Thursday, October 19, 2006

Yo La Tengo - I Can Hear the Heart Beating as One

Allmusic describes this compact disc as “functioning as a virtual catalog of mid-'90s indie rock trends, I Can Hear the Heart Beating as One is an astonishing tour de force from Yo La Tengo, establishing their deep talents as songwriters and musicians.” Woah, what the shit? A tour de what from who establishing deep talents as songwriters AND musicians? Jesus fucking Christ ladies and gentleman, we have a band that is composed of both SONGWRITERS AND MUSICIANS AND THEY HAVE DEEP TALENTS. Listen everyone, I want you to throw every album you own out right now, because if Allmusic says that for once a band is composed of both SONGWRITERS AND MUSICIANS, with deep talents, what the hell have we been listened to during these past years when our balls have been dropping and our boobies being delivered from the fucking boobie stork, of course.

An astonishing tour de force? Half of these fucking songs don't go over 100 fucking beats per minute. A tour de force is Citizen Kane by Goddamn Orson “Lipo-suction came too late” Welles, or fucking even The White Album by The Beatles. Is this album a fucking Tour de Force because it has one fast song, a fucking Beach Boys cover that sounds like Ira Kaplan had his Valium over-prescribed? Is it a tour de force because Space Bebop melds kraut-rock with horn-rimmed glasses and sounds like a Trans-Am rip-off? HEY, I DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING REALIZE THERE WAS SINGING UNTIL THE THIRD SONG BECAUSE IT'S MIXED SO GODDAMN LOW. AT THIS POINT, I'D RATHER HAVE STEPHEN MALKMUS SHIT ON MY FUCKING FACE THEN TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHY IRA KAPLAN'S BAR MITZVAH SUCKED HARD ASS.

Anyways, this album has wonderful melodies and stuff. A melody is something you become very good at when you own a keyboard, a guitar with four strings, another band member who can sing, and you blatantly rip off Sonic Youth for your instrumentation. I don't want to be anymore pessimistic, but half of this shit sounds directly ripped off from Sonic Youth (Oh look, a lady singing over staticy chords, holy fucking shit, welcome to the Indie of the Nineties shitheads.)

Amazingly, their best Neil Young noise jamming, We're an American Band, kind of rules, and their bassist has all kinds of repetitive flying beach ball bass lines that you can solemnly weep too. I figure a lot of this music will show up in five years when some indie hero dies and Matador records decides to make a tribute video and cuts a few ends and just make this album the soundtrack while a bunch of ex-indie musicians turned retail shelf stockers go on and on about how to some people that guy was *Exorcist style projectile vomit* the only things keeping them going!

Oh wait, I almost forget, this album has a song Muse covered, Stockhold Syndrome! God, at least something positive came out of the slow songs of this album. Oh fuck, they aren't the same atjsngfkjfgljsbhglfdg.

This is a good album to play at your Belle and Sebastien fanclub meeting though.

Rating: 7 hearts beating as 2

Song: Television- Friction


Leif Garret(t) said...

Stefan, you fucker. This album rules.

And yeah, Trans Am is awesome.

Roger_Daltree said...

It may rule from time to time, but a consistent album reigns, and this album does not deign to reign.

Roger_Daltree said...

You're lucky I didn't call the album "I can hear the cocks sucking as two"

Undercooked Sausage said...

dude, let's all leave gay comments on each others entries.

Leif Garret(t) said...

OH, wait, yeah you're right this album sucks. FUCK YOU.