Electric Light Orchestra - Eldorado

Hey, folks, happy Halloween! And what better way to celebrate such a day as this one than by reviewing an album by the Electric Light Orchestra, something that I intend to do right now, in fact.

Calling this album a "prog" album is somewhat debatable, really. It's really just a bunch of Beatlesesque pop music. The thing is that it's a bunch of Beatlesque pop music in 1974 with a 30 piece orchestra and some big, awesome synths, and the songs are bookended by a couple little things called "Eldorado Overture" and "Eldorado Finale," and "Boy Blue" and "Nobody's Child" both have the same stupid horn fanfare intro, so it must be a concept album or something. This album is just ridiculously ambitious, as so much awesome music from the first half of the 70s generally is. I guess that's why this sometimes gets lumped in with "prog-rock." That and the big, awesome synths that jump out at you every now and then.

You know how Jeff Lynne is the main guy in this band? You know how Jeff Lynne basically sucked George Harrison's cock until the day that he died? Well, that all makes perfect sense when listening to the songs on here. They're Beatlesesque, sure, but they really just sound like a bunch of George Harrison songs. I mean, like solo George Harrison. That's right, this is the real fucking deal.

Violins! Cellos! Horns! Piano! This shit is total orchestral pop like Sgt. Pepper's, but even more over-the-top because this is 1974 we're talking about. These songs are just so grand-sounding! After the dumb intro with the movie sample and the orchestral overture, "Can't Get It Out of My Head" comes on, and the melody just makes your goddamned heart melt, and you can't get the song out of your head (lol). I LOVE THIS SONG. I love the way the bombastic "overture" segues into the piano part at the beginning of this song. The violins are all loud-like, and then they get super quiet, and you just hear those totally beautiful piano chords, and then Jeff Lynne starts singing, and it doesn't suck at all. This shit is bombastic in an achingly beautiful, melodic sort of way. I love the little synth doodles in this song, too. It's an "FM classic," I guess. Great.

"Poor Boy (The Greenwood)" starts out sounding a lot like Bob Dylan because lots of people like him or something. You know, it's funny because on most of this album I can't understand what the hell Jeff Lynne is actually singing. It's either his tone, or the way he recorded the vocals, or something...I don't know. It's weird. I should be able to understand what you're singing, Jeff. You dick. SHIT, I'M LISTENING TO "MISTER KINGDOM" FROM THIS ALBUM RIGHT NOW, AND NO ONE EVER COULD HAVE WRITTEN THIS SONG WITHOUT FIRST HEARING "ACROSS THE UNIVERSE," WHAT THE HELL. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD THE BEATLES, SERIOUSLY. WOW.

Rating: If this album were (was?) made today, it would probably receive endless amounts of acclaim from "indie rockers" because they love melodramatic orchestral crap like Sufjan Stevens and M. Ward (both of whom aren't nearly as terrible as I just made them sound, honestly.) The indie kids seriously need to put down the 70s Eno albums, and get some fucking ELO. This shit is for real, seriously. I give it any number of stars.

Song: "Laredo Tornado"

Gentle Giant - Octopus

I'm going to let you in on a little secret about the Solid Little Rock Jams review blog, and that is that we just kind of review whatever we feel like reviewing, or whatever we happen to be listening to at a certain point. This blog is not meant to provide comprehensive overviews of artists' entire catalogues, nor is it meant to keep track of recent music. No, this is a BLOG, and when you have a blog, you just sort of chronicle your day to day life, and jot down whatever thoughts happen to be swarming around in your noggin on any given day.

That's why the majority of my reviews will be positive and full of hardcore deep dicking. I review what I happen to be listening to, and let me tell you, a good 85% of the albums that I listen to are ones that I enjoy immensely. I, for one, prefer not to waste my time with albums that I do not enjoy listening to. Too often, I will encounter an album that does not necessarily please me to no end. These albums can suck my dick, and I will demand that they do so when I review them negatively.

All that said, this album kicks ass. I heard it for the first time last Thursday, and since then, I have listened to very little else. Have you ever heard of Gentle Giant? Maybe you haven't! See, 70s prog-rock spawned several extremely successful mega-superstar-bands, and I'm sure you've heard of all of them. Genesis, Jethro Tull, ELP, Yes, Rush, all that shit. Then there's King Crimson, who was never as successful as the previously mentioned bands, but still maintains a hardcore following of dorky, glasses-wearing males TO THIS DAY.

Gentle Giant, on the other hand, had trouble getting their albums released in America way back when, so they were never particularly successful over here in the USA. Maybe they were big in the UK. I honestly have no idea. Point is that even after 35 years or something, they remain relatively obscure, beknownst only to the most hardcore prog fans (or me, or any number of people who aren't necessarily "hardcore prog fans.")

