Wings - Back To The Egg

And so we kiss the Wings era goodbye with this album. Right! Let's take a look at the album cover first. What's going on there? Paul Mccartney was smoking so much weed he apparently felt his band of Linda McChicken, Denny Restaurant and Sideman Mcwhogivesfuck were interstellar superstars and after releasing the critically acclaimed London Town, voted by most people as the best album ever recorded by a group of fruit flavored faggots. Wings were certainly flying high. Flying so high that they were about to crash from their excesses. A few hours after this album came out Paul McCartney was shot and killed in japan for smoking pot. Consequently, Denny Liane released a press statement that the band was breaking up and him and Linda McRib were going to butt fuck everyday and every night atop Paul's frosty ice cream grave.

Hey, did you guys know this is actually a great album? It's the best one they did besides Band On The Run, I personally believe so. See, Paul wanted to stay current, even though he had pretty much no reason to do so. He has tons of money, plenty of juicy pussies to fuck...so why even bother???

Well, I'm glad he bothered, because these songs rule!! They certainly make the last couple albums look like pieces of shit in comparison, not that they already weren't completely awful but hey, let's go easy on the guy, by the time this album came out, Paul was already eighty years old and still had the lyrical brain of a beefy manchild. He didn't know what "punk rock" or "new wave" and probably heard Elvis Costello taking a dump on his chest one day and decided "I'll make my new album sound like this!" Paul quickly jiggled into the studio and laid down a bunch of exciting rockers. Except they weren't exciting at all and were just a bunch of generic Paul rockers with a big of punk-flare in an attempt to stay culturally relevant.

Well, it was a complete and utter failure. No one bought this album, some people downloaded it off of soulseek though. Paul decided that his band had met his end and killed himself by plunging his car into a goddamn river. He made sure his wifes dead raped body was in the trunk.

Rating: Pretty competent Paul rockers. They're all really short so you don't get too bored. Plus there's some really beautiful ballads on here like "We're Open Tonight" and "Winter Rose-Love Awake." The first one is nearly haunting in it's beauty. His best one minute throwaway since "Junk" ten years ago.

Song: Old Siam Sir -
The best Paul McNugget shouty rocker we've heard since "Oh Darling." Who knew he still had it in him? Sound like a Sleater-Kinney song. It's just as blistering, and just as gay!

Wings - London Town

DENNY LAINE CUMS IN MY EARS AND IN MY EYES
BONERS SHOOT POO ALL OVER MY THIGHS
I SHIT ON HIS VILE CRACK

THERE IS A WINGS MEMBER WHO LIKES IT SMELLY ON HIS BALLS
HIS LITTLE ROD IS JUTTING IN AND OUT OF PAUL
AND WHEN PAUL SAYS, "HEY, BUD, I DIG YOUR BALL
IT DOESN'T SMELL AT ALL"

TRUMPET SOLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.bcxzvvkdstyz87ft5E$%^›flfi›fl$%YhmZ zx vxzcvbnnvb

And that's this album for you, pretty much.

Rating: As a lad, when I used to see this album in the racks (THAT'S WHAT I CALLED MY MOM'S TITS BACK THEN LOL), I always figured, "Oh, wow, this must be some sort of ultra-mature, focused, back-to-basics sort of album, 'cause it's just Paul, Linda, and Denny like on Band on the Run. And the cover is all awesome and 'mature' so the music must be totally well-mannered and not embarassing at all."

Well, years later, I looked a bit more closely at the cover and realized that it's actually pretty awful. Everybody looks Photoshopped in. If they were trying to make it look like they actually went out by some London body of water bridge fuckin' thing and took a picture in front of it, they failed miserably. Sorry, dudes. And Linda and Denny both look like they're missing pieces of their brains. Just look at those fuckers! Who the fuck told them to pose like that? And who picked out the font and color for the title? I do not appreciate this shit at all.

Hot on the heels of the hyper mega smash twin towers of brilliance that are Wings At The Speed of Sound and Wings Over America, the other band members pretty much realized one of/or two things: "Hey, I suck!" or "Hey, this band sucks!" So they left the band. And now it's back to Paul and his two possibly worthless collaborators Denny Laine and Linda P. McGriddlecakes. Just like on Hand On My Fun, which was great precisely because Sir Cunt Slop was not trying to have Wings "act like a band," but instead focused on just assembling cool songs in the 'ol recording studio for the sole purpose of making a rad album. Fuck this "Showing this BAND'S democracy and ability to ROCK! Like a BAND!" crap! That's not what Paul needs to be doing, no. Certainly not at this juncture in time, at least.

No, see, Paul just needs to channel his energies into bringing the awesome pop melodies. And for a good portion of this album, that's what Macadamia Vagina Nuts appears to be doing! I mean, look at how it starts off. The title track is some totally relaxed soft-rock crap. And dig those keyboards! All sorts of fun little keyboard things on this album. It's followed by "Cafe On The Left Bank," which is some seriously frenzied disco squad car chase bullshit. And "I'm Carrying" is next and it's this beautiful ballad... and so right there, you have a set of three diverse, HIGH QUALITY pop songs. Killer melodies that have had much effort put into them, obviously! Totally chilled out production. Great for coming down from your coke buzz. Very nice, these bros.

