Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Corrupted - El Mundo Frio
Having kind of a rough night over here. The other day I thought about what it would be like to finally shove a gun down my fucking throat and show the world how much it has ruined me and for maybe the first time ever it didn't seem a completely unfathomable action. Now I'm realizing more than ever that I'm incapable of following any sort of plan that I set out for myself in accordance with how positive I know the outcome will be. Every day feels like I've fallen further, whatever ability I had to prioritize and learn from my mistakes as a pre-teen disintegrating into what will eventually be a vast nothingness, an empty world of tattered relationships and hopeless ambitions that I won't even be able to cull joy from merely thinking about fulfilling, as I barely do now.
I'm so tired and miserable. I seek little else other than some path towards self-improvement, to live in a way that lets me be self-involved enough as to not eat up the resources of others when they would prefer that I didn't, to not suppress or deny prevalent human emotions but to also not forget about the good things that are always there or react to persons in ways that are not true to my self and what I truly believe to be a reflection of the worldview that I have built up through my 19 years as a tortured social retard. And perhaps ultimately I will come out of this the most victorious. But that day has not yet arrived, no fucking way, and my simple efforts to act in the most broadly rewarding manner have been met with confusion and even disgust from the people I'm not even sure I can comfortably call my peers.
I wish people would work on finding their own ways of conquering their inescapably human tendencies before turning to drugs to do it for them. I wish that persons who respected me would realize that they can't show me this by doing everything in their power to destroy the most valuable relationship in my life. I wish I could feel panic the most during the stages when prevention is actually a viable option. I wish that having an admirable grasp on one's "self-awareness" was more than some meaningless bullshit concept that no young person can ever give any thought to and still remain in a blissfully ignorant state or anything other than that exact thing with the "blissful" part replaced by insecurity of the most visibly horrifying nature. I wish I could discover some objective measure of how much more alone I may or may not be than everybody else. I wish that I could look back on every day's worth of accomplishments as I would an entire month's so that I can actually for once get caught up in the moments that I deserve to feel halfway decent about as they're still here to be lived through.
I wish every night wasn't like this.
Rating: It's like if Red House Painters were a bunch of filthy Mexicans! Can't believe anybody takes "metal" seriously, wow. BOOOOOOR-ING.
Download Link: Crystal Castles - "Courtship Dating" http://www.mediafire.com/?9tm4vnq1a91