This is simply a crime against humanity. It's not like this stuff is hard to listen to at all. Octopus is accessible as shit! This is pop music, goddamnit. Of course, it's extremely unconventional, idiosyncratic pop music. After all, this is generally classified as "prog-rock," despite the fact that only one of these eight songs stretches past the five-minute mark. All five guys in this band play about fifty different instruments, and all 250 of these instruments are featured on this album. These fellas are all quite obviously "classically trained," and you can tell by listening to these songs, a couple of which contain multiple vocal parts that are complex to the point of resembling crazy Bach-style counterpoint.

That's another cool thing about this album. Unlike Keith Emerson, Gentle Giant does not use its love of classical music as an excuse to shred and be shitty. These brosephs actually manage to combine classical music with rock (as well as folk, jazz, etc.) in ways that actually benefit their songs, and make them so flippin' INTERESTING to listen to. These songs are simply overflowing with awesome, somewhat-medieval melodies and totally kickass rhythm/time signature fuckage, as well as some occasional bursts of keyboard shredding for good measure.

In conclusion, please enjoy this picture of Gentle Giant drummer John Weathers.

Rating: Really, really high! I can't stop listening to this album. I just constantly feel the need to go back and experience the vast number of good ideas contained on this excellent piece of albumry. This shit is just so bizarre and exciting! You'll love it!

Song: "The Advent of Panurge"...this is the first song on the album! It's awesome! Shit!

Dream Theater- Images and Words

Unzip your pants and pull out your Peter

Right now I'm going to review Dream Theater

Some people say prodigious playing is absurd

I think it was under control on Images and Words

Pull Me Under sounds like Lars' Ulrich's band

The solo gets me very wet in my small gland

At least this album has Taking the Time

Another Day is an operation mind crime

Mike Portnoy is good but I think he's not the best

His bass drum sounds cheap and heavy like a hooker's chest

You know what's good, Metropolis and Under a Glass Moon

And then at Waiting for Sleep you know that it'll end soon

Overall I think this album's good if you like to rock

But playing it won't get you any pussy for your cock

I guess I can't stop without mentioning Learning to Live

But by the end of the album I don't have much attention to give

It's still pretty awesome and this album has some thrills

There's no doubt about it, The Mars Volta kills

Rating: Two thumbs up

Download: Dream Theater - Under a Glass Moon

The Mars Volta- Deloused in the Comatorium

This review will be guest-written by three people knowledgeable on the Mars Volta:

























As you can see, there are many different trains of thought on the Mars Volta. Please comment with your incredibly valid and thoughtful take on them in our comments section! Thanks, Roger Daltree

Rating: 5 stars
Song: The Mars Volta - Drunkship of Lanterns

The Melvins - Lysol

I listened to this album a week ago while I was doing my History homework. Lemme tell you something, the bass on this sucker is REALLY FUCKING LOUD AND PROUD. My floor was shaking, damnit. Now, I know that these is the Melvins that we are talking about, and such an occurrence is expected when one listens to a Melvins album, but seriously, the bass is just really, really powerful on here. Moreso than it usually might be. How would one explain such an ordeal?

Well, once upon a time, the Melvins made a full length LP with one Mr. Joe Preston in the band. This is that full length LP. Joe Preston was in the band Earth for a while. A few years ago, he joined the band High On Fire for a relatively short period of time. He also played on a few Sunn 0))) records. In fact, he introduced Sunn 0))) to Boris, and both of those bands have a collaboration album called Altar that is undoubtedly one of the best albums of the year even though I haven't heard a note of it, and you should buy me a copy when it comes out Tuesday.

The point is that Joe Preston is a big, loud, doomy, droney metal drone guy. Joe Preston also plays bass on Lysol. That is why Lysol is the heaviest, most drone-tastic Melvins album ever. The first three minutes or so are just total slow droney doom shit like Earth, and then Dale Crover starts beating his kick drum and crash cymbal every once in a while, and there are some mystical, wordless vocals, and eventually Dale really comes in with those drums, and it's FUCKING BRUTAL. The Melvins have always been heavy, but at no point in their career have they sounded this downright FURIOUS. ABRASIVE, even.

This album is one 30 minute track, and maybe 2/3 of it is just totally pulverizing doom metal (but not the sissyish kind that you're used to hearing from Pelican or Isis or whomever), and then for the last 1/3, they play some covers, and they're a lot less scary, but they're awesome anyway. This is the Melvins album for pissed-off noise/metal/free jazz/no wave-type music listeners. Bullhead, also, but some sissy girl plays bass on that one, so it's a lot gayer.

Rating: I don't know, 9.1? Fuck ratings up the anal!