But then, man, the next two songs are both under two minutes! One sounds like Paul forgot to finish it, and the other one is just this minute long funky thing. And then "Children Children" is next and it's AWFUL. Denny Laine sings it! Remember when I said that "You've Got The Answer" was the fruitiest thing I'd ever heard? Well, I miscalculated somewhere, 'cause this song definitely claims that title. What a bunch of bouncy fucking minstreal asshole eating this song is. But it has quite the infectious melody, so I can't piss on it too much. But, man, they really should have left this one off the album.

Or not. This album is just too fucking long. 50 minutes is too much for a danged Wings album. "Morse Moose & The Grey Goose" is wholly unnecessary. "Cafe On The Left Bank" already did the corny spy music thing, but at least that one had a great melody and was half as long. The first three songs are undeniably fantastic, as is the falsetto negro soul of "Girlfriend." "Famous Groupies" is pretty well-liked, too. By me, sometimes. And "Deliver Your Children" is like some instant classic shit, right here. The two "hard rockers" on this thing... I don't have much of an opinon of them. Nor of the other songs. "Don't Let It Bring You Down" is not the Neil Young song of the same name, and is therefore horrible. Just kidding, but it's not exactly "Magneto & Titanium Man," is it? Okay, this song can stay.

Overall, this album is one of the strongest Wings albums. The half-written fillery things are barely even there, and the only truly worthless track is "Morse Moose & The Grey Goose." Lots of lost McCartney classics on this thing! Could have been tighter, though.

Song: "Cafe On The Left Bank"... probably about them soakin' slits.

Wings - Wings Over America

Did you guys know that I used to think that Wings was Paul McCartney's christian rock band? It's true, it's mainly because of that episode of The Simpsons where an angelic figure helps The Simpsons get through their family crisis and says "I really earned my wings" but was actually talking about a Wings album. Plus albums with titles like this, Wings Over America, it just sounds like a fun-for-the-whole-family sort of thing. All sinners will be casted down to hell. but Paul McCartney albums will save your soul from eternal damnation. This album was pretty much tailored for consumption by cholos and n-words. He raps all over this album and even pulls a couple Beatles tunes from the archives. It's completely non-essential. Paul doesn't do anything interesting live, and he doesnt't even have any witty banter. Plus, did I mention it's nearly 2 hours long? I don't even like listening to bands I love for 2 hours.

Rating: Completely useless, it sold a lot though, who knows why. I guess this McCartney feller is pretty popular

Song: You don't need one, it's just a live album, and I'm lazy.

Wings - Wings At The Speed Of Sound

Is this album called At the Speed Of Sound or Wings At The Speed Of Sound? Fuck you, Paul, fucking cockstain. Wipe the cum dribbling out of your mouth, this is professional, at least have the courtesy of telling me what your album name is. God damn you.



SO it was apparent at this point in Paul's career that he had nothing left to say. Something that would be further proven on his over-huge jello jiggler of a live album later the year this album came out. Venus & Mars was definitely a step down from Band On The Run, but it was a fun, goofy album in comparison and as such, can stand on it's own hind legs as a powerful album in the McCartney canon. This, however, Paul isn't even trying on this one. The songs he lays down on this little slab of scrap metal are all enjoyable, yeah, but nothing as feverish and as swindling as his earlier work. Plus, he makes the awful mistake of his talentless sidemen to either sing or write half of this thing. I'd actually put this as my third favorite Wings album if it was McCartney coasting throughout the whole thing. McCartney coasting is still, well at least fun to listen to. I don't want to hear what Denny Hastert has to say about his life, or Linda McCartney's adventures in the kitchen as sucking her husbands obese balls.

Rating: Its a stunner and a blunder, a winner and a sinner, a meatball and a slimeball. Cum balls, pick it up for "Let em in" or "Silly Love Songs," two of the best singles he's written since 1974, or just get a stupid compilation you fucking white boy.

Song: Let Em In - I wish this song was as good as I think it is, but it's not. This is still a decent album better than the first two Wings albums though.

Wings - Venus & Mars

Hey, it's Wings! The genuine good timey ROCK 'N ROLL BAND! They open their album with a song called "Rock Show." It's a ROCK SONG. With cowbell!!! It includes the lyrics:

You've got long hair
At the Madison Square
You've got rock 'n roll
At the Hollywood Bowl

Awesome, right??? The first couple Wings albums were boring and half-assed. The third one was focused and fucking classic. This one is just hilarious, and thus, endlessly enjoyable. There are all these stupid songs liked "Magneto & Titanium Man" and then there are a bunch of funny voices and dumb genre exercises. Really cuttin' loose with this one! Goooood shiiiiit!!!!! "You've Got The Answer" is the fruitiest thing I've ever heard. "Letting Go" is FUNKY 70S DISCO SLOW GROOVEZ. "Medicine Jar" is generic 70s cock rock. Denny Laine or some non-Paul McCartney guy sings on a few songs. They suck.

Awesome fucking album.

Rating: Better than all the Beatles albums combined. 1000/10.

Song: "Magneto & Titanium Man"... I WOULD PAY 80 DOLLARS FOR A DOUBLE VINYL + CD "DISCBOX" WITH NOTHING BUT THIS SONG, THAT'S HOW GREAT IT IS.

