Solid Little Rock Jams

The Rolling Stones- Some Girls

I realize that a lot of my REVIEWS are horrendously written pieces of shit. It's because I write a lot of reviews while I am drunk or hungover (That's when I seem to care about getting my thoughts on e-paper; when I am afraid that I will lose my ability to think them!) Yes, I am an alcoholic, but you shouldn't worry, because once I start hitting my stride, all of my reviews will be ten page long ramblings about electro-shock therapy and how gay Orson Welles (A fucking huge piece of shit) is. Ending a sentence with "is," is like talking to your mom and then ending the conversation with "I'm going to go fingerbang my fifteen year old girlfriend who is into The Clash." If you guessed that the relation between those two thoughts is "bad fucking idea," then congratulations, you gradute to the next paragraph!

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I just realized that there may be several legal implications to this review. Funny, because Mick Jagger can get away with singing:

White girls are pretty funny

Sometimes they just drive me mad

Black girls just want to get fucked all night

I just don't have that much jam.

and no one has arrested Mick Jagger for not aborting his children, whose brains were probably riddled with cocaine, which probably he force-fed his wife. Anyways, I think that last line is about Mick Jagger being sad that he lost his jungle fever, so he goes to New York to see if he can find Paul Weller to help him double team some black chicks. Anyways, today's review is Some Girls by The Rolling Stones. I realize no one has reviewed anything in a while, but in all honesty, I've been preparing my soul for the travesty that is "Neon Bible" by the Arcade Fire, so please bear with me. Imagine if you dressed up like a bear and then came to hang out with me! And then I could bring out a movie slate with garbled and incoherent German all over it and then say "Action!" and you could eat Win Butler. The joke here is that Werner Herzog is probably an insane pedophile.

God, this album is really fucking good, and is probably one of the Rolling Stones best albums. "Miss You" is just this fucking awesome disco song that shouldn't be confused with TRS (Shorthand, shortdick) song called "DOO DOO DOO DOO DEE DOO DOO." Then "When the Whip Comes Down" is this fucking balls out pop rocker and you just know Keith Richards is slapping his dick against his guitar in some moment of heroin induced irony. This album has "Beast of Burden," which was a Magic Card about the SILVER GOLEM KARN, and had something to do with its power and toughness equalling the amount of artifacts in play. Somehow knowing that fact hasn't prevented me from getting a lot of sex, but not with Werner Herzog you fucking sicko fucks! I also think that Beast of Burden (the song) is very popular with lesbians, but I couldn't tell you why. The Rolling Stones end the album with another one of their fucking greatest hits of all time, motherfucking "Shattered." If you can't WRAP your head around such shamefully eunuch-centric lyrics like, "Laughter / Joy/ and lonelines / and sex and sex and SEX AND SEX," while the rest of the band (Uh, a bunch of spinning rocks) goes all "bwop a dop a dwop dop'" then you're probably one of those queers who only likes late sixties Rolling Stones, and you're gay.

If you're a nerd like me who can't relate to some of the left-ventricle raping melodies of the Beatles but also doesen't like the fake, artsy-fartsy bravado of shit like "Sympathy for the Devil," then you'll love this stuff. Also, God is gay.

Rating: I rate this album, I rate it good.

Download: The Rolling Stones- Miss You