Song: "A History of Bad Men"...a song off the new Melvins album (A) Senile Animal! It's fucking awesome!!! Purchase it often!!!

HEY, SORRY THERE WAS NO UPDATE YESTERDAY. BLOGGER WAS DOWN OR SOMETHING AND WE COULDN'T UPDATE. HERE IS AN UPDATE TODAY. ALSO, CHECK OUT THAT MAGNOLIA ELECTRIC CO. COVER BECAUSE THERE'S A NAKED BROAD PROBABLY FINGERING HER VAGINA, AND IT'S FUCKIN' HOT, DAD!


Akron/Family - Meek Warrior

Jesus christ, do I enjoy Akron/Family's two 2005 releases. See, I have this friend Kate who I sat next to in geometry last year, and I would always complain to her about how I hate Devendra Banhart and all that smelly, bearded hippy shit that the kids seem to dig these days. So she seemed pretty convinced that I would absolutely hate Akron/Family's 2005 debut. She gave me a copy, I listened to it, and I just thought, "Eh? I should hate this, but it's just so sonically interesting! And the melodies are pleasing as shit. Gee, these guys are just really good at making music together."

Then I heard their Split LP with Angels of Light, and that ruled, too. And it rocked really fucking hard. I was pretty convinced that they were one of the two or three best bands in the world, so when I heard that they had a new album, I got really psyched! At first, I was like, "Yeah, it will be totally amazing, obviously. These fellas are at the top of their game." Then I started hearing people who loved the first record saying things about how Meek Warrior is a major dissapointment, and I started to worry. Had they grown too confident? Were they really just randomly throwing ideas at a wall? It didn't help that the running time on the album was a mere 35:00 (compared with the first record, which was an hour long), and that the lyrics sheet presented songs that consisted of maybe two lines repeated over and over.

Well, guess what? I love this record! It might not have as much "emotional depth" as their last one, and it might be pointlessly all over the place in some spots, but I don't give a shit. I'm a fan! As evidenced by how I feel about their still infantile discography as of October 25th, 2006, I think anything these guys do is genius. Sorry! Until Michael Gira suddenly comes out and says, "You know, these guys have jumped the shark," these guys have my support all the way.

So, what does the album sound like? This album sounds like a bunch of bearded twentysomethings getting together to make "mind-expanding sounds." The first song is 10 minutes long and starts off really noisy, and then there's some chanting, and then some balls out RAWK for the masses to enjoy, and then some other stuff. It's a total fucking mess! Gee. This album also has some folky shit here and there. The last song is a gospel hymn or some shit! Wow! One of these songs is in a different language. I can't tell if it's French or not. Who cares? I'm glad I only paid $9.99 for a new copy of this. Pretty good deal.

Rating: If you became an Akron/Family super-fan thanks to both of their 2005 releases, then you should get this album. You might like it a lot. Even if this album sucks, it's still less boring than Animal Collective, seriously. I give it a 90125! How about 9012Live: The Solos? Oh, yeah? How about Tormato? Such a question has troubled man since the dawn of time.

Song: "Gone Beyond"...I don't know if this is one of the better songs on here. I like it, but there's only three words in the whole song, and it's probably not the best track to play for someone if you want them to buy the album. Argh. I'm too lazy to upload anything myself, so you get these links to the record label's site, you vagina beast, you.

LCD Soundsystem - Original Run

Sorry, I can't think of a good pun for this one.

LCD Soundsystem is a project run by James Murphy. WHO IS NOT RELATED TO POPULAR FICTIONAL CHARACTER, Murphy Brown. He likes to make "disco punk" albums that remarkably sound very similar to Phish or say, Belle & Sebastian.

Anyway, this time around, the soulless presidents of Nike commissioned Mr. Murphy to do a song for Nike for some reason. Maybe so they could turn the song into a GIANT LASER and destroy incoming asteroids with it. Indeed, most of the lyrics deal with asteroids and global warming. Nike cares greatly for our planet and it's people.

The track is a multi-part movement and is actually longer than a Van Halen album, it's almost as long as two Van Halen albums actually, it doesn't sound like Van Halen at all though. it's electronic, the beat is funky fresh and the rhymes are fat. I dig the hell out of it. It's got a bunch of cool parts and for such a long song it hardly ever loses it's appeal. It's not as dancy as you might think it to be, but it's still plenty cool. Maybe because it is "intelligent dance music" or part of the IDM genre, and i do not have the cranial capacity of knowing just how to dance to it because I go to community college and think that the new My Chemical Romance album is pretty great.

Rating: Have you seen the asian broad in LCD's touring band? Now she's a hot slut i'd love to bork!

Song: Here's the whole fucking thing!