Paul McCartney & Wings - Band On The Run

After the relative disappointment of Red Rose Speedway and Wild Life, and yeah, I say relative because it's fucking Paul McCartney, dude could fart out a melody better than some of the shit he tossed onto those last two albums. I doubt any critic was going to give him the time of day. Really, who could blame them though? John Lennon was releasing albums like Hey Check Out The Sounds I Can Make By Flapping My Buttcheeks Together To Make Words and Sounds and George Harrison releasing his ultra hit triple album Cloud Nine. Critics knew the real tasty shit was coming out of the other little buggers. The thing is, well, they're completely wrong. Paul hadn't released a bad album yet, per se. They were just a bunch of tossed up little goofy Paul McCartney songs. They're going to be fun to listen to, definitely nothing objectionable in the least, but at the same time, who the fuck wants to listen to 40-45 minutes of Paul McFuckinFartney singin "ooh I love you" pretty much over and over again? Paul needed some more variety in his releases, one of the great things about The Beatles is that they covered virtually every piece of songwriting territory out there as well as forging ahead on new ones. Paul had either forgotten about this or was so busy sniffing his hot wife's hairy stinky pussy to give three or four shits.

Paul, due to his rampant stinky pussy eatin', seemed to be content released silly faggot rocker or pussy shit ballad. Ram was a great album and certainly was of Beatles-tier in terms of quality, and while I wouldn't specifically call it diverse, it could easily be argued it was the strongest set of songs he ever released. Band On The Run, on the other hand, is all up diverse in this motherfucker right here. All these songs cover different territory. Sure, Paul was still really into some sort of weird prog fetish at the time, but I think it worked out for the best. The songs, while maybe not as strong in substance as Ram, certainly work, but in a different way. Band On The Run is just classic after classic, fuck the introspective bullshit. This is just a pure pop album and is the king shit of all fuck pop albums.

Fuck Ram, Band On The Run is my jam! Nah, just kidding. but seriously my jewish friends. Band On The Run isn't just the best Paul McCartney album, it's also one of the greatest albums of all-time. Period. I'd put this above any Beatles album besides The White Album and maybe Rubber Soul, and certainly I'd put it way the fuck over all those shitty Lennon albums and could take down All Things Must Pass without breaking a sweat and still eat Sentimental Journey's shit for breakfast.

Curious as it is, while this isn't as nearly as personal of an album as Ram, it strangely has perhaps some of the best lyrics Paul ever penned in his music career. These songs don't really make any sense or whatever, but they're certainly coherant, and from a dude who's first solo release had songs that go "lalalalal" and "that would be something" over and over until I tuck my scrotum in my ass, it's certainly an accomplishment.

Problems with this album? Nah. Filler tracks? Nope, no filler on a Paul McCartney album. I know, it's strange isn't it? It's kind of weird how Paul was able to pull a album of this caliber out of his shithole in 1974, but at the same time it's like, shit. There's absolutely no excuse why every Wings album don't sound like this. It's fucking Paul McCartney! Guy wrote "Yesterday," "For No One," "Michelle," and "You Won't See Me" all within a fuckin year of each other. Get out of town, asshole. All you can give me is two bona-fide classic albums in the 70s and then a bunch of relatively enjoyable dick shit records? Fuck you, sir!

Rating: Simply the best, do yourself a favor, ignore Paul's rep as a fluffy little poo poo, and remember that this dude was in the fuckin' Beatles and just pick up this goddamn album. Goddammit, everyone should own this. Also, one last thing. This is easily the fullest album he had recorded up to this point. His first two were solo efforts, and the second two were Wings albums, but whatever. The production on this one actually sounds like a real band like Foo Fighters recorded this because Foo Fighters are awesome. Lush, heavenly, masterful, just Paul. Love you, man.

Song: Nineteen Hundred and Eighty Five - Fucking menacing piano pop!

Paul McCartney & Wings - Red Rose Speedway

Just remembered how awesome that cover is. Almost as awesome as the McCartney II cover. Something about Paul McCartney staring wide-eyed into the camera like a jackass just fills my fucking heart with joy and semen and "what have you."

So this album isn't totally embarassing or anything. I've listened to it a bunch of times in the past couple days and I can't remember how any of the songs go. The weird thing is that the most memorable things on here are the slightest, most fillery tracks. "Single Pigeon" and "When The Night" are pretty stupid, but they do stick in the 'ol brain, they do. Something that the totally worthless "Loup (1st Indian On The Moon)" does not do. What the hell is Paul thinking on here? Wings was definitely not the band to be playing groovy 70s prog-rock. Pretty clear waste of four minutes and 22 seconds.

"Little Lamb Dragonfly" should definitely be better than it is. It's okay, but something about the song doesn't live up to its potentially rad-as-shit McCartney cutesiness. "Get On The Right Thing" is fun. The 11 minute medley at the end of the album is cool and enjoyable. "Big Barn Bed" is a somewhat competent "rock" song. Sort of dumb and repetitive.

Why does everybody hate "My Love"? It's cheesy, yeah, but it's a beautiful fucking song. And he sings, "WHOOAAAOHOHOAAAAA" just like Glenn Danzig! Yep, JUST LIKE him. Awesome, right? Yeah.

Rating: Pretty average album. Actually, it's not very good at all. The songs are sort-of-semi-okay, but the production isn't very interesting, and neither is the band. Hell, most of these songs really don't do shit, either. Whatever, I don't care.

