brings us to Purge. It is his longest release since 2002's terribly face-melting all-out fucking masterwork Sheer Hellish Miasma. A (presumably) limited amount of copies was put out on iDEAL Recordings, who released Wolf Eyes's Black Wings Over The Sand earlier this year. I downloaded an MP3 rip from a Hipinion YSI thread. It's all one track. It is about an hour long and there are one or two silence breaks. Not sure if there are official "tracks" here, but there could be. The first 15 minutes or so consist of some seriously whited out trebly "suck on this, Matthew Bower" dentist-drill-from-hell noise. Then there's this huge change and it's a fucking rumble in the jungle, let me tell you, and man, it makes me jump the fuck up in surprise and utter terror. Kevin Drumm knows how to vary it up, he does. Throughout this bad boy, we have some horrible screeching whiteness, low-end mega-distorto, seizurous electrospazz, what sounds like heavily treated metal riffing, and some ambient cool-down relaxation to bring it all home. And then just when you think it's all over, the dude lays on some seriously stomach-churning synthesizer fuckery. Quite the journey. For some reason, it ends with a field recording that consists of church bells, somebody playing trumpet, what sounds like a door being slammed, and a brass ensemble playing some slow delightful wedding music or some shit. Kevin Drumm is certainly a weird and funny human being.

Rating: Throughout the decade, Kevin Drumm has been continuously plunging headfirst into new realms of extreme brutality. And boy, is Purge no exception. What a fucking massive work this is, even more scrotum-slashingly abrasive than Land of Lurches or Impish Tyrant. It's good to have him back!

Song: A bunch of pictures that my girlfriend and I took on Photo Booth! God bless TECHNOLOGY, dang

wolves in throne room - two hunters

hunters of bread, pasta and pussy, lots of cunt juice flowing down their chins and flowing down their beards, i like a nice round dick to touch and smell when i'm trapped inside the bowels of hell

this album smells like a banana

score:

MV & EE with the Golden Road - Gettin' Gone

I heard some other album of theirs not too long ago. It was called Green Blues and was recorded with a completely different road. It sounded like some serious sleepy-time LSD droney folk jamz, that is what it sounded like. The one time I listened to it, I fell asleep on the train. Then I came home, listened to the rest, thought about the women in my life, and probably fell asleep again. So on that particular day and under those particular circumstances, it was just that kind of record album, it was.

Those days are no more, though, and now we have a whole new long-player from this happy couple that is a bearded woman and man, fighting together, I can teach you, teach you something, if you listen, man and woman. New Ween album, dudes. It's boss as shit. Obviously not as good as Strawberry Jam or whatever supposedly "subversive" bullshit the kids are digging.

This album is not like that other album I heard! There are SONGS here. Lots of 'em. Slightly over an hour of SONGS is what this album is. Maybe Green Blues had songs and I didn't notice them because I was asleep. This new album sounds like Neil Young. Neil Young and his rock band Crazy Horse. Don't pretend that it doesn't. Listen to that fucking guitar tone on "Mama My," holy shit. Who cares if it's "derivative," that cunt pummelin' Crazy Horse sound is as perfect as rock 'n roll gets. Why try to even deny that. My god. My fucking god.

There are two types of songs on here: the spacey acoustic songs that don't have drums, and the balls-out rockers that do have drums. And the drums are totally kickass. DID YOU KNOW that the drummer on here is J. MASCIS, well, I just heard that today. I believe it. These drums... they're heavy. They sound great. The whole thing sounds really good, yep. 'Twas obviously recorded to tape, all analog-like. And it totally sounds like a log cabin in the woods or something. You can taste the tree bark and bushy marijuana beard real good, yep.

So, yeah, the rockers. Either they're complete shit-stompers like "Don't Cry No Tears" or creepy thunderclouds drifting overhead like "Danger Bird." Jesus christ, Zuma is the Greatest Album Ever Recorded, right? Why did I just say that, I don't believe it for one second, save for the ones during which I think about just how fucking good Zuma is. That's it, I'm turning this new-fangled G.G. Allin with Paul Rodgers pile 'o 200+ kbps VBR mp3 files off... that's right, I'm listening to "Danger Bird" right now. This fucking song. Neil Young is as good as Paul McCartney. Not really as good as the Killers featuring Lou Reed, mind you. It's not like Neil Young and Paul McCartney were ever in the BEATLES, ha.

Anyways, the acoustic songs are good, too. "I Get Caves In There." Beautiful song. Check it out. Pretty sure that there are one or two totally all-out epic acoustic droners on here. There's that one near the end, I know that. They're great, of course, but I'm not so into them as I am into shit like tracks three and four and two and thirteen and a bunch of the other solid jamz.