Magnolia Electric Co. - Fading Trails

Jason Molina is one prolific motherfucker. I mean, between 1997 and 2003, he released a whopping NINE studio albums under the Songs: Ohia moniker, in addition to a live album, some EPs, and maybe something else that we don't know about because the guy in the record store put it behind a bunch of Nerf Herder albums where no one will ever find it.

Back in 2003, Molina released The Magnolia Electric Co., simultaneously killing the Songs: Ohia project, and ushering in a new day where he and his band would just play awesome Crazy Horse-style country rock because it's a damn good thing to do. Since then, we have seen Molina release a solo album, a live album with the MEC, a studio album with the MEC, maybe a few EPs here and there, and now, in this year 2006, we have yet another Molina solo album AND this record, Fading Trails, which rules. I will discuss it at greater length in the paragraph after the next one.

For all its attributes, Molina's official debut with the Magnolia Electric Co. (band) What Comes After The Blues sort of came off as The Magnolia Electric Co. (album)-lite. Magnolia was such a grand sort of record. There is simply no denying the power of epic beauty fests such as "Farewell Transmission" and "Hold On Magnolia." That shit just grabs hold of you and makes you go, "Well, shit, I'm really moved right now." Unless you're soulless and shitty, which you may very well be. What Comes After The Blues was extremely similar in sound to Magnolia, but it just didn't have the depth of its predecessor. The songs were decent, sure, but they just DIDN'T HAVE THE SAME EFFECT, I GUESS. I don't know. It seemed like he could have knocked those songs out in his sleep. Of course, the sleep of a genius produces much greater albums than the sleep of the common man. So it was good anyway, then. But he didn't develop his band's sound at all, really. Yeah, that's it. The fucker stepped sideways, he did.

And he more or less stayed there for this new record. But it sounds darker. A lot darker. The full-band rockers are a lot more kickass and confident sounding this time, and the sparser numbers are pretty damn lovely. It's shorter, too. I like these songs a lot more than on the last one. Better melodies, more memorable lyrics. You know, at this point in his carreer, Jason Molina seems pretty content with his ability to just shit out albums like this one, and sometimes they're alright, and sometimes they're a little bit better than alright. Fading Trails is an example of the latter. If you lost track of Molina back in 2002 or something and want a taste of what kind of stuff he's doing now, go get The Magnolia Electric Co. If you can't get enough of that album's rootsy, all-American fanfares for the common man, then pick this one the fuck up, seriously.

Rating: If you like Molina's voice and unibrow, you will like this album. Awesomely enough, this album might also appeal to folks who just enjoy good albums, as I do. All of these factors contribute to my enjoyment of this album. Find a torrent of it or something.

Song: Magnolia Electric Co. - "Montgomery"...awesome song. Check out that weird piano thing at the beginning! By the way, this is actually a Rancid album.

The Annuals - Be He Me

The Annuals are a blog band.

I'm going to be straight to the point here. This album is a piece of shit. I would rather gag on my scrotum then listen to it again. I would rather gargle my own urine and slurp up my own shit like a fucking turd milkshake.

All of the songs on here are boring, they are densely layered indie anthems atop bullshit vocals. All these little individuals melodies go nowhere, all the members are nazis and they all eat children. I read an article where the lead singer talked about how much he hated black people and that he had sex with Kurt Cobain before he died.

Look, I've got nothing else to say, strangle my throat with my own cock before I talk about listening to this album again.

I would rather have gophers gnaw at my testicles than listen again. Someone rip off their dicks and shove them down my throat!

I love the sights and smells of the things that come out of a girls butt!

Rating: I'm going to get the reputation of being the one who's reviews are too short.

Song: John Lennon - Working Class Hero

Emerson, Lake & Palmer - Brain Salad Surgery

Emerson, Lake & Palmer is commonly believed to be one of the three or four worst bands ever. Some folks might tell you that way back in the early 1970s, ELP was the antithesis of everything that true rock 'n' roll stood for. All three gentlemen were disgustingly talented musicians who played really, really, really, really fucking fast and complicated-like, attempted to combine rock with classical music, and put 30 minute songs on their albums. These same folks might also tell you that ELP's "pomposity," "bloatedness," "wankery," and "pretensiousness" are why punk rock bands like Screwdriver and Avril Lavigne were inspired to come along and show the kids of America that rock 'n' roll was really just about banging out three chord anthems to let the world know that you don't give a fuck.

The reason that ELP is such an easy target for "punk rock saved the world from the pretensiousness of prog-rock"-type people is because they overexhibited every trait associated with "prog-rock"...the dumb concepts, the pointless displays of technical proficiency, the side-long, multi-part epics. Because Keith Emerson was the biggest control freak in the band, and wanted nothing more than to play his organ (penis) as fast as humanly possible and as much as possible, ELP focused mainly on these things rather trying to actually write decent, memorable songs (something that Greg Lake was only somewhat capable of, anyway.) So that's the general verdict, then: while the members of ELP were obviously skilled musicians, they lacked the ability to create any sort of moving, poignant music because they were too concerned with showing off.