Song: "One More Kiss"... why did I upload this song, it's not very good.

Wings - Wild Life

Look at the hippie faggots on the cover of this album. Before you even placed it underneath the needle for the first time, you probably knew you were in for the worst parts of Paul's songwriting to come bursting force from every crevice of your hip 1970s apartment. Universally panned upon it's release, Rolling Stone called it "Wild Life reminds me of the scabs on my dick: too fluffy and unlistenable" E

Entertainment Weekly gave the album 1 star with just a one word review of "wtf" also every newspaper thought it sucked dick because they were too busying chafing their dix on Lennon's Imagine and Ringo's Ringo which they loved so much they were jerking off about two years before it even existed. Ringo's solo output is that good ladies and blacks.

But enough about Gringo Starr, I'm not going to go as far as denounce this album. Just forget for a minute that Paul Mccartney was the greatest songwriter of all time and listen to this album on it's own merits. There's a lot of sketchy bullshit all up in this shit. What happened to the squeaky clean, pristine production of Ram? I guess Paul decided it was more important to catch loads of cum in his beard than do a decent production job on his album.

rating: it's still pretty good, the title track is a low top-tier macca. As if to say "yeah it's great but you'll only listen to it probably never or once in awhile, say, during dinner for two?

Song: http://www.mediafire.com/?f21bt1ytwzt - "Wild Life" - goo shit

Paul & Linda McCartney - Ram

Even as a wee lad, I was always searching for new jamz to settle the fuck down with. After spending the first six or seven years of my life completely enamored with cult electro-acoustic happy hardcore improvisation collective THE BEATLES, I began gravitating more towards the solo work of one Paul McCartney. Now, I'm sure you're thinking, "Paul McCartney? He's a pussy who writes embarassingly inane pop songs that suck my shitty asshole always!" But mang, I'm pretty sure that that's the very reason I even made the effort to listen to the dude's music in the first place! His work as a solo artist and as a member of Wings simply took his fruity pop sensibilities that were displayed so brightly in his work as a Beatle to their logical and most ridiculous extremes. Despite some truly awful lyrics, Paul never failed to at least try and bring the awesome melodies with his songs, and that's what makes his post-Beatles output tower way the fuck above that of John, George, and Ringu. The dude had drive and enthusiasm, and apart from when he occasionally reduced himself to lazily churning out generic old-timey 12 bar blues rock 'n roll bullshit, his songs could rarely be described as "boring."

But despite digging the crap out of Paul's consistently melodic pussy poppers as a young person, as well as being genuinely impressed with the excellent Chaos & Creation In The Backyard, I had somehow managed to convince myself that solo Paul McCartney albums were not things that I particularly needed in my life. Of course, I was horribly wrong. And so we start with Paul's absolutely glorious sophomore effort, Ram. This isn't the sound of Paul just wiping his jizz on a mic (McCartney), nor is it the sound of Paul desperately trying to preserve his right to play in a good 'ol fashioned RAWK band (most Wings albums.) No, this is just our friend Paul McCartney delivering GORGEOUS MELODY AFTER GORGEOUS MELODY, by way of everything from masterfully constructed mini-suites to halfassed bluesy crap to bouncy ukulele whatever to some of the most fun lovin' attemps at "hard rock" ever conceived.

And it's all produced in a really nice Abbey Road sort of way, too! Shit just sounds great. So tight, so shiny. But man, this thing is just a total success. The fruity pop songs like "Dear Boy" and "Heart of the Country" are totally fruity, and the multi-part mini-suite things like "Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey" and "The Back Seat of My Car" (sweet jesus, THIS FUCKING SONG) are completely overblown and ridiculous, but fuck, it all WORKS. This sort of shit would sink a lesser artist, and has done so for Paul himself, keeping much of his subsequent work from achieving unequivocal greatness. But not so on Ram. Hell, Stephen Thomas Erlewine is completely dead on in making it a point to describe the "filler" as "enjoyable filler." McCartney albums are generally chockful of filler, but even the half-assed backporch honky blues of "3 Legs" manages to grab you with melodic wonderfulness! Same with the stupidly repetitive rocker "Smile Away." These songs just fill my heart with joy. The songs that should come across as low-points actually end up being really, really fucking catchy and endlessly enjoyable. Critics probably hated it because it's just so much damn fun and Paul screams like an idiot during all of the album's "rock" songs. But man, I sure do know amazing melodies when I hear them, and how anyone could have heard "The Back Seat of My Car" or "Ram On" in 1986 or whenever this was released and not have immediately recognized them as being Beatles caliber tunes should really just go suck one.

Also, the album is co-credited to Linda because she sings semi-prominent backing vocals on a few songs and has very little discernible talent whatsoever.

Rating: Legitimately fantastic album. Convincing yourself that you don't need this shit... BAD. Very, very bad.

Song: "The Back Seat of My Car"... I could go on and on about this fucking song. Seriously. The balls.

The Icarus Line - Black Lives At The Golden Coast

Hey, it's a fairly solid rock album. It's about ten minutes shorter than the last one. The production is less distorted and in-the-red, for one thing. And there are some genuine pop songs this time around. "Slayer," "Victory Gardens," "Black Lives At The Golden Coast," all awesome. A lot more of a JAMC/PRMLSCRM thing going on here, rather than just trying to be as face-slashingly abrasive as possible. I'm down with it.

