Kevin Drumm - Purge

When you are underground noise musician, you release million selling chart-busters that have you making noise with another famous underground noise musician, and for some reason, it's worse than either of the solo releases that you two bros have put out. Also, you release cassettes that are impossible to find because nobody owns a cassette tape player so it doesn't matter that nobody is able to find them. You generally release approximately 73 of these cassettes every two weeks. If you are a lazy cunt, you just put them on CD-R's, take them to the record store, and slip them in with the Cake CDs.

Luckily, Kevin Drumm is a scary bearded ghost man who not only rarely performs, but wisely releases an "official solo release" every year (from about 1999 to 2005) or every couple years (nothing in 2006 from the man!) This is an awesome thing because it makes his discography easy to keep track of, and because he's the fucking MASTER, he is able to keep each one of his releases distinct from the ones around it, and never stays in the same place for long. Each release moves forward from the last, introducing some new element or blowing an existing element out of proportion.

Which brings us to Purge. It is his longest release since 2002's terribly face-melting all-out fucking masterwork Sheer Hellish Miasma. A (presumably) limited amount of copies was put out on iDEAL Recordings, who released Wolf Eyes's Black Wings Over The Sand earlier this year. I downloaded an MP3 rip from a Hipinion YSI thread. It's all one track. It is about an hour long and there are one or two silence breaks. Not sure if there are official "tracks" here, but there could be. The first 15 minutes or so consist of some seriously whited out trebly "suck on this, Matthew Bower" dentist-drill-from-hell noise. Then there's this huge change and it's a fucking rumble in the jungle, let me tell you, and man, it makes me jump the fuck up in surprise and utter terror. Kevin Drumm knows how to vary it up, he does. Throughout this bad boy, we have some horrible screeching whiteness, low-end mega-distorto, seizurous electrospazz, what sounds like heavily treated metal riffing, and some ambient cool-down relaxation to bring it all home. And then just when you think it's all over, the dude lays on some seriously stomach-churning synthesizer fuckery. Quite the journey. For some reason, it ends with a field recording that consists of church bells, somebody playing trumpet, what sounds like a door being slammed, and a brass ensemble playing some slow delightful wedding music or some shit. Kevin Drumm is certainly a weird and funny human being.

Rating: Throughout the decade, Kevin Drumm has been continuously plunging headfirst into new realms of extreme brutality. And boy, is Purge no exception. What a fucking massive work this is, even more scrotum-slashingly abrasive than Land of Lurches or Impish Tyrant. It's good to have him back!

Song: A bunch of pictures that my girlfriend and I took on Photo Booth! God bless TECHNOLOGY, dang

wolves in throne room - two hunters

hunters of bread, pasta and pussy, lots of cunt juice flowing down their chins and flowing down their beards, i like a nice round dick to touch and smell when i'm trapped inside the bowels of hell

this album smells like a banana

score:

MV & EE with the Golden Road - Gettin' Gone

I heard some other album of theirs not too long ago. It was called Green Blues and was recorded with a completely different road. It sounded like some serious sleepy-time LSD droney folk jamz, that is what it sounded like. The one time I listened to it, I fell asleep on the train. Then I came home, listened to the rest, thought about the women in my life, and probably fell asleep again. So on that particular day and under those particular circumstances, it was just that kind of record album, it was.

Those days are no more, though, and now we have a whole new long-player from this happy couple that is a bearded woman and man, fighting together, I can teach you, teach you something, if you listen, man and woman. New Ween album, dudes. It's boss as shit. Obviously not as good as Strawberry Jam or whatever supposedly "subversive" bullshit the kids are digging.

This album is not like that other album I heard! There are SONGS here. Lots of 'em. Slightly over an hour of SONGS is what this album is. Maybe Green Blues had songs and I didn't notice them because I was asleep. This new album sounds like Neil Young. Neil Young and his rock band Crazy Horse. Don't pretend that it doesn't. Listen to that fucking guitar tone on "Mama My," holy shit. Who cares if it's "derivative," that cunt pummelin' Crazy Horse sound is as perfect as rock 'n roll gets. Why try to even deny that. My god. My fucking god.

There are two types of songs on here: the spacey acoustic songs that don't have drums, and the balls-out rockers that do have drums. And the drums are totally kickass. DID YOU KNOW that the drummer on here is J. MASCIS, well, I just heard that today. I believe it. These drums... they're heavy. They sound great. The whole thing sounds really good, yep. 'Twas obviously recorded to tape, all analog-like. And it totally sounds like a log cabin in the woods or something. You can taste the tree bark and bushy marijuana beard real good, yep.

So, yeah, the rockers. Either they're complete shit-stompers like "Don't Cry No Tears" or creepy thunderclouds drifting overhead like "Danger Bird." Jesus christ, Zuma is the Greatest Album Ever Recorded, right? Why did I just say that, I don't believe it for one second, save for the ones during which I think about just how fucking good Zuma is. That's it, I'm turning this new-fangled G.G. Allin with Paul Rodgers pile 'o 200+ kbps VBR mp3 files off... that's right, I'm listening to "Danger Bird" right now. This fucking song. Neil Young is as good as Paul McCartney. Not really as good as the Killers featuring Lou Reed, mind you. It's not like Neil Young and Paul McCartney were ever in the BEATLES, ha.

Anyways, the acoustic songs are good, too. "I Get Caves In There." Beautiful song. Check it out. Pretty sure that there are one or two totally all-out epic acoustic droners on here. There's that one near the end, I know that. They're great, of course, but I'm not so into them as I am into shit like tracks three and four and two and thirteen and a bunch of the other solid jamz.

A lot of people are saying "Neil Young and Royal Trux" when talking about this bad boy of an album. And they're right! Forget about the Stones and shooting up all the live long day and apply that sloppy rock 'n troll Trux aesthetic to the music of Judy & The Dream of Horses, and you, my friend, have some great fucking music. The two vocalizers on here are charmingly rough around the edges, but it all works. These folks are concerned with being long-hairs and smoking their minds up into the cosmos, and sometimes that results in some massively outward flowing shit, all psychedelic like. Wilco, this is not. The Magnolia Electric Co., this is ALSO not. Hell, I'm sick of that shit! Molina has been doing the same crap over and over. It was awesome the first time. Now it's just so TAME and played-out... give me MV & EE any day of the week. They have balls. And a vagina.

Rating: Fucking great record. Seriously, one of the best things you could possibly put in your ears this year. These fuckers have it. Beautiful production. Killer tunes. The will to make music that's exciting and inviting. Maybe you're annoyed with all the bearded forest dwellers of "indie" these days. As you should be. But Beck's Midnite Vultures and his lovely wife Ekkehard Ehlers are doing something that comes across as very genuine and fun. What's that totally kickass Unwound chord change in "Susquehanna"? And the guy just said, "This one's for Mike Watt" in "Coaled Out." Son of a martyr! Son of a father! You can look inside you? You can look inside ME!