This would all be a huge problem for me if Brain Salad Surgery wasn't so damn fun to listen to! When music is as unecessarily complex and shredding-heavy as ELP's, it becomes more funny than genuinely impressive. That's why Dragonforce comes across as so comical. Besides, Keith Emerson is such a serious musician that he doesn't even realize how stupid so much of his music sounds! Listen to these synthesizer tones; they're hilarious! They all sound completely out of place! And he's using these totally wacky synthesizer tones to SHRED upon! It sounds like Mega Man music or something! Ha, ha! And his organ is a laugh riot! Besides having its head covered in lint and encrusted semen and 8 year old boys, it's also just extremely awkward when used as a lead instrument in a rock context. In church, it's cool. For playing endlessly sustained, hypnotic drones on...yeah, sure, the organ is great for that. For carnival music? Of course! Jazz? Why not. But ELP was not a jazz band. They tried to make quite a bit of music that actually rocked, and (much like when they attempted to interpret classical music, tried to write some actual songs, etc.) they failed miserably. When King Crimson played heavy music, they were able to actually make it sound somewhat menacing. When ELP attempt to get heavy (like on "Knife Edge"), they just sound like jackasses, and one of the main reasons is that fucking organ. A distorted organ just doesn't have the balls of a distorted guitar, and that's just the way it is.

Anyways, about this album. It starts off with "Jerusalem," which is an old English hymn or something, and it's a damn good hymn, so it makes for a damn good ELP song, I suppose. Whatever. Then there's "Tocatta," which is one of their famed "interpretations of a piece of classical music" that gets the kids all worked up. It's the only one on here like that, though, so it's pretty easy to take. Plus, it's filled with a million different parts or something. "Still...You Turn Me On" is the next song, and it's absolutely lovely. Greg Lake has a totally kickass voice, but about 90% of the time, he's singing absolutely shit songs, so you can't really tell. But this is a good one. It has that little bouncy wah-wah guitar in the chorus for no good reason whatsoever! Great song. "Benny The Bouncer" is on here to show you that these guys could actually be a lot of fun sometimes, but only when they're playing crap filler, which is what "Benny The Bouncer" is, despite the fact that it rules. Once again, the synthesizer part in this song is just hilarious. I know it's supposed to be a funny song, but I seriously doubt that Emerson had any idea just how fucking stupid it sounds. Goddamnit. The last song is "Karn Evil 9" and it's half an hour long! It starts out really great, proceeds to get even better, jams out for about ten years without totally boring me, and then suddenly turns into a weird sort of patriotic sounding hymn-type thing before ending with some totally crazy synthesizer speaker jumping that sounds pretty "trippy" if you listen to it on headphones. And then it's over!

Rating: This album rules! The really long song is almost not boring at all, and the one actual song on here is damn good. Who cares about the other songs. I give it an 11,000!

Song: "Karn Evil 9"...that's right; the whole thing! You deserve it!

Iron Maiden - Flowerslave

This album came out the same year that The Smith's debut came out, these albums pretty much sound the exact same. Dissonant drums, scratchy guitars, very subtle bass work and mournful crooning all over the motherfucker. The title track is incredibly dancy and faggots all over the world proclaim "2 Minutes To Midnight" to be their favorite power metal song about gay men climaxing in an asshole, as in "2 minutes nailing my partners anus is all it takes for me to blast my (midnight) cum into his ass." Don't believe me? Take a look at the gay cum-swapping lyrics.

the killer is breed of the demon seed / the clamor, the fortune, the pain

Anyway, all the songs are great. The band is in the top of it's game by 1984, and the entire line-up is the same one that did the definitely not-as-good Piece Of Mind album. "Aces High" remains a fist pumping scorcher some twenty years later. Bruce Dickinson is still wailing as loud and as hard as he can. OH YEAH, and there's none of that wussy ballad shit on here. This one will rock the dick out of your skull and boil your piss like a Foreigner concert.

Jennifer Lopez is their guitarist, and continues to slam power chord after power chord down your tummy, Tom Cruise is belting away at the drums like his kit is his only chance at salvation from the pits of hell. Their bassist is a eleven foot tall gorilla with a chip on his shoulder. Together these men and women create a perfect indie rock album that you can listen to with your girlfriend and/or significant other. None of the music on here is directly offensive, though some of the lyrics on "God is the anti-christ" may be too harsh and you may want to put the little ones to bed before this album comes on.

I once listened to this album while having sex with my dog.