The songs that aren't all breezy and dreamy are pretty much the same 'ol hookless messes, though. The fuck is up with that? If I want to hear plodding, pissed-off Stooges-lovin' noise-rock, I'll dig me some 'ol Jesus Lizard, Brainbombs, Clockcleaner, etc. These dudes just don't have the tunes for that stuff. Sad, really, 'cause I love that kind of shit. Guys, just keep rocking the acoustic guitars/melodies. I believe in y'all.

Rating: Several genuinely enjoyable rock songs. Somehow, it all holds together. I can listen to it all the way and enjoy myself. Pretty good record. They're getting better.

Song: THE ALBUM!!!

The Grateful Dead - Anthem of The Sun

Can I just say that my review of the new Akron/Family album was way fucking off? I'm pretty sure that even in my earlier stages of listening that I didn't hate the album, but man, does the review make it seem like I did! It's not bad at all. In fact, it's awesome. It's not like they don't still sound like the greatest band in the world, after all. Now more than ever, actually. Those melodies just creep up on you after a few listens, which eventually helps you appreciate how hard and hilariously those songs rock a fuckin' bitch.

I saw them live last night, by the way! It might have been the best show I've ever attended. Let's just say that they played for two hours and that one of the songs was a 20 minute cover of "Turn On Your Lovelight." I was in the front, sweating my dicks off with drunk teenage girls, completely losing my shit to the Blessing Force. This dude behind me had these huge Grateful Dead pants and was shrooming like crazy. The amazing thing is that before Ak Ak's set began, he observed that nobody around us was moving during the opener, and he and I agreed to help everybody else "feel the love." But every time I looked back at him during the A/F set, he was barely swaying, due to being fried out of his mind. Awesome.

What with A/F being a band of bearded sexies whose duty seems to be to blast the wholesome sounds of the Dead, Neil Young, and the Band into the 21st century (suck one, Wilco), I found myself pretty inspired to throw on Anthem of The Sun and tell you a little about it. It's from 1968! Really! The Dead want to show you that they're not just a normal rock 'n roll band, that they're all about experimentin' and being "avant-garde" and "pushing the boundaries of what could be done in a recording studio." So they give you an album with FIVE SONGS because they think they're fucking King Crimson or something, the shits.

But the "prog explosion" hadn't really happened by this point, had it? So don't expect these "multi-part epics" to be all that ultra-serious and academic. A lot of it is just a bunch of dicking around! They'll play an actual part of a song with actual melodies and stuff, and then they'll splice in a live tape of them "jamming" in the good 'ol live concert environment. So it's "complex" music, but only in the sense that it's slightly more complex than using only concert tapes or just doing it all in the studio.

In fact, the "boundary crushing" production ends up just being one huge fucking mess, some of the funniest, most laughably excessive hippy nonsense crap you'll ever hear. Fortunately, the SONGS themselves are pretty good. The opener on this is "That's It For The Other One," which is completely awesome. It's a classic for a reason! It's a "multi-part epic" or something, and multiple parts of it do slay hot bitches. Phil Lesh's "New Potato Caboose" is okay, too. And then "Born Cross-Eyed" is just the fucking tits, mang. Bob Weir just fucking BRINGS IT with this song. Brief and rocking. Good shit. "Alligator" is pretty okay. "Caution (Do Not Stop On The Tracks)" doesn't have jack-shit going for it except for some noise at the end. But man, there's no song in there, really. Just ignore it... use it as time for you to reflect on how much better the rest of the album is and naked fucking sluts, also. They're all over this album. Mickey Hart, for example. Why am I reviewing a Grateful Dead album, lol.

Rating: The songs are actually pretty good, as are the jams. Put together, though, it all makes for quite the enjoyably horrible mess. It's the Dead at their "experimental peak," so it's at least interesting to hear them at this sort of phase in their career, trying to bring the "mind-expanding" aesthetic of their jams into their studiowork. Akron/Family looks up to this album, they do. You can definitely hear it in their longer songs like "Moment" and "There's So Many Colors," which clearly show an appreciation for the compelling ridiculousness of Yes and Gentle Giant, but also make it pretty obvious that their hearts are in the smelly American hippiness of the Dead. They clearly wish that "Roundabout" sounded more like Anthem of The Sun, and really, that's what they're trying to do, when you think about it! And they succeed. Oh, yes, they do. And their work is a shitload more focused than the music on this here album. Like Yes, they're down with melodies. Melodies upon melodies. And when they jam, the focus is less on some boring shit-jazz fusion guitar soloing and more on just making a big 'ol noise for God to beat one to. Love that fucking band. Anthem of The Sun is pretty cool, too. If you think it's cool to SUCK, that is! Aaaaaaaaaaggggggghhhhhhhhh2hhhhh>0%p[o38h!!!!!!!!!!!

Song: The Frogs - It's Only Right & Natural

Travis Morrison Hellfighters - All Y'all

Alright, so this isn't bad at all! Remember when his last record got a 0.0 from a certain online "indie rock" publication? Did it deserve such a low rating? Nah. I mean, I can see somebody accusing it of being "laughably horrible," but I can also see somebody saying the same thing about Emergency & I. Music that is flamboyantly obnoxious certainly does have the power to divide audiences like nothing else. But man, Travistan had a few perfectly enjoyable songs, remember? So how is it the worst thing ever? I don't know. Then again, these are the people who actually think that Wolf Parade is a listenable and not shitty rock band.