HEY!!!! BUY THIS ALBUM!!!!!!!! I'm listening to "Pardon My Heart" from Zuma. MV is to Neil Young as Neil Patrick "Julie" Haggerty is to McJagger? I'd say so, yeah. Listen to this album, you will understand.

Song: "Mama My"... one of the best things you'll hear all year!

Girls Aloud - Tangled Up

Two days ago, I decided to spend my morning listening to the latest Kylie Minogue album X. Her Fever is a classic, one of the finest pop albums of this fine, fine decade of musical fucktones. Unfortunately, listening to X, I found that the album sounded fucking awful and that the whole thing was just really boring and I know that you're not supposed to say that after JUST ONE LISTEN, but nevertheless, it sucked my ballsac and despite my great appreciation for such a deed, I immediately deleted the album from my computer.

Today, I had the same experience with this album by Girls Aloud. I have been meaning to pick up some of their other records for some time now, but I figured that I might enjoy this one as part of my year-end album listening bonanza. And like the Kylie, it was horribly produced and nothing grabbed me at all and it just sounded like generic girly dance-pop or whatever. And I like the Rihanna album. And I LOVE Rachel Stevens. This was just unlistenably horrible. I'm listening to "Some Girls" from Rachel Stevens's Come & Get It and it's so fucking good. The hooks and melodies and all that just stick out and jab at your peen and it's awesome, shit. Luckily, I deleted the shitty Girls Aloud album from my computer and now I can continue throughout my day listening to these Kevin Drumm cassettes I leeched from some Hipinion YSI thread.

Rating: The cover looks like some horrible budget compilation of wedding music that you'd buy at Nordstrom or some shit. Fuck this album.

Song: Crispin Glover - "Clowny Clown Clown"

Burial - Untrue

Hi, I'm updating this right now. What's up.

Everybody loves this album. I also love this album. It is an electronic music album. There are beatz and loopz and bleepz and bloopz. There are vocal samples. They are occasionally very hooky. It is moody music. That mood is an ominous one of darkness and sushi.

I don't have anything to say about this album. I'm sure that there are a million albums that sound similar to this one, but I have no idea as to why this one might tower above any of them. Maybe because I haven't heard enough shitty "electronica" records to compare it to? Last year, I was really digging Villalobos's Achsco and I honestly had nothing to say about it except for "he makes cool noises."

Every blog is talking about this album! Now this one is, too! FUX YEEEEEEAH.

Rating: Great fucking album. The cover reminded me of Gorillaz at first.

Song: "Archangel"

Happy Halloween, you cunts!

-Solid Little Rock Jams

Radiohead- In Rainbows

Considering I haven't written a review in a long time, it seems like the least essential album for me to review right now would be In Rainbows by Radiohead.

First of all, everyone can get this album for free. Fans and non-fans alike can download the album and give their two cents without any sort of sacrifice besides having to pay for bandwidth and whatever minimal time is lost on the download. Even though most music collections these days are anywhere from 50-75% pirated, the record review is still important because people still buy music. And technically, since you can give Radiohead money for their album, this review has some sort of worth, but due to the CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE quality of this transaction, one could very easily retroactively pay the band. What I'm trying to get at here, is that the music reviewer is finally gone as the first wave of the analytical process. Purchasing music for the most part is a zero sum decision, so if a critic recommends something and you don't like it, you can simply chalk it up to having dissimilar tastes and be more wary on your next purchase. With the new Radiohead album, it's very possible that MINE or someone's review might affect however much you decide to give to them, and WELL, I feel absolved of feeling any responsibility if you choose to give more money to Radiohead based off of any review and then feel disappointed.

So I guess what I'm driving at is, a) will positive reviews inspire you to pay more for In Rainbows, and b) does the review even matter at all, considering the most important THING for a review to do is simply introduce you to a new band/genre that you might not have heard about. And since everyone and their goddamn rabbis have heard of THESE DUDES, then well, isn't this simply the best excuse for masturbatory prose since the bodice ripper?

One assumption I'll be making during this review is that I don't really care if the live versions were better or other blah blah blah of that nature. YEAH, MAN, BODYSNATCHES WAS SO MUCH MORE ROCKING LIVE, AND SO WAS RECKONER, HOLY SHIT I'M THE MUSICAL EQUIVALENT OF 2chicks1cup.com! Just in case you haven't been there before, I'm trying to make topical scat jokes because frankly this wouldn't be an online review if I weren't making some terrible allusion to whatever Rick Roll'd or other memes are flying around. Hahah, this video's great because it's so cheesy and this guy takes himself totally serious! I can't fucking wait for my goddamn children to link me to Larger Than Life by the Backstreet Boys through their 10 year old facebook accounts and go “LOL, DEY ARE A BOY BAND ON A SPACESHIP WUT WERE DEY THINKIN?!?!” Suicide will be imminent at that point.

That being said, the new Radiohead album is a gorgeously produced, focused piece of work. Of course it's not revolutionary, it doesn't have to be. Even though Radiohead has been at the forefront of innovation for a while now, there's nothing wrong with them going back and polishing all the little things they are great at to put out a truly outstanding album. What's so inconceivably brilliant about Radiohead is that most bands will never produce a song as great as any of the songs on In Rainbows, and yet some people might complain about it not living up to expectations or some other retarded rubbish.

Every single song on here is extremely polished. The album is a bit curt in a few ways, but I'd rather have a shorter album with more quality then say, Hail to the Thief. The latter was an amazing album, but it definitely had some fat that could have been cut, whereas In Rainbows is non-stop quality, minus the enigmatic Videotape that while functions as a good ender, is somewhat lackluster.

15 Step is a bombastic, electro-percussive racket. The band certainly hasn't ended where they went wrong as they use all sorts of dub entrances for various melodies and instruments. The most energetic song on the album, Bodysnatchers, ends with Yorke's frantic wailing of “They see me coming!” as he yelps and gyrates against his microphone stand. Live artifact Nude is on the album, and while this track is fabled to be one of Radiohead's most immaculate tracks, the song itself I can only imagine, exists as a replication of the live version. Much in the same vein as an artist might take a photograph of a painting before destroying it (Much like Syd Barret used to do with his art), the new Nude sounds pure and despondent, but still remains as some sort of echo of the previous versions, which one might guess as being absolutely breathtaking. It's hard to nail down which songs exist as the group's opus, as each song seems to have been given the same amount of craftsmanship and attention to mood. Weird Fishes/ Arpeggi gets my vote as most beautiful, as the texture of shimmering guitar arpeggios sink underneath aqueous bass and vocals. The way Thom Yorke harmonizes with himself throughout the song is breathtaking, evoking the beautiful vocal work of some of their older songs such as High and Dry, but this time without any sort of whiny brit-pop frame. Reckoner and Jigsaw Falling Into Place are equally excellent, each existing as powerful mood pieces, each with no obvious hooks but tons of harmony and instrumental interplay. Even though most of these songs exist in some way or another in other Radiohead songs, the sheer amount of creativity and musical “magic” the band manages to work into the songs is staggering. Even when the band rips off R.E.M. With songs like House of Cards, the work is distinctly their own.