Rating: PG: Some songs may prove innapropriate for people who aren't real men. If you don't like this album, grow a pair. Jesus.

Song: Here's a Paul McCartney song for some reason.

The Who- Quadrophenia

This album is the story of a boy. His name is Jimmy.

This album is the story of Jimmy and how he doesen't know if he's a mod or a punker. Most coming of age stories have boys who don't know if they're gay or straight, so I guess Jimmy has it pretty easy.

Jimmy rides around on a scooter with his mod friends. I guess you could say that he probably is gay then. You'd be wrong though. Jimmy was born with both sets of genitalia, and technically he had enough estrogen to be legally considered a girl. The doctor made him a boy though, because the doctor was actually gay and knew Jimmy was going to be hot when he grew up.

A lot of my friends ask me what a mod is, but I'm not really sure. I think it's short for commodo. It's kind of like a commando but you dress really sharply and steal people's clothes after you kill them, and you have to wear all the clothes of the people you kill. Highly respected mods look like Orson "Nine Courses" Welles. It's easy to kill a highly-respected mod by turning up the thermostat.

Rockers are the bad guys in this rock opera. I think it's because Pete Townsend was sold bad child porn by a rocker. He wanted young nubile boys naked with Hitler mustaches, but instead he got a magazine about goats. Child porn is legal in the UK, but you have to sell it with a paper bag over the front, so you don't always know what you're going to get. Child porn is a frustrating hobby.

The story ends with Jimmy fucking the ocean. Then he also gets the sky pregnant and when the sky gets pregnant clouds form, and then Jimmy's kids rained all over him, so he was sad.

This rock opera has music, also. I think the vocal harmony during The Spunk and the Goofather is the same as the one during the song about the PH unbalanced empress on Tommy (Also a Rock opera, except God made Tommy blind instead of gay.)

Rating: 7/10

Song: Here is the song Pathetic by Blink 182. I like it very much.

Weakling - Dead As Dreams

During my first few weeks of this school year, I received a shitload of math homework from my bald Belle & Sebastian loving math teacher. I was forced to stay up until all hours of the night attempting to complete these assignments. Because I knew I was in for the long haul, I would frequently throw on a nice, long black metal album. This was one of those albums.

The average American commonly associates black metal with big scary foreigners wearing Kiss makeup and eating each other's brains. Such is not the case with Weakling. Weakling hails from sunny San Francisco, and plays upbeat blues based jam rock in the tradition of popular Woodstock performer Burzum. This is their only album. Their shortest song is ten minutes long because they tend to stretch out and jam like any fine "acid rock 'n' roll" act of the day. Don't say you weren't warned! Haw, haw, haw!

We Americans simply cannot even begin to understand the workings and worldviews of peoples from nations so separated from ours as, say, Canada (where they hate Yo La Tengo because they're gay and gay people hate Yo La Tengo apparently, which is weird because they're all fugly Jewish people) or Norway. To them, I'm sure a lot of the crazy shit about black metal bands burning down churches and killing each other and what have you seems perfectly normal, and just a part of the music. It's probably cold in Canada, anyway. With frigidity comes a certain sense of melancholy, in addition to a healthy dosage of possibly infinite sadness. Their climate, in addition to their history of vikings and maple syrup chugging, has shaped their way of life, as American cheese and films such as "Hitch" have shaped ours here in the U.S. That is why Canadian black metal such as Immortal or the Unicorns can seem somewhat funny to us, whereas even a good-hearted, patriotic group of twee-thrash musicians like Slayer seems real and even genuinely sinister.

It is this differentiation between the types of evils feared by ladies and gentlemen from either sides of the pond that truly brings out the different things that I come away with when listening to either black metal from Europe, or black metal from my native home of Mexico. Mainly, black/negro metal from the Scandivanian area seems to generally have somewhat of a cool groove to it, whereas that from the United States seems to be more focused less on establishing "good time party grooves" and more on trying to make the listener feel like they are being taken on a tour of hell. Perhaps over in some foreign country, Enslaved is absolutely terrifying. I mean, those vocals are just so demonic and evil. But Enslaved doesn't scare me at all. Hell, they make me dance the fuck around! Shit makes me feel damn good inside.

Weakling, on the other hand, tap into my innermost fears as an American citizen. Why did I start this paragraph off like that. Fuck me, seriously. I'm not here to talk to you about gun control and Korea or some bullshit. Why don't you just listen to the album. You'll hear what I'm getting at. New paragraph.

Weakling made one album, and this is it. It sounds like they are playing as the earth crumbles around them. If you want to know what the apocalypse sounds like, listen to this album. It doesn't sound so much like "the end of music" as it does "the end of the world." The songs are really fucking long, and they needn't be any less long. They have titles like "This Entire Fucking Battlefield" and "Cut Their Grain and Place Fire Within." Unlike the last metal album released on Tumult that I reviewed, this record sounds fucking fantastic. I'm sure they spent at least a year shining this puppy to absolute perfection, which is what it is, really.