So let me just say that All Y'all is quite the improvement over Travistan, which despite an awesome song or two, sounded like shit and contained quite a plethora of awkward moments. Not enough to warrant a 0.0, mind you! It was kind of like a shity Paul McCartney solo album in that it's not that he was half-assing it, but instead just showing too much of an uninspired lack of restraint. This new one is solid, though! What does it sound like, hmm? Well, don't expect those early Plan-style freak-outs. Think more along the lines of Change. Remember how "Sentimental Man" and "Superpowers" were totally smooth and groovy? This is more of that. Except he takes it even further! That's right, dude actually presents a logical sort of progression of an earlier established sound! There are lots of electric pianos on here, which makes everything sound like Steely Dan-style "yacht rock." Seriously! And it's an interesting path to take, I feel.

Which brings me to one of the reasons that this thing really impresses me and why Travis the Solo Artist doesn't deserve the bad rap that has been unfairly thrusted upon him. Do you people really expect him to just make Dismemberment Plan records? They're not a band anymore! Lots of things you loved about the Plan will not be found in these Travis records! Travis, while clearly the central figure of the group, had as much to do with their sound as all the other dudes in the band. Looking for that classic D-Plan chemistry on these records? It's not there, sorry. So don't look for it. It's all Travis now. This is the sound of one (the most noticeable, at that) element of the Dismemberment Plan doin' it all on his own.

And it sounds great, in my opinion. Sure, he's got all of these chilled out yacht rock things goin' on, but he also does a lot of really cool, interesting shit that makes your ears perk up and go, "Huh?" The Sun Ra Arkestra-style horns in "I'm Not Supposed To Like You (But)," for one thing! They're awesome! He didn't have to throw them in for five seconds! But he did! And "Catch Up" is actually sort of proggy! The jazzy melody sounds like something the Soft Machine or some people would have played the shit out of, there's this one awesome, sudden change in the second half, all this shit. And there's a rapper in the chorus! And it all WORKS, goddamnit! That's the thing, this music sounds pretty normal, but it's just normal enough for him to be able to do all this cool shit like the twin guitar lines in "I Do" (sounds like Steely Dan again!) and not fall completely flat on his face. Or better yet, get the shit beaten out of him outside of a Gap! Which according to a certain online "indie rock" publication, is what all of Travistan is about. Except the songs about the presidents. And the one about all of those animals. And pretty much all of the other songs except for one. No, I will not let go of this.

Rating: These melodies really grab me, you know? I've been listening to this thing a lot... been really excited about going back to it. Just really good idiosyncratic pop music from a guy who knows a thing or two about making really good idiosyncratic pop music. I'd say that it's "a pretty competent pop/rock album," but that would be a lie, 'cause All Y'all is a hell of a lot more than just that. This shit stands on its own, mang. Good job, Travis.

Song: A video of Talking Heads playing "Cities" in Rome! AWESOME!!!

New Order - Substance

Disc one has the greatest songs of all-time all the fuck over it. "Ceremony," "Bizarre Love Triangle," and of course, the immortally fantastic '87 remix thing of "Temptation." "Blue Monday" is on here, too. "True Faith" is awesome. "Shellshocked," "Who's Joe," "Shame of the Nation," and "The Perfect Kiss" all rule a bitch. The rest of the songs are pretty good, too. "Everything's Gone Green" is basically "Blue Monday" if "Blue Monday" was written and assembled in such a way that no one would ever actually give a shit about it, and hey, it's still damn good. Essential listening, all of these things. Especially "Temptation." Oh god, "Temptation."

Sadly, the second disc is largely a bunch of boring "club mixes" or something and I never listen to it. Oh, well.

Rating: I don't know.

Song: The Groundhogs - Thank Christ For The Bomb

Baroness - Red Album

I am not a metal guy. I try to be a metal guy, sure, I've listened to some Papa Roach and 90s Metallica just like any other guy and found it pretty heavy. However, by and large, I'm not into it too much. Which is weird, because I've typically liked every metal album I've heard, for instance, Slayer's last record was really great and also the Beatles.

However, I think this is a metal album that any boy or girl of any age can enjoy. The lyrics are rated PG for some suggestive dialogue. At one part there is a song where the singer talks about having anal sex with a small boy, fucking and sucking his pole. Drinking the juice that comes out of his prepubescent member. These lyrics didn't sit well with me as a practicing catholic. Therefore I vote we shun this devil music and cast it back whence it came. Trouble the souls of our children no more.

No, but in all seriousness, fans of music should check this record out. It's technically metal, but in the relaxed southern style. These boys are from Georgia and prefer to keep things slow and melodic rather than bone-raping and skeletal. I could even see faggots like the dude from Decemberists and various other felons enjoying this album. This album has more in common with Daft Punk than it does Carcass.

Fans of big fucking boners will love this album too. There are dicks everyone on the album cover, on the album art. You just can't see them on the cover in JPG format because President Bush is censoring the internet and controlling all of our thoughts don't be controlled

Rating: It's one of my favorite records of this year. I've included a download link so everyone give it a shot, it's seriously an album for everyone, not just beer-chuggin, dick slammin, skinhead nazi fucks.