My only complaint with the album is the total over-reliance on strings, that while may not be something Radiohead has ever used as a crutch in the past, certainly comes up during most of these songs. Faust ARP, while a good Beatles ape (Ringo Starr's wife), has excessively fromagey string lines float in on balloons of self-importance halfway through the song. All I Need, while an extremely haunting ballad, again suffers from the Spector of presumptious strings. While they definitely are a change from some of the techniques the band uses in songs like 15 Step, where electronic flutterings fill in the gaps, in this age of The Arcade Fire and various other string supergroups, they sound rather uninspired.

By the time the album ends, it's just unbelievable how strong Radiohead still are. Instead of choosing to be innovative giants, they step through another door and become masters of mood and texture once again. God, I'm listening to the album right now for the 50^th time and I swear to God, there is nothing more mesmerizing and haunting then Thom Yorke's voice wafting through the air at the end of Reckoner. If you want to pay a nominal rate for good music, then look no further, because your chance is here. Radiohead deserves the money, if you'll spend it. Was there really any doubt?

Rating: Double D's (Awesome, perky ones)

Download: Eeets a sahprize!

John Lennon & Yoko Ono - Experimental Crap

Hi.

So what we have here are a few albums released by John and Yoko that just suck dogshit. I thought no one would mind if I didn't review these but I recieved an indignant PM the other night and decided to download all three of the experimental John & Yoko albums. They're all masterpieces

more like master pieces of shit lol, i'm sure they had fun doing these albums together but I don't think anyone could tolerate this stuff for too long. My ear for experimental and avant garde isn't as finely tuned as some, but yeah, I can get down with experimental stuff and noise and all that, but this isn't even interesting, it doesn't make me feel like i'm shitting my dick out of my skull, which is how good avant garde crap should sound. This is just John and Yoko dancing around naked with their pee pee sticks out and giggling "whee look how much fun we're having!" so in conclusion, fuck these albums and everyone involved, especially George Harrison. fucking prick

Rating: dogshit

Song: song? LOL

John Lennon & Some Bitch - Some Time In New York City



Rating: 0/10

Song: *_*

John Lennon - Imagine

Why the hell is this cover so goddamn creepy to me? Anyway, I still can't sleep. So I'll review another one of this hack's albums.

Continuing along the same disco-pop vein as the incredibly uplifting Plastic Ono Band, John Lennon belches out another album filled with introspective writing, quiet, homely little tunes, and crappy filler songs I never want to hear again.

Actually, the thing with these John albums thus far is that nothing feels like a filler song, everything seems to fit together like a yummy songwriting jigsaw, it's just that some of these songs are fucking awful. I know John had to get a lot of anger out on Paul because Paul broke up with John to have nasty buttsex with Linda McCartney, but the outrageous bile of "How Do You Sleep" just goes ON and ON with some of the meanest lyrics I've ever heard. Fuck that song, seriously.

Other than that, I guess nothing on here really offends me. I never thought much of "Jealous Guy" despite feeling that the lyrics were pretty awesome and that the whistling segment was so cool, it certainly sounds a lot better in the context in this album. Blah blah blah, I don't know what else to say about this thing. It's basically the same as the last one he did except George Harrison plays some neat guitar on some of the songs. Suffice to say, the obvious George guitar on "Gimme Some Truth" makes it my favorite song on here, the guitar on this is so hypnotic it feels like you're listening to a dream. The other reason it isn't as good as the last one is because he doesn't scream at all and also all the songs are terrib

Rating: Overrated, still resonant, powerful music, but it seems unfocused, John wasn't about songcraft and hearing him trying to pull off actual pop songs while still into the whole sparse production thing just sounds fucking weird. You can't write a pop song unless you got a good hook, just sayin. I mean, jesus, his other half was recording Ram when this came out, can you imagine if the two of them kept working together for a little while longer? We might've seen stuff that would've made Revolver seem like badger shit in comparison.

Also, nothing here is half as visceral as the stuff on Plastic Ono Band. This sounds like a fucking Ringo album, thomas the tank engine bullshit.

Sorry this review sucks, I shouldn't try to cover two BIG IMPORTANT HEAVY albums while I feel this lousy.

Download: The album!

John Lennon - John Lennon/Plastic Ono Band

Well this isn't exactly easy listening after subjecting myself to a couple dozen Paul McCartney albums this month. To be honest, I'm not sure what music to listen to after going through all that. I listened to some Jesus & Mary Chain and got about halfway through the new Neil Young before wanting to go do something else(seemed pretty good, just wasn't in the mood.)

My ears are really itchy right now. So this was probably what fans wanted to hear from John after the demise of everyone's favorite pop band. Paul was off recording these cute, weird, but brilliant pop albums like McCartney and Ram while John, predictably, was doing the exact opposite. You know you've released your big artistic statement to the world when the only song that even has something resembling a pop hook is talking about how terrible institutions are or screaming about your worthless and/or dead parents. I'm in kind of a shitty mood right now, so I figured the sparse epic bullshit of a fucking John Lennon album would sort of fit my mood right now.

Well, it sure did! Talk about some fucking minimal songwriting, can you believe Phil Spector produced this shit? It sure sounds professional and everything but all we hear on this album is a little bit of piano, scratchy electric guitars and some noodly bass performed by some old fuck. I'm aware John Lennon is a genius and everything, but he doesn't even sound like a musician on here, just some poet who scammed a bunch of assholes to play some scratchy instruments with him after a coke binge in the middle of the woods. Talk about depressing.

John was always the one who liked to be self referential and crack wise about Beatles lore while he was with that particular group, and he's completely uninhibited on here about it. Near the end of the last "real" song, "God" he's all like "I don't believe in Beatles!" and "I only believe in me, Yoko and me." A huge artistic statement, letting the publics collective hearts sink as he dashes any hope for a reunion in just a few words. Astonishing and powerful stuff. Paul might've been the control freak and everything on those last albums, but lyrics like these, it's pretty obvious who everyone was still looking up to for the final word on anything Beatley.

This is actually a pretty great album, but god, who would possibly think throwing this on at 1 in the morning sounds like a good time?

Rating: Brilliant art, not so much great music or anything, something any fan of The Beatles should definitely hear at least once, or if you just get your kicks by hearing a dude pour his heart and soul into something for forty minutes.

Download: The album!

Paul McCartney - Memory Almost Full

DID YOU KNOW that exactly one year ago today, Dan published the first Solid Little Rock Jams album review EVER? And it was FUCKING MCCARTNEY???!?!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!! FUCKING "KREEN-AKORE"!!!!! GREAT ALBUM OR GREATEST ALBUM, SERIOUSLY?????!!!