A lot of people are saying "Neil Young and Royal Trux" when talking about this bad boy of an album. And they're right! Forget about the Stones and shooting up all the live long day and apply that sloppy rock 'n troll Trux aesthetic to the music of Judy & The Dream of Horses, and you, my friend, have some great fucking music. The two vocalizers on here are charmingly rough around the edges, but it all works. These folks are concerned with being long-hairs and smoking their minds up into the cosmos, and sometimes that results in some massively outward flowing shit, all psychedelic like. Wilco, this is not. The Magnolia Electric Co., this is ALSO not. Hell, I'm sick of that shit! Molina has been doing the same crap over and over. It was awesome the first time. Now it's just so TAME and played-out... give me MV & EE any day of the week. They have balls. And a vagina.

Rating: Fucking great record. Seriously, one of the best things you could possibly put in your ears this year. These fuckers have it. Beautiful production. Killer tunes. The will to make music that's exciting and inviting. Maybe you're annoyed with all the bearded forest dwellers of "indie" these days. As you should be. But Beck's Midnite Vultures and his lovely wife Ekkehard Ehlers are doing something that comes across as very genuine and fun. What's that totally kickass Unwound chord change in "Susquehanna"? And the guy just said, "This one's for Mike Watt" in "Coaled Out." Son of a martyr! Son of a father! You can look inside you? You can look inside ME!

HEY!!!! BUY THIS ALBUM!!!!!!!! I'm listening to "Pardon My Heart" from Zuma. MV is to Neil Young as Neil Patrick "Julie" Haggerty is to McJagger? I'd say so, yeah. Listen to this album, you will understand.

Song: "Mama My"... one of the best things you'll hear all year!

Girls Aloud - Tangled Up

Two days ago, I decided to spend my morning listening to the latest Kylie Minogue album X. Her Fever is a classic, one of the finest pop albums of this fine, fine decade of musical fucktones. Unfortunately, listening to X, I found that the album sounded fucking awful and that the whole thing was just really boring and I know that you're not supposed to say that after JUST ONE LISTEN, but nevertheless, it sucked my ballsac and despite my great appreciation for such a deed, I immediately deleted the album from my computer.

Today, I had the same experience with this album by Girls Aloud. I have been meaning to pick up some of their other records for some time now, but I figured that I might enjoy this one as part of my year-end album listening bonanza. And like the Kylie, it was horribly produced and nothing grabbed me at all and it just sounded like generic girly dance-pop or whatever. And I like the Rihanna album. And I LOVE Rachel Stevens. This was just unlistenably horrible. I'm listening to "Some Girls" from Rachel Stevens's Come & Get It and it's so fucking good. The hooks and melodies and all that just stick out and jab at your peen and it's awesome, shit. Luckily, I deleted the shitty Girls Aloud album from my computer and now I can continue throughout my day listening to these Kevin Drumm cassettes I leeched from some Hipinion YSI thread.

Rating: The cover looks like some horrible budget compilation of wedding music that you'd buy at Nordstrom or some shit. Fuck this album.

Song: Crispin Glover - "Clowny Clown Clown"

Burial - Untrue

Hi, I'm updating this right now. What's up.

Everybody loves this album. I also love this album. It is an electronic music album. There are beatz and loopz and bleepz and bloopz. There are vocal samples. They are occasionally very hooky. It is moody music. That mood is an ominous one of darkness and sushi.

I don't have anything to say about this album. I'm sure that there are a million albums that sound similar to this one, but I have no idea as to why this one might tower above any of them. Maybe because I haven't heard enough shitty "electronica" records to compare it to? Last year, I was really digging Villalobos's Achsco and I honestly had nothing to say about it except for "he makes cool noises."

Every blog is talking about this album! Now this one is, too! FUX YEEEEEEAH.

Rating: Great fucking album. The cover reminded me of Gorillaz at first.

Song: "Archangel"

Happy Halloween, you cunts!

-Solid Little Rock Jams

Radiohead- In Rainbows

Considering I haven't written a review in a long time, it seems like the least essential album for me to review right now would be In Rainbows by Radiohead.

First of all, everyone can get this album for free. Fans and non-fans alike can download the album and give their two cents without any sort of sacrifice besides having to pay for bandwidth and whatever minimal time is lost on the download. Even though most music collections these days are anywhere from 50-75% pirated, the record review is still important because people still buy music. And technically, since you can give Radiohead money for their album, this review has some sort of worth, but due to the CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE quality of this transaction, one could very easily retroactively pay the band. What I'm trying to get at here, is that the music reviewer is finally gone as the first wave of the analytical process. Purchasing music for the most part is a zero sum decision, so if a critic recommends something and you don't like it, you can simply chalk it up to having dissimilar tastes and be more wary on your next purchase. With the new Radiohead album, it's very possible that MINE or someone's review might affect however much you decide to give to them, and WELL, I feel absolved of feeling any responsibility if you choose to give more money to Radiohead based off of any review and then feel disappointed.