Download: http://www.sendspace.com/file/c0ya7n

Some Quasi album or something.

So this kid at school burned me some Quasi CD because last Friday I saw that he had a Pissed Jeans - Hope For Men button on his bag and I was like, "Holy crap, is that a Pissed Jeans pin?!" and he was like, "I don't know, I got it at Pitchfork" and then he had a Sleater-Kinney button and a Janet Weiss button and was like, "Dude, Quasi is totally amazing! I saw them at Touch & Go last year! They're like Built To Spill except not boring!" and I was like, "Awesome, man, I was there for Shellac, Big Black, Scratch Acid, Girls Against Boys, awesome weekend" and he was like, "Yeah, man !!! was amazing" and at this point, I was like, "Eh, yeah" and then today he gave me some Quasi CD that he had burned and I listened to it and now we are here, writing this blog entry.

And the album... sucks. I could have written these shitty, generic indie pop songs of shit. Oh, wow, there's a distorted organ or synth or something, great! Oh, yeah, this song is in some wacky time signature for a little bit, awesome. Piano, WOW! This is like shitty Ben Folds meets Beulah or something. I mean, it's like Built To Spill if Built To Spill was just completely horrible instead of just sort of boring. Fuck this album.

Rating: ZERO STARS. Only my SHIT. Not even that, though. Man, what a waste of 41 minutes of my life.

Song: Comus - First Utterance... stellar album.

VHS OR BETA - BRING ON THE COMETS

Today SLRJ presents a work-safe and non-work-safe review of the new VHS or Beta

Work-safe

I don't get it, It bores me. i'm too tired to review an album right now. I start class tomorrow.

Not-work safe version

Yea

Rating: i didn't listen to the whole thing.

Download: http://www.megaupload.com/?d=U0SKQ13C

Clockcleaner - Babylon Rules

The cover is evidence enough. Look at that nice, glossy photograph! These bros have risen up from the muck 'n murk of their early days and have joined major label yacht rock conglomerate Load Records as an official "up and coming young American rock 'n roll combo." Even though the bassist is like, 31 fucking years old! Dan and I saw them live at Permanent Records and we were in front and she kept grinding up against our throbbing, swollen members as she played her six string bass like the butt lovin' boner slave that she so aspires to be.

But enough about Clockcleaner, the world's oldest band. This is their new album! Like I said, they're movin' on up from the depths of the noise-rock underground. First full-length was on Reptilian Records (RELEASER OF ALBUMS BY DWARVES AND HEROINE SHEIKS, FUCK YEAH) and had a really crudely drawn cover of some stuff or something, fuck. And it sounded like a raging inferno of teenage mutant ninja feces inside Mother Nature's industrial vagina. Really poopy like. And it was great. Luckily, on the band's follow-up In Utero, they finally acknowledge that "teenage angst has paid off well/now I'm bored and old" because they're such fucking elderly pieces of fucking shit. That's right, fuck 'em. They're not any good at all. In Your Honour was the best thing they ever did, and even that's merely the greatest album ever recorded. Better than Bleed American, even.

Okay, just kidding. Nothing is better than Bleed American. Not even this album, which once again finds Clockcleaner at their top of their game as America's best loved buzz band. Remember when you first heard "Gentle Swastika" on the OC and it made you the die-hard super destiny Clockcleaner devotee that you are today? That's fucking right, it did. You most likely won't be disappointed with this new full-length LP, then! The songs still completely pound a bitch, the riffs are still repetitive and abrasive, and John Sharkey is still playing guitar with a quarter so that he can make his trademark "REEEEERRREEHHHHEEEEEHRHHREERRRREEEEEEEE" noise. BUT SOME THINGS ARE DIFFERENT.

For one thing, the last album didn't have Karen. Karen is a woman who plays the bass guitar. She's on this album, and the bass, while often distorted, sounds a lot clearer and punchier and it rules. So do the drums, for that matter! They sound fabulous on here! Who the fuck recorded this? Bob Weston's doing the next one, right? Not this one? I think so. But anyways, man, this fuckin' thing just sounds crystal friggin' clear! The Hassler was just kind of cold and distant, and Nevermind was really just like this brilliant shit storm of wonderfulness, but this thing is just like a big candy colored sperm load of well-produced heavy. Really pleasing to listen to! A lot of really brutal albums just don't sound that way, you know? This album does, though. So do albums such as the Melvins' Hostile Ambient Takeover and Kevin Drumm's Sheer Hellish Miasma. Abrasive shit that's actually pleasant to have running through your ears. Kudos, albums.

One super ultra MAJOR difference here, though. For some reason, John Sharkey has recently deciding to stop screaming everything like some pissed off crazy guy. Maybe his voice was disappearing too fast? I don't know. I'll ask him some day. So he's actually sort of "singing" now, and in a much lower, more throaty register than his screams on older Clockcleaner records. And it sounds okay most of the time! I mean, his BRUTALLY ROARIN' vox provided many of the highpoints of Nevermind and really added a lot to the band's poop flingingly abrasive manner of music-making. His new style sounds a little bit less scary. When I first heard "Vomiting Mirrors" earlier this year, I was like, "Aw, shit! This doesn't sound dangerous! It just sounds like some novelty crap! He's singing about little doggies on the railroad tracks in a dumb voice, what the hell!" But it's not so bad, really. Good songs on here! They played "Caliente Queen" when I saw them live, and I remember that song because it had a bouncy feel-good sex beat. "Daddy Issues" is pretty much the "N.S.A." of this album, a fast, brief (compared to the rest of the album's six minute epics) punker before they close it out with more SIKK BROOTALITY. Crank out the brews for this one! And "When My Ship Comes In" just fucking KILLS IT. Ah, man, the things I would do to this song if I only had a cock. Made of songs. Or something.