Anyways, about a month ago, some handsome devil over here had the bright idea to review all of (well, the rest of) the McCartney albums, and in the middle of it, some fucking asshole cuntface realized that with some fine tweaking, we would be able to make the final McCartney review line up with the one year anniversary of SLRJ, which JUST SO HAPPENS to have been the first Paul McCartney album! So how 'bout that for some shit.

This is the new Paul McCartney album! You know what, earlier this year, I wasn't actually interested in hearing this album. Then it suddenly occurred to me that this thing is the NEW PAUL MCCARTNEY ALBUM. I mean, seriously. Paul McCartney. Paul fucking McCartney. This guy knows a thing or two about writing awesome songs, right? Yes, yes he does. Why would anybody deny that. I have not a clue, no.

Paul is an old person, but this is not old people music. Paul is better than that. He's not some shitty guy like Sting or Eric Clapton or somebody. He's Paul fucking McCartney, okay? This is just an album of awesomely assembled pop song things, a lot of which have ass-fuckingly gorgeous melodies. The three song run of "Ever Present Past," "See Your Sunshine," and "Only Mama Knows" absolutely slays me. "Ever Present Past" is the single, right? This song is wonderful. Why are these songs so fucking angry-sounding? Seriously, this and Driving Rain are just totally brutal. And that makes sense because he started this record before Chaos & Creation. What the fuck was he so angry about? Maybe I'm totally off with calling this stuff "angry," but all of these minor key melodies and pissed-off rockers like "Only Mama Knows"... what's going on here? What happened to "How Kind of You" and "English Tea" and all that stuff on the last album? They were such McCartney songs, those. There's a lot of weird shit on here. I mean, some of the hooks are really immediate, but Paul seems more concerned with rocking the fuck out or showering us with vocoder harmonies or being a weird artsy prick with "Mr. Bellamy"... not so much cutesiness here, huh.

Rating: IT'S ALMOST MIDNIGHT AND I NEED TO WRAP THIS UP. THIS ALBUM IS WORTH YOUR TIME. IT'S DIFFERENT. PAUL MCCARTNEY IS A GENIUS AND NOT SHITTY. LISTEN TO ALL OF HIS ALBUMS EXCEPT FOR PIPES OF PEACE, FLOWERS IN THE DIRT, and OFF THE GROUND, WHICH ARE ALL HORRIBLE.

Song: "Ever Present Past"... single of the year, right. Right.

Paul McCartney - Chaos & Creation In The Backyard

So here we are.

My final Paul McCartney review on Solid Little Rock Jams, or at least until he puts out a new album. Nevertheless, I feel a little choked up loading up the old bloggin' app as I was sitting down to write this thing.

Thankfully, Paul is giving me a wonderful send off, this is THE album. Paul might be a dusty, wrinkled piece of shit these days, but those old bones still have an ear for wonderful composition. It doesn't hurt that he hooked up with Mr. Radiohead himself, Nigel Godrich to produce this album. From what I heard, Nigel just basically tore Paul a new asshole and told him not to record a shitty album. So Paul sat down and ended up recording almost every restaurant
by himself, just him! A McCartney III, just not in name.

Nigel just a great job here bringing out the melodies, but who gives a shit? I don't really want to accredit this albums success to him at all. That would be the total cliche thing to do, I think you really got to hand this one to Paul, instead. Some of his most pleasant compositions he's ever done. I've always like his sparse instrumentalization, it really helps compliment his knack for simple melodies. Paul's voice is very well presented in the mix, as well, delivering some of the best lyrics of his solo career, lyrics were never Paul's thing, and they still really aren't, to be blunt, but it's nice to hear him actually try on these last few releases. He rarely if ever fills out a vocal line by "oooing" (unless it's actually justified) these days.

Fuck, this album's great. Let's look through song by song, because I haven't done this in awhile.

Fine Line - Bouncy fuckin piano poop. My friend Lance hates it for some reason. Lance sucks
How Kind Of You - This one's a fucking stunner, perhaps best complimented by the Radiohead-esque guitars that are all over the second half. I mean, don't worry, shit doesn't sound like The Bends or Amnesiac or whatever, but they're pleasant. Paul should dig out the electric more often.
Some song - can't remember, Jenny Wren? Probably could've been helped out if that huge black drummer had been on it
Friends to go please! - Paul sings about ordering a bowl of french fries and a small baby boy to eat and molest.
PErhaps the most disturbing lyrics of his career, such as "When I get home I shit my guts/your vag is dryer than king tuts. It's probably about Heather.
How Kind Of You - they put this on twice for some reason
Too Much Rain - absolutely heavenly vocal line, he's so old, how the hell does he still have such a great vocal range?
Some other songs - boring filler just kidding vanity fair makes me shoot loads
The Last Two tracks - I think the first was a single, it's once again, got a pleasant melody.

So there you have it, legendary album. Paul's embracing his greatest talents, mainly his ability to write absolutely gorgeous, yet simple melodies, and his reputation as being quite the multi-instrumentalist. Driving Rain was great, but I love it when he does albums like these, Paul can get pretty boring when he over-produces his shit and there's just too much filler crap everywhere. None of that here, just delivering gorgeous melody after gorgeous melody like so many bowls of jizz.

he also broke up with his wife after this album, fuck that bitch, I hope he gave her an ol' crack on the head with that gimp robot leg of hers.


Rating: His best album in almost twenty years. Completes what I think is a wonderful trilogy of Flaming Pie/Driving Rain/Chaos & Creation of latter day creativity. I just hope he can keep up, His new album might even be better than this one, too. It's unbelievable the streak this guy is on, how long can someone keep this up? I guess if there's one person who could do it, it's Paul.

Thanks.

Song: "English Tea" - His gayest song ever! Awesome.

Paul McCartney - Back In The U.S.

Back In The U.S, get it? GET IT!??!?! EH!!! He wrote a littly ditty about forty years ago and he puns and slams the shit out the title, ahahahaha!!! So fuckin funny!! Paul, "the funny one." Fuck Gringu, guy didn't seem like much of a laugh when i fucked his mother

anyway here's another live album, thankfully the last, I don't know how I got stuck with reviewing nearly all of these. What the hell is the point to these? The up side is that this one has without a doubt Paul's tightest band assembled so far. He went the Billy Corgan route and recruited an ethnic band because we all know minorities are better at everything.

I actually like this live album better than the others, mainly because it's coming off a strong record so the obligatory cuts supporting Driving Rain actually are some of the stronger songs. I can't even remember those awful late 80s/early 90s cuts of fart. Thirdly, the sound quality is a bit clearer, but there are too many fucking Ruties songs on here! I applaud the cocksucker for actually playing something from McCartney II, but the dude plays for hours, why not throw the hardcore fans a bone and play some obscure shit instead of the same fucking "Hey Jude" sing-alongs over and over? Where's "That Would Be Something?" Where's "Wild Life?" Where the fuck is "Old Siam, Sir?" If I had such an extensive catalogue with such a sheer amount of negro talent behind me, I'd totally switch shit up. Fucking trying to please the old people in the audience. Paul needs to GIVE ME INDIE ROCK

Rating: This serves as a nice greatest hits package for your parents or something, I'd still stick with Wings Over America as the definitive live Paul package, even though that still sort of sucks ass LOL

Song:

Paul McCartney - Driving Rain

First of all, did this album come in a slipcase or something? Because I'm familiar with two covers, one of which is pictured above, and one of which is possibly the ugliest, most ridiculous cover ever to grace the front of a Macca masterwork (and man, if you're familiar with this dude's album covers, that is some feat, it is.) I mean, look at this fucking shit:



If he is wanting to be taken seriously with this album, well, that alternate cover art is not helping one bit. Truly the Paul Is Live of our generation.