Rating: ¡Uno, dos, tres/catorce!

Song: Just buy the fucking album. I saw it in Reckless both times I went there this month, it might still be there. Also, pretty much all U.S. Black Metal sounds like this album, so just listen to a lot of that because it fucking slays.

And if you dig that shit, then be sure to check out some They Might Be Giants albums. "Nightgown of the Sullen Moon," anyone? YOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Beatles - Let It Pee

What is with me and listening to albums released in 1970 featuring Paul McCartney? It's interesting I guess.


The concept of this album was born when one day Paul McCartney was having sex with a bunch of gimps and cripples and decided he wanted to be a movie star, so he brought in a bunch of cameras and stuff and had people film the Beatles record an album. I don't see movies unless they're a nice set of naked tits or bare ass, so I haven't seen the movie yet. I hear it stars George C. Scott and the plot revolves(or should I say Revolver LOL ROFL) around George Harrison exploiting his skill with the sitar to make love to various ethnic women.


Let It Be is often regarded as the worst Beatles album ever put out because Phil Spector put in a bunch of strings on the album and because Ringo Starr didn't write any of the songs on it. Paul McCartney invented indie rock fashion by growing a beard for the album cover, before this album, no one had a beard in rock and roll. Also, Paul McCartney sounds like a black guy on this album, maybe it was to impress the black guy they brought in to do the keyboards on "Get Back" or whatever. Paul likes to get in touch with his negro brethren.

The song "Across The Universe" is fantastic and wasn't even written for this album,Tommy Stinson was probably stoned when he wrote it, it has been covered by many famous and well respected musicians such as Zwan and David Bowie. Beards equal sophistication, so Paul Westerberg writes some fancy songs. "Let It Be" is a song that should be used on a car commercial. It is boring as hell, but every time I watch some T.V. special, there's ol Paul, sporting a shit-eating grin and playing this song for the billionth time. Personally I think the progressive rock undertones of "Dig It" are way better, and as far as schmaltzy Paul ballads go, Long and Winding Road is clearly better, this song was la

I got bored of this paragraph, let's write a poem!

So while Paul McCartney is wailing the blues, John Lennon is taking his poos!

While George Harrison is drinking at the bar, five gay men are fucking Ringo Starr!

White George Martin is smelling his ass, Yoko Ono is passing gas!

Rating: This album is way better than Hootenanny or Sorry Ma, but The Replacements best work was still ahead of them.

Song: Everyones heard this album before, so here's the new Art Brut single

Art Brut - Nag Nag Nag Nag

Yo La Tengo - I Can Hear the Heart Beating as One

Allmusic describes this compact disc as “functioning as a virtual catalog of mid-'90s indie rock trends, I Can Hear the Heart Beating as One is an astonishing tour de force from Yo La Tengo, establishing their deep talents as songwriters and musicians.” Woah, what the shit? A tour de what from who establishing deep talents as songwriters AND musicians? Jesus fucking Christ ladies and gentleman, we have a band that is composed of both SONGWRITERS AND MUSICIANS AND THEY HAVE DEEP TALENTS. Listen everyone, I want you to throw every album you own out right now, because if Allmusic says that for once a band is composed of both SONGWRITERS AND MUSICIANS, with deep talents, what the hell have we been listened to during these past years when our balls have been dropping and our boobies being delivered from the fucking boobie stork, of course.

An astonishing tour de force? Half of these fucking songs don't go over 100 fucking beats per minute. A tour de force is Citizen Kane by Goddamn Orson “Lipo-suction came too late” Welles, or fucking even The White Album by The Beatles. Is this album a fucking Tour de Force because it has one fast song, a fucking Beach Boys cover that sounds like Ira Kaplan had his Valium over-prescribed? Is it a tour de force because Space Bebop melds kraut-rock with horn-rimmed glasses and sounds like a Trans-Am rip-off? HEY, I DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING REALIZE THERE WAS SINGING UNTIL THE THIRD SONG BECAUSE IT'S MIXED SO GODDAMN LOW. AT THIS POINT, I'D RATHER HAVE STEPHEN MALKMUS SHIT ON MY FUCKING FACE THEN TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHY IRA KAPLAN'S BAR MITZVAH SUCKED HARD ASS.

Anyways, this album has wonderful melodies and stuff. A melody is something you become very good at when you own a keyboard, a guitar with four strings, another band member who can sing, and you blatantly rip off Sonic Youth for your instrumentation. I don't want to be anymore pessimistic, but half of this shit sounds directly ripped off from Sonic Youth (Oh look, a lady singing over staticy chords, holy fucking shit, welcome to the Indie of the Nineties shitheads.)

