Vampire Weekend- Vampire Weekend
You'll have to excuse me if recent events have COLORED my tone at all, but I just found out that GODSPEED YOU! BLACK EMPEROR probably won't reunite when I am still young enough to follow them around the world like a dead-head (Or even ever, forever ever, forever ever ever). It's not just that GY!BE is my favorite band, it's just that when you place such a premium on certain artistically integral bands still having a relevant message, as well as having UNRELEASED MUSIC that sounds fucking awesome, AND THEN THEY DECIDE TO QUIT. Well, that really gets stuck in my craw!
Anyways, I'm going to review Vampire Weekend^2 right now. As usual, it's hard for me to OBJECTIVELY ENJOY this critically acclaimed band because let's face it, I have a jello spine and I spend most of my life looking for something to bitch about. And of course, THIS VAMPIRE WEEKEND SHINDIG just you know, was a typical pitchfork et music community overhype. I mean, I can't even begin to agree with a score of a high eight when after listening to this album, I don't hear anything succintly powerful enough to make me miss the record if Satan in his unrelenting torment decided to strike this album from my (Itunes) library. This update is sponsored by GEEKY PROPAGANDA. Also, I got mistaken for the Apple guy the other night (who I guess gets mistaken for Keanu Reeves, whom I unfortunately get a lot. *camera zooms off of bare ass*) I could just be in full on misanthropy mode right now.
The unfortunate thing is that I have a history of getting a lot of over-hyped bands really, really wrong! Wrong in that I could have been enjoying these bands for a long time before I initially started to dig them. I don't think this band will necessarily stand the test of time; however, so HISTORY MAY VINDICATE ME. While everyone was ejerkulating all over the Strokes, I was huffing and puffing about how boring they sounded, say in comparison to, hmm, I don't know, AT THE DRIVE-IN (kisses). I guess one might say in a condescendingly nasally voice “You just were at a different point at your life, sonny!” I am just not a very good conductor for the TEEN HEAT that makes you feel like you're smack dab in the middle of some fucking awesome band coming out of nowhere and ENGULFING YOU in some neo-(garage?)jangly movement. I got the White Stripes wrong, too! In fact, what I did in what may have been an act of misguided rebellion, is reject all those bands in favor of THE VINES' debut. I just wanted to get free of all the hype! Too bad The Vines are shit now and The Strokes and White Stripes are fantastic groups of musicians and non-musicians (Alfred Hammond-Hammond, I'm looking at you!)
Sometimes in High School, I'd say, “The Beatles are way overrated!” just to annoy people. I also was never taught proper punctuation so I get nervous whenever I type inside of quotations and just end with an exclamation point. Tangentialism aside, now I think that it's the opposite, that the Beatles are underrated. So if you ever want to hate on me for not liking THE ARCADE FIRE or THE NEW PORNOS or THE END OF BELA LUGOSI'S WEEK, then cool, I've given you a lot of ammunition.
But, please, spare me the slings and arrows of outrageous fortunes.
Mostly, I liked the beginning of Vampire Weekend! It was kind of blithe and fantastical, like a bunch of Kevin Barnes were playing every instrument and found someone who knew how to record Of Montreal. I'm looking over the notes I wrote on my hand, and I guess I have no idea why people throw the afro-drum thing around. I'm sure if you were discussing Vampire Weekend with your best black friend Mutombo Africa, and you brought up that the drums sounded African, he'd probably throw a rock-butted spear through you. Oh, this isn't Nascar's Greatest Country Hits the music blog? My apologies.
Rednecks are stupid.
The first two songs don't wear thin on me at all! The vocal harmonies and the way Vampire Weekend builds up sections by having dynamic melodies throughout the songs are wonderful. Wait, the second song started already? Fuck, okay, alright I'm on the fourth song and I thought we were still on the second song (He said Oxford Comma and then all of a sudden I was two more tracks down!). Hey, the vocal stuff is still similar, but it's good! I don't know if I'd want anyone to hear me listening to this, though. The background music sounds so delicate that it would be perfect for an easily upsettable 18th century French king. He probably has Crohns so anything half as loud as a musket shot would disturb his porcelain rectum. He would hear the fluttering violins (Hah, a critical cliché if I've ever written one!) and exclaim to himself, “Bon, cette musique ici, ca ne fait pas mal aux mes intestins!” Anyways, I couldn't imagine playing this at a party, and if I had people in my room and I played this, they'd probably call me gay. Since all my friends are gay or are still in the closet, it would mean that there is some sub-level of pejorative context to the word gay that transcends all manner of irony and bigotry. Vampire Weekend is the indie equivalent of the much derided, yet often sought after music genre known as “Easy Listening,” and by all means I'd probably listen to this album again. Also, the lyrics are supposed to be whimsical and irreverent but as I'm deaf like Beethoven, I usually just pretend that every song is a rip-off of John Lennon's “Imagine.” Hah, a period!
I don't know if this affects your portrayal of my review, but I was jerking off during half of the album instead of paying as close attention as I should have been. I'm going to be spending Valentine's Day alone. Will you?
Rating: I don't know, like half as good as a Broken Social Scene album? (Pick any Broken Social Scene album)