Anyways, the album. Paul has definitely not lost it. Dude is not about to just rehash the same old shit. This time, he's back with what I believe is a hip backing band of young musicians. Are these the same dudes who played on Live 8? The enormous black/hispanic drummer? The fiery young turk of a guitarist? Whoever the fuck else? There clearly is a band on this one, at least. Listen to how ridiculously over-the-top the drumming is. And the guitars! This is clearly some guy who isn't Paul McCartney playing guitars.

And it rocks quite a bit! Hell, I'd go so far as to say that a lot of these songs are downright ANGRY-SOUNDING, perhaps moreso than "Angry" itself. Have you heard "About You," mang? What a menacing little rocker this thing is. And more than half of "Heather" is this totally pissed off intro thing. Steve Miller and Ringo Starr clearly gave select Flaming Pie tracks a "band" feel, but even then, Paul was playing many instruments on those tracks himself. Here, though, there's just this total full-band sound, it's awesome! And different! Flowers In The Dirt and Off The Ground often sounded totally angry and rocking, but man, they sucked! I guess this is how Paul copes with the losses of things? By getting together with a band and just rocking out? Like he did by forming Wings after the Beatles broke up and unleashing their grindcore masterpiece Wild Life. Now his wife is gone, and he just needs to let all of his sadness and grief out by jamming for ten minutes on "Rinse The Raindrops." I just respect the shit out of that. Really. Paul is definitely not just some shitty old guy here. At an hour long, this is quite the ambitious album. Some cool surprises, too. Not only is the extended hard-rock barn-stormer "Rinse The Raindrops" here, but right before it is "Riding Into Jaipur." Is that one a George Harrison tribute or what? Total indian music shit. I'm down with it.

Another thing about "Rinse The Raindrops"... what the fuck happens around the seven and a half minute mark? Does Paul seriously put ridiculous delay on every instrument? Shit, that's something I do to make my own home-made music as annoying and unlistenable as possible. Fuck yeah, Paul.

Rating: The hooks aren't totally immediate. This is more of a band-oriented release, perhaps even lyrics-oriented. Thus, it is already quite an underrated item in his catalog. Very much worth hearing. Paul hasn't been totally lame for nearly a decade at this point. This shit is danged VITAL, it is. Excellent album.

Song: "About You"... KICK AXE!!!

Paul McCartney - Run Devil Run

The sequel to CHOBA B CCCP, in some ways, well, it pretty much is, it's the exact same premise. His wife had just died when this album came out, this was the first we had heard from Paul.

You'd think he'd release some deep, introspective record exorcising his demons, but you know, Paul isn't that kind of guy. He's Mr. Beatle, "Yesterday" himself, the writer of such classics as "Angry" and "Ebony and Ivory," that white dude who sang with black people all the time in the early eighties. The whole world knows who he is but we've never actually gotten to know him. dozens of albums, decades worth of music, and we've never heard Paul simply mourn, or cry. There's been flashes of introspection here and there, specifically on these last few records he's been doing, but I get the feeling that when Paul finally kicks it, he'll still remain a mystery. We all know who John Lennon was, or whatever he decided to be depending on what era we're talking about. We had a pretty clear idea of who George was, too. Namely that he was as boring as a fucking library full of books on church.

Paul, however, what do we know? We know he likes writing silly love songs, yes, we know he loved his wife, but why? What are his thoughts on life, love, and his pursuit of billions of dollars? I suppose I can't really blame him, when you've been in the public eye since you were 20 years old with pretty much ever move of your career and personal life always under unyielding criticism, you probably would be hesitant of wearing your heart on your sleeve too.

So, needless to say, this is pretty much exactly what we'd expect from Paul is his fragile state of bachelordom. He releases an album of throwbacks to 1950s rock n' roll. Songs he probably knows by heart, songs that probably bring him better solace than his own songs bring me. Maybe we were expecting him to open up a little, but everyone heals in their own way, I guess.

Rating: Definitely better than the forgettable 80s piece of garbage. This one is put together by a group of all-stars. Krist Novoselic on Bass, and Alfalfa from the little rascals beating the shit out of drums. I think David Gilmour plays on all the boring songs because he's a boring old faggot.

I realize this review didn't really talk about the music that much, but there isn't much to say, the covers are all nice, and the originals are definitely hot to trot. Paul's definitely trying much harder than he has ever has in his career, and it shows.

Song: I don't know, this is kinda a filler album, so no song.

Paul McCartney - Flaming Pie

Paul's first good album in a long fucking while. The true comeback. He's not trying to play hip overproduced rock music with some shitty band anymore. Dude is simply writing awesome pop songs and recording the shit out of them, with help from some of his friends. Most awesomely though, he's back to playing most of the instruments! Bass, guitars, drums, piano, all sorts of assorted keyboard shit, everything. He's a fucking genius, man.

He's also one oldass dude at this point. And you can tell from his lyrics! Not just a bunch of silly shit about dragonflies or whatever. No lameass "save the environment" crap, either. "The Song We Were Singing" is some serious 60s nostalgia shit! But he's clearly an old, old dude. I mean, the fucking thing opens with the lyric, "For a while, we could sit, smoke a pipe and discuss all the vast intricacies of life"... shit yeah, Paul. And then there are these songs about how he's old and loves his wife, and then "Little Willow" is about some friend of his who died, and man, this is a lovely album.

"Young Boy" is awesome! Beautiful pop shit with kickass Steve Milller lead guitar. This whole album rules a bitch. No lame production tricks or anything. No horrible songs. Okay, so there are a couple bluesy "rocking numbers" that sort of suck, but they are few and far between, so fuck you! Man, fuck Nigel Godrich, too. This isn't that much worse than the highly acclaimed Chaos & Creation & Backyard, really. Awesome album, that one, but man, Paul wrote awesome songs on here, too! And played most of the instruments, for that matter. Sure, there's no Radioheady guitar bits and attempts to really be hip with the kids, but who cares? This is a fine, fine record.

Oh, fuck, I am listening to "Used To Be Bad" and it sounds like ZZ Top or some crap. Forget about when I said that the bluesy "rocking numbers" sucked a dick.

Rating: It's excellent. He's done sucking.