Amazingly, their best Neil Young noise jamming, We're an American Band, kind of rules, and their bassist has all kinds of repetitive flying beach ball bass lines that you can solemnly weep too. I figure a lot of this music will show up in five years when some indie hero dies and Matador records decides to make a tribute video and cuts a few ends and just make this album the soundtrack while a bunch of ex-indie musicians turned retail shelf stockers go on and on about how to some people that guy was *Exorcist style projectile vomit* the only things keeping them going!

Oh wait, I almost forget, this album has a song Muse covered, Stockhold Syndrome! God, at least something positive came out of the slow songs of this album. Oh fuck, they aren't the same atjsngfkjfgljsbhglfdg.

This is a good album to play at your Belle and Sebastien fanclub meeting though.

Rating: 7 hearts beating as 2

Song: Television- Friction

Hatewave - Hatewave

Hi, this is a metal album. You can tell because the cover is all bloody and you can't read the band's name that's on the front. The average American likes to make a big deal out of the album's "controversial lyrics" and "shocking cover art" (there are pictures of African peoples with their faces smashed in on the back! Chim chim chiree!) But you can't actually understand the lyrics on the album (the lyrics sheet is somewhat entertaining I guess), and I'd rather not make a joke about that second part, considering the abundance of hate-mail we received from our African-American readership based on yesterday's McCartney review.

The awesome song titles ("Cock Vs. Cunt," "Slit The Catholic Throat," "Dani California") simply aren't enough to make me forget about the unfortunate fact that the music isn't much different from your everyday generic grindcore jizz, and the fact that everyday generic grindcore jizz is something that I happen to enjoy isn't enough to make me forget about how shitty this album sounds. The guitars are mixed way, way too low! Why are the drums louder than everything? That completely takes away from the technical impressiveness that we are supposed to absorb upon listening to this album. You're supposed to be able to hear how the instruments all lock up all nicely, and how everybody is counting in 14/23 time or whatever because they're geniuses. Instead, it just sounds rackety and shitty.

Also, there is no bass, so there's no bottom-end except in the awesome cookie monster vocals and in the brutal as hell (shit sounding) bass drum. The drummer on this album is a gentleman by the name of Weasel Walter (of Flying Luttenbachers/Lake of Dracula/Wilco fame)! He can play faster and heavier than most drum playing human beings, seriously. And these songs are really, really fucking fast! Like, ridiculously fast. I'm telling you, this album would completely live up to (The Misf)its legacy of brutality if it actually sounded somewhat kickass rather than NOT AT ALL. Worth my six dollars? Probably not. I feel cheated.

Rating: The CD has a hilarious cartoon drawing of a baby with a crucifix shoved between his asscheeks being peed on while saying, "Fuck you Jesus! Ha, ha!" I give it a 6 to 4, 25, or Terry Kath!

Also, regarding that McCartney cover...legend has it that the red liquid in that bowl is blood, and that those little red round objects are Paul's kidney stones! Major lolz!

Song: Albert Hammond Jr.'s Yours To Keep album

Paul McFartney - McFartney

I hope you guys get the awesome pun I made with McCartney's name up there. Yeah so this album was the first McCartney solo album besides some gay soundtrack he put together with George Martin or something during a coke binge or something. Basically this album shows that Paul McCartney circa 1970 had more of an ear for melody in his poo than most songwriters ever have in their lifetime. Seriously, insert a headphone jack into one of his turds and you probably hear all sorts of wonderful melodys and hooks coming out of it.

The problem with this album is that there's only like two songs on it, the rest are just McCartney noodling with his guitar like Eric Clapton! WTF!? Where are my fully crafted pop masterpieces like "Her Majesty" and "Smells Like Teen Spirit?" Paul even did the drums on this album. Paul can't drum that well, it just sounds like he savagely beats his drum kit with a rolling pin like how he savagely beats his wife.

None of the lyrics on this album are any good either, I didn't even pay attention to them, he's probably singing about Linda McCartney or his mom or something. I don't know, this album is alright. "Maybe I'm Amazed" is a great song. Most of the lyrics are like "LA DEE DA DE DAA" or "life's a bummer/ when you're a hummer."

I think this album is alright, what do you think?

Rating: This album is a solid 7/10. Actually it's not, it's more like a 123/248.

What's with the album cover and all? It looks like Paul was eating a bowl of spaghetti but ate all the noodles and just left the sauce and all the meatballs out, get it!? because he's a vegetarian!! Haha! Pretty clever cover really.

Song: John Lennon - Bang Bang Rock & Roll

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