So I guess what I'm driving at is, a) will positive reviews inspire you to pay more for In Rainbows, and b) does the review even matter at all, considering the most important THING for a review to do is simply introduce you to a new band/genre that you might not have heard about. And since everyone and their goddamn rabbis have heard of THESE DUDES, then well, isn't this simply the best excuse for masturbatory prose since the bodice ripper?

One assumption I'll be making during this review is that I don't really care if the live versions were better or other blah blah blah of that nature. YEAH, MAN, BODYSNATCHES WAS SO MUCH MORE ROCKING LIVE, AND SO WAS RECKONER, HOLY SHIT I'M THE MUSICAL EQUIVALENT OF 2chicks1cup.com! Just in case you haven't been there before, I'm trying to make topical scat jokes because frankly this wouldn't be an online review if I weren't making some terrible allusion to whatever Rick Roll'd or other memes are flying around. Hahah, this video's great because it's so cheesy and this guy takes himself totally serious! I can't fucking wait for my goddamn children to link me to Larger Than Life by the Backstreet Boys through their 10 year old facebook accounts and go “LOL, DEY ARE A BOY BAND ON A SPACESHIP WUT WERE DEY THINKIN?!?!” Suicide will be imminent at that point.

That being said, the new Radiohead album is a gorgeously produced, focused piece of work. Of course it's not revolutionary, it doesn't have to be. Even though Radiohead has been at the forefront of innovation for a while now, there's nothing wrong with them going back and polishing all the little things they are great at to put out a truly outstanding album. What's so inconceivably brilliant about Radiohead is that most bands will never produce a song as great as any of the songs on In Rainbows, and yet some people might complain about it not living up to expectations or some other retarded rubbish.

Every single song on here is extremely polished. The album is a bit curt in a few ways, but I'd rather have a shorter album with more quality then say, Hail to the Thief. The latter was an amazing album, but it definitely had some fat that could have been cut, whereas In Rainbows is non-stop quality, minus the enigmatic Videotape that while functions as a good ender, is somewhat lackluster.

15 Step is a bombastic, electro-percussive racket. The band certainly hasn't ended where they went wrong as they use all sorts of dub entrances for various melodies and instruments. The most energetic song on the album, Bodysnatchers, ends with Yorke's frantic wailing of “They see me coming!” as he yelps and gyrates against his microphone stand. Live artifact Nude is on the album, and while this track is fabled to be one of Radiohead's most immaculate tracks, the song itself I can only imagine, exists as a replication of the live version. Much in the same vein as an artist might take a photograph of a painting before destroying it (Much like Syd Barret used to do with his art), the new Nude sounds pure and despondent, but still remains as some sort of echo of the previous versions, which one might guess as being absolutely breathtaking. It's hard to nail down which songs exist as the group's opus, as each song seems to have been given the same amount of craftsmanship and attention to mood. Weird Fishes/ Arpeggi gets my vote as most beautiful, as the texture of shimmering guitar arpeggios sink underneath aqueous bass and vocals. The way Thom Yorke harmonizes with himself throughout the song is breathtaking, evoking the beautiful vocal work of some of their older songs such as High and Dry, but this time without any sort of whiny brit-pop frame. Reckoner and Jigsaw Falling Into Place are equally excellent, each existing as powerful mood pieces, each with no obvious hooks but tons of harmony and instrumental interplay. Even though most of these songs exist in some way or another in other Radiohead songs, the sheer amount of creativity and musical “magic” the band manages to work into the songs is staggering. Even when the band rips off R.E.M. With songs like House of Cards, the work is distinctly their own.

My only complaint with the album is the total over-reliance on strings, that while may not be something Radiohead has ever used as a crutch in the past, certainly comes up during most of these songs. Faust ARP, while a good Beatles ape (Ringo Starr's wife), has excessively fromagey string lines float in on balloons of self-importance halfway through the song. All I Need, while an extremely haunting ballad, again suffers from the Spector of presumptious strings. While they definitely are a change from some of the techniques the band uses in songs like 15 Step, where electronic flutterings fill in the gaps, in this age of The Arcade Fire and various other string supergroups, they sound rather uninspired.

By the time the album ends, it's just unbelievable how strong Radiohead still are. Instead of choosing to be innovative giants, they step through another door and become masters of mood and texture once again. God, I'm listening to the album right now for the 50^th time and I swear to God, there is nothing more mesmerizing and haunting then Thom Yorke's voice wafting through the air at the end of Reckoner. If you want to pay a nominal rate for good music, then look no further, because your chance is here. Radiohead deserves the money, if you'll spend it. Was there really any doubt?

Rating: Double D's (Awesome, perky ones)

Download: Eeets a sahprize!