Song: "Press"... not from this album, but I don't have any of it on my computer and am too lazy to rip any of the songs just to upload, so fuck it. Just tell me to PRESS!!!!! RIGHT THERE!!!! THAT'S IT!!!!!!!!!

Paul McCartney - Paul Is Live

Commenting on the music on this bloated piece of buttpoo is sort of a waste of time. Can we just talk about the cover of the album, please? I mean, seriously, have you ever seen anything more awesome? It's just awesome on so many levels. The fact that Abbey Road is one of the most famous, respect albums of all time, and Paul parodies it for a fucking live album in 1993 LOL.

I mean, the cover doesn't even make any fucking sense! He's standing like a total asshole and there's some hairy fuckin dog on the cover. What's the point of the stupid fucking dog??? What the hell is going on here? The only thing that could possibly make this better is if he included his enormously black drummer on the cover as well.

I digress, though. Paul Is Live is fun for the whole family, it actually has some pretty obscure cuts compared to the usual P-mac fare, and there's no overlap from the last album. So, if you really want to waste a bunch of money. Be sure to pick this up. Otherwise, buy some sandwiches, they're tasty.

Rating: Who would ever buy this.

Song: yeah right

Paul McCartney - Off The Ground

For the second time in his career, Paul has decided to release an ultra serious, ultra boring album. I'm not sure why he's bothering with the whole singer-songwriter crap rather than just writing glorious pop songs with synths and crazy, goofy lyrics everywhere. There's not one goofy lyric or voice on this album. No playfulness, just ultra serious, tepid rock songs galore!

It's okay, I guess, but it just feels way more like coasting than albums that actually try and do something new or exciting. I'm just not a fan of 90s McCartney at all. I understand the dudes like 4000 years old by the time this album came out, but as proven by later albums, the well of talent hadn't completely dried up at this point.

The other major problem, CDs had been invented now, and even a dinosaur like Paul realized you could fit more material on a CD than a LP, so this album comes in just way too long. It's only 50 minutes, but 50 minutes of Paul McCartney straight? Not much of an idea. Maybe his head was big after everyone lapped up Flowers when I Splurt like Chevy Chase's butternut cum.

Rating: It's not bad, it's better than the last one, and there are at least a couple "above average" songs on here. Actually, it is bad, I hate this album and the one before it too. Fuck this shit. I could be listening to millions of more interesting albums than this, like Press To Play.

Song: C'mon People - EPIC SHIT LOL

Paul McCartney - Unplugged

So, back in the early 90s, there was this show called The Real World that was really popular with young MTV kids. So Paul appeared on it and guested and recorded this album there. What the hell can I say about it? The only unplugged performance worth a damn is Nirvana's and everyone knows this. Paul's, however, is actually pretty important because I'm sure a big-name bucket of scum like himself appearing on it soiled a few old womens depends.

And, to give him credit, he covers a lot of old shit on here and doesn't play any shitty Paul songs from Flowers In The Dirt, in fact, he plays the two best songs from McCartney; "Junk" and "That Would Be Something," a couple lesser known(but still great) Beatles numbers, and then a bunch of bebopping black people stuff. It's nice. It's not great or anything, but I'd take this over any of "serious musician" bullshit of this era anyday.

Rating: Eh, completely non-essential, but when you listen to it, it's not like you'll think it sucks.

Song: whatever, we don't do these for live albums.

Paul McCartney - Tripping The Live Fantastic

Why the fuck would I want to listen to Paul McCartney and his backing band for the Flowers In The Dirt tour play a bunch of Beatles songs? And this is a double album, mind you. 16 or so of these 37 tracks are Beatles songs! That's a lot. Too many. Defeats the purpose of these things.

And they're all like this, aren't they? Sad, really. What about all the great Wings deep cuts? What about "Bogey Music"? Do the old shit a favor and leave it the fuck alone, or at least don't rely so heavily on it all the time for the live albums, especially if the live albums are going to be more than one disc long. At least Wings Over America had "Magneto & Titanium Man" and a bunch of other kickass shit.

And how about that awful cover that looks like it was assembled with Kid Pix? Paul McCartney sucks.

Rating: Why bother? I didn't.

Song: Nothing.

Paul McCartney - Flowers In The Dirt

Paul's big comeback after "losing plot" during the 80s. He's back to making mature pop/rock, everybody (as if he ever even did that!) And not in the shitty Pipes of Peace way. This is just a bunch of songs. Some co-written with Elvis Costello, some with backing vocals by Elvis Costello. Ah, Elvis Costello. Such a jolly, glasses-wearing fellow. When I see him, I say hellohhh!!!!!

This is a pleasant enough album. But I'm not so sure about the whole "comeback" thing. I mean, there's no way that these songs are significantly better than those on Press To Play. The production is still really 80s sounding, but unless you think that crazy synths and goofy lyrics about fucking qualify an album as unequivocally bad, then I'm not sure how you could honestly say that Flowers In The Dirt is a snooze-inducing festival of unremarkableness in comparison to the album's absolutely stellar predecessor.

Rating: Not bad, but nothing to get excited about. Hardly the "comeback" that it was promoted as.

Song: "My Brave Face" ...the first song on this album. It was the first single, I believe. It's actually really great. Probably the best thing on here.

Paul McCartney - Choba B CCCP

CLASSIC RIFF ROCKERS
PAUL MCCARTNEY SMOKING POLE
ONLY SOLD TO THE FUCKING RUSSIANS FUCK THE REST OF THE WORLD
RUSSIANS KNOW REAL ROCK N ROLL


RATING: WHAT THE FUCK?? THIS ALBUM HAS NO REASON TO EXIST! ITS JUST A BUNCH OF FUCKING COVER SONGS WITH GUITARS?? WHO WANTS TO HEAR A PAUL ALBUM WITH GUITARS IN THEM AFTER THE SYNTH MASTERPIECES OF PRESS TO PLAY AND GIVE MY REGARDS TO A BROAD?

TIED WITH PIPES OF PEACE AS AN UTTER PIECE OF SHIT, FUCK THIS ALBUM AND EVERYONE WHO LIKES IT

SONG: None, they all suck ass.

Paul McCartney - Press To Play

So, after listening to this album, I'm not absolutely positive about the whole "the 1980s was the worst decade for pop music ever" argument that seems to be rammed into every major rock critics head. Paul McCartney, at least, deserves a critical re-evaluation. Everything I read about this album led me believe that Paul had finally just completely lost it with this one, that there was nothing even slightly redeemable about the record and that even Paul himself has pretty much eliminated it from his canon. I mean, when was the last tour where he played "Angry?" or "Press?" Classic songs, to be sure, but classic in a sense that "Oh my god, Paul McCartney, a former Beatle recorded these songs!" It pulls these otherwise pleasant numbers into a field that transcends standard pop, a new field of excellence. Press To Play is not only Paul's best record since McCartney II, it's also one of the finest of the decade.