Rating: They're still good! Go Clockcleaner, go! Keep releasing an album a year, OF the year (ha, well, maybe... it's definitely a major highlight of 2007, at least)! Also, Let's Stay Friends is still amazing. I listened to it twice today. Fuck yeah. Hell, fuck YES. And that's the review! The end.

Song: "Caliente Queen"

Weezer - Maladroit

This is what Weezer sounds like when they're all in the bathroom having sex with each other. Seriously, flash back to 2002. After coming off the Weez "revival" and released the critically acclaimed/maligned Green Album. Weezer were on top of the commercial yogurt. 2001 will forever be known by the label: "How Cuomo Got His Groove Back"(or Grover, that video with the fucking muppets blasting cum on Cuomo's face is cute.)

This victory in power-pop stardom was short lived, however. It seemed that Weezer wanted to make-up for the crisis of infinite earths created by their lack of productivity in the latter half of the 90th century. Thusly, Rivers and company decided to place a mouth-watering loaf of half-baked ideas, riffs, corny songwriting, bake for roughly 37 minutes, let cool for 1 year, and then launch it onto your raving fanbase after tantalizing them with demos of your new album over the last year. No one thought this album could possibly be bad(well, except for Weezer detractors, but we all know they're a bunch of butt-loving faggots anyway).

Maladroit has been, and always will be a piece of shit. A lot of people at the time claimed that Maladroit was actually the superior album to Green and that it hearkened back to Weezer's 90s heyday. This is an incorrect opinion, however. Weezer never sounded like this. I mean, sure, Weezer was always big on cheesy, Van-Halen-esque guitar riffs, but as always. Mr. Cuomo always wore his heart on his sleeve, and envoked a fun playfulness in his music and lyrics. Maladroit is not fun for anyone. It's like living in a turkish prison for a half hour and some change. It's music trying desperately to sound important even when though the message is vapid and thread-bare.

That said, There's still a couple tracks of pop goodness on this listless turd. "Burnt Jamb" and uh, well the singles are alright too. My copy of this album that I have burned to my computer is all crapped up and the songs cut off before they're over. A blessing in disguise.

Rating: The worst Weezer album in existence. At least Make Believe is fun, fuck this shit.

Download:
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=ND6CN6S2

Pig Destroyer - Phantom Limb

Today I came home and proceeded to listen to this album three times in a row.

Do you know what grindcore is? Grindcore is metal played as fast as humanly possible, more or less. It ain't a pleasant listen. Napalm Death pretty much invented it, didn't they? Once upon a time, D.R.I. decided to play punk rock ridiculously fast and awesomely, and then Napalm Death made it all metal-y and added "OOOOGGGHHH" vocals and it hurt your mama's ears. Basically this huge blur of pummeling noise. It rules, yeah. Grindcore.

But the dudes had really short songs and they had one that was like, a second long or something! Hey! They obviously had a pretty good sense of humour about this stuff. Later, there were other grindcore bands. Eventually, they started to get more and more technical! Dillinger Escape Plan, for example. I mean, they're heavy. And they kick your ass and scream at you. But they're still kind of dorky and rackety, what with all the super mathy playing making things a bit rackety in a really techy sort of way. Same with Daughters. There's a lot of humour there and in a lot of other stuff like this, what with all the high pitched noises and balls-out shredfests and such. And that's great! But man, this band. THIS BAND IS SOMETHING ENTIRELY DIFFERENT.

Pig Destroyer is really angry about something. Who knows what. Phantom Limb is pure kickassness. And it's technical and all and they can play their asses off. But man, this shit is more just about the metal, you know? I mean, shit, these dudes completely fucking deliver, no bullshit. Really, you know how some albums just rock harder than all other albums? They just kick more ass? Well, this one kicks a lot of ass. Shit is heavy. Riff after riff of pure skull crushing metal amazingness. Played fast, yeah, but not comically so. And there are slower parts, too! They groove. Hard. This shit just roars like none other. And it never lets up. Never. All other so-called "grindcore" bands should hang their heads in defeat, 'cause Pig Destroyer's science is simply too tight.

And the last track is a really sweet idea on these guys' part! After the most violent half hour long rocking of your life, you are treated to a nice "cool down" track, evoking the good 'ol rural back porch days via cricket noises and an old timey country barbershop campfire transistor radio sing songy. Sort of like after you've been boning some broad in her zex puzzy for three hours and you decide to just surprise her with some butt love. They love that! Use someone else's wang dang, though. 'Cause they SHIT out of those things! Fuckin' BITCHES.

Rating: Good for buttfucking. And there's NO BASS. What the hell? And it totally doesn't matter, either! There's plenty of low-end to go around and kick your ass. Great record. One of the year's finest!

Song: "Girl In The Slayer Jacket"... song completely fucking rules, yeah.

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