I mean, I can't even begin to explain to you the absurdity of this album. It's brilliant. Paul McCartney WROTE this, or at least co-wrote it, apparently he brought some eighties douchebag in here to make everything a bit more shitty and even more hilarious. I mean, god, even these lyrics. "Perhaps we should write a secret code, for when we explode" or something along those lines. I'm paraphrasing because if I were to actually type the actual lyrics out, my head would explode and shit would shoot out like a geyser due to the absurdity.

In all seriousness though, "Talk More Talk" and "Stranglehold" are glorious pop numbers, I can't see how they could be critically maligned in any sense. The bubbling synths and rip-roaring bullshit noises everywhere. Brilliant. Why does an old guy have to have an acoustic guitar and sing about mature themes to get any critical respect? If Paul made an album like this right now, it'd be amazing, but the simple truth is that he can't anymore. Once you hit 50 or 60, the only albums you can write have to be quiet and introspective. Thankfully, Paul hasn't really given into this yet. His albums now, while acoustic-driven typically, have excellent little pop songs on them. I don't really see Paul doing his "Sign O' The Times" or Rick Rubin-produced Johnny Cash albums. Paul is a billionaire, he thinks everyone already loves him, he has no reason to release a masterwork of sincerity, and while I'll get into this later when we review those albums, it's pretty clear that Paul simply does not give a fuck. He shits on your money! He uses it to wipe his ass! Fuck, this album is amazing.

Guys, I'm not kidding here, there's this song called "Angry" with Pete Townsend and PHIL FUCKING COLLINS on drums, and Paul shouts all over this glorious mess with lyrics like
WHAT THE HELL GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE?

Oh my god, I was looking at the lyrics for some of these songs, and at the bottom of the page it says "The hottest songs from Paul McCartney" on the bottom of the page for the "Angry" lyrics. Oh man, so awesome.
Rating: Wish I could have heard this album more before I reviewed it, but I'm on my Dad's computer at home, 10/10 of course.

Song: Paves, please edit this post and include a sendspace link to "Angry." FUCK YEAH, HERE IS A LINK, LOL DAN IS TOTALLY RIGHT ABOUT THIS ALBUM

Paul McCartney - Give My Regards To Broad Street

I don't know why the fuck my parents own a vinyl copy of this.

"No More Lonely Nights" is one of the best songs he ever did. This thing also has "Wanderlust" and "Ballroom Dancing" from Tug of War which both rule a bitch.

I can't remember if any of the re-recordings of Beatles songs sound like anything. I haven't heard this in like, 12 years or something.

Also, the movie is pretty much awful. Just a complete fucking mess. Paul McCartney sucks.

Rating: 10/10

Song: I'm writing a paper right now. I have 500 words to go or something like that. I am not about to put any effort into reviewing horrible Paul McCartney albums.

Paul McCartney - Pipes of Peace

The new Radiohead album came out yesterday and it didn't finish downloading before I had to leave the house so I got stuck listening to this piece of shit on the way to school.

And it sucks. The low-point of his career. What's with all the "serious statements" about racial equality and children and war and all this shit? This is pretty much Tug of War if that album was completely awful. Nothing interesting about these songs whatsoever. I never want to listen to it again.

Rating: Shitty. At least his next proper studio album elevated him to new heights of greatness.

Song: They all suck.

Paul McCartney - Tug Of War

John Lennon was dead, George Harrison's career had become a joke, and Ringo was entertaining black children all across Africa as the conductor of Shining Time Station. Enter 1982, the setting of Paul's new solo record. Understandably, the guy took a year off to deal with the grief of the grisly murder of his favorite Rottweiler, but unfortunately didn't spend that year off working on this album because it's a step down from McFartney II.

Well, not really. McFartney II was Weezer's Make Believe of 1980. A fun, hilarious album that while, compositionally and lyrically, might be lacking, but certainly not lacking in the sheer enjoyment you get out of listening to it. McFartney II works because no one who actually bought it was expecting a real album, they just wanted to hear Paul wave his dick all over the place and secrete a couple great classics like "Temporary Secretary."

Tug Of War is the exact opposite of that effort, Paul decided to get professional and hire crusty old George Martin, who was already 600 years old at this time. I think it's a dull, predictable choice, and while it may have given him some cred, I don't think it paid off. This doesn't sound like a Beatles album, just another 1980s pop record. but a good 1980s pop record. Paul tries a bit of everything here like he did on the last record, but you can tell George was there to spank Paul badly on his cute little british buttocks whenever he started to get too weird. Everything here is tight, firm, and full o' hooks. The first half of the record doesn't do too much for me, it's the second half that really shines. "Ballroom Dancing," a simple song about a couple fighting or something and then dancing in a ballroom and going to bed smelling each others feces is a great song. I really like it.

Why does he sing with all these black people for this album and the next one? Is Paul trying to get in touch with his inner negro? the McCartney/Wonder songs just make me fucking LOL in their ridiculousness and they aged terribly. Still, the 1-2-3 punch of "Ballroom Dancing," "The Pound is Sinking," (Paul's take on a collapsing economy, it's fun, cute, classic Paul) and "Wanderlust" might be the best 3 piece suite of his solo career up to this point. Still an overrated work, but respectable, and thouroughly enjoyable.

Man, there are like no dick jokes in this review, I actually have to get to class soon so I sort of dashed this off in a few minutes.

Rating: Paul releases the biggest pussy-munching album of his career thus far. Oh, right! I should mention the obligatory Lennon tribute song "Here Today," all the beatles did one of these(except Ringo, but Lennon still owed Ringo a big mac so Gringo hates Lenin with a fiery passion because without Big Macs Gringo's penis starts to swell until it explodes because Gringo is a robot that is fueled by meat and cheese, Gringo Starr hasn't had a dick since the early 1980s, which is why his career has had the least success because with no penis to jerk off for release, Ringo is pretty much angry all the time).

"Here Today" is touching, not exactly tear-jerking, and maybe a bit underwhelming considering if anyone had something to say about the dude, it was Paul. It's pleasant, but don't let it be the reason for you to pick this up, you'd be disappointed.

Song: "Ballroom Dancing"

Paul McCartney - McFartney II

Remember how Paul's first album was just a bunch of home-recorded, half-assed 4-track bullshit? This is more of that, pretty much. But wait! It's 1980 or something and Paul has a DRUM MACHINE and SYNTHESIZERS and all this shit. We're not just stuck with shitty acoustic guitars this time around. Not just a bunch of dicking around here. This, my friends, is THE FUTURE OF MUSIC.

Oh, did I say music? More like "Bogey Music"! And did I say "not just a bunch of dicking around here"? LOL @ that statement, seriously. Do you like filler? This is pretty much a whole album of the stuff. Everything from completely worthless, synthy instrumentals, to lazy-as-shit "rock 'n roll" crap, to some seriously OUT THE ASS sap ballads. Seriously, "Summer's Day Song"? "One of These Days"? How fucking lame are these songs? I mean, they're awesome and all, but shit. They just ain't as unembarassingly great as "The Back Seat of My Car." Or "My Love," for that matter. Yet the production is so fucking weird, and Paul clearly wasn't recording these songs with the intention of having anybody hear them, it doesn't really matter that they're totally pussyish.

"Waterfalls" is also an out-the-ass sap ballad, but it's also one of the most beautiful melodies he ever wrote. And the fuckin' thing is so goshdarn MINIMAL! There's a couple keyboards and that's it. Wasn't this a minor hit back in the day? Kind of a weird song to propel an unknown such as Paul McJagger to instant stardom. Also, it contains the lyric, "Don't go chasing polar bears/in the great unknown/some big friendly polar bear/might want to take you home." Shit almost manages to beat "I was talking to an Eskimo/said he was hoping for a fall of snow/when up popped a sea lion ready to go" in the "tantalizing arctic imagery" department.

Of course, the real treat here is the absolutely fucking mind-melting "Temporary Secretary." Over a "bass-snare-bass-snare" drum machine beat and one of the most fucked up arpeggiated synth lines to ever grace AN OFFICIALLY RELEASED SINGLE BY A FORMER BEATLE (!!!), Paul pretty much sings what might just be the most blatantly sexist lyrics he has ever written. In double-tracked monotone robot vocals, for that matter!!! He needs some worthless female to ride his cock for a bit! His reg-u-lar has been getting sick! Mr. Marks better send her quick! You need to listen to these lyrics, seriously. They're disgusting. Also, Paul yelling "I NEED AH!!!! I NEED AH!!!!!" at the 1:53 mark is perhaps the highpoint of his career as a musician. Not joking at all. This song just fucking destroys me. Seriously, around the 0:06 mark there are these two or three acoustic guitar strums that seem clearly left in by accident. What the fuck was anybody doing releasing this crap as "the new Paul McCartney album"?

I mean, one of the tracks is called "Frozen Jap." What the fuck was wrong with this dude? Best part is that right before deciding to release this thing, he spent nine days in A JAPANESE PRISON CELL (perhaps this brings us closer to the mystery of that wonderful, wonderful song title?) for carrying a bunch of pot in his luggage. Awesome, right? Fuck trying to have a "rock band" or whatever. Paul had seen the future, and the future involved running around with cows and sheep and goats on his farm like a jackass and dicking around with synthesizers. Not until Chaos & Creation In The Backyard would he revisit the overdub-happy one-man-album format! And that album actually sounds like competently made "normal music," but that's because Nigel Godrich MAN, I WAS GOING TO MAKE A JOKE ABOUT NIGEL GODRICH, BUT LET ME JUST SAY THAT THE NEW FUCKING RADIOHEAD ALBUM COMES OUT TOMORROW AND I'M OVER HERE REVIEWING FUCKING MCCARTNEY II, SERIOUSLY, FUCK EVERYBODY.

Rating: One of the most enjoyable start-to-finish albums Paul ever cut. So many wonderfully bizarre experiments. None of this "trying to be a rock band" or "trying to be taken seriously" or any of that shit. What the hell could be more exciting than PAUL-FUCKING-MCCARTNEY just not giving a fuck and shitting out all these diverse, goofy defamations of the very concept of "pop music" or whatever? Genius. Absolute fucking genius.

Song: "Temporary Secretary"... has to be heard to be believed. Fuck.

Wings - Back To The Egg

And so we kiss the Wings era goodbye with this album. Right! Let's take a look at the album cover first. What's going on there? Paul Mccartney was smoking so much weed he apparently felt his band of Linda McChicken, Denny Restaurant and Sideman Mcwhogivesfuck were interstellar superstars and after releasing the critically acclaimed London Town, voted by most people as the best album ever recorded by a group of fruit flavored faggots. Wings were certainly flying high. Flying so high that they were about to crash from their excesses. A few hours after this album came out Paul McCartney was shot and killed in japan for smoking pot. Consequently, Denny Liane released a press statement that the band was breaking up and him and Linda McRib were going to butt fuck everyday and every night atop Paul's frosty ice cream grave.

Hey, did you guys know this is actually a great album? It's the best one they did besides Band On The Run, I personally believe so. See, Paul wanted to stay current, even though he had pretty much no reason to do so. He has tons of money, plenty of juicy pussies to fuck...so why even bother???

Well, I'm glad he bothered, because these songs rule!! They certainly make the last couple albums look like pieces of shit in comparison, not that they already weren't completely awful but hey, let's go easy on the guy, by the time this album came out, Paul was already eighty years old and still had the lyrical brain of a beefy manchild. He didn't know what "punk rock" or "new wave" and probably heard Elvis Costello taking a dump on his chest one day and decided "I'll make my new album sound like this!" Paul quickly jiggled into the studio and laid down a bunch of exciting rockers. Except they weren't exciting at all and were just a bunch of generic Paul rockers with a big of punk-flare in an attempt to stay culturally relevant.

Well, it was a complete and utter failure. No one bought this album, some people downloaded it off of soulseek though. Paul decided that his band had met his end and killed himself by plunging his car into a goddamn river. He made sure his wifes dead raped body was in the trunk.

Rating: Pretty competent Paul rockers. They're all really short so you don't get too bored. Plus there's some really beautiful ballads on here like "We're Open Tonight" and "Winter Rose-Love Awake." The first one is nearly haunting in it's beauty. His best one minute throwaway since "Junk" ten years ago.

Song: Old Siam Sir -
The best Paul McNugget shouty rocker we've heard since "Oh Darling." Who knew he still had it in him? Sound like a Sleater-Kinney song. It's just as blistering, and just as gay!

Wings - London Town

DENNY LAINE CUMS IN MY EARS AND IN MY EYES
BONERS SHOOT POO ALL OVER MY THIGHS
I SHIT ON HIS VILE CRACK

THERE IS A WINGS MEMBER WHO LIKES IT SMELLY ON HIS BALLS
HIS LITTLE ROD IS JUTTING IN AND OUT OF PAUL
AND WHEN PAUL SAYS, "HEY, BUD, I DIG YOUR BALL
IT DOESN'T SMELL AT ALL"

TRUMPET SOLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.bcxzvvkdstyz87ft5E$%^›flfi›fl$%YhmZ zx vxzcvbnnvb

And that's this album for you, pretty much.

Rating: As a lad, when I used to see this album in the racks (THAT'S WHAT I CALLED MY MOM'S TITS BACK THEN LOL), I always figured, "Oh, wow, this must be some sort of ultra-mature, focused, back-to-basics sort of album, 'cause it's just Paul, Linda, and Denny like on Band on the Run. And the cover is all awesome and 'mature' so the music must be totally well-mannered and not embarassing at all."

Well, years later, I looked a bit more closely at the cover and realized that it's actually pretty awful. Everybody looks Photoshopped in. If they were trying to make it look like they actually went out by some London body of water bridge fuckin' thing and took a picture in front of it, they failed miserably. Sorry, dudes. And Linda and Denny both look like they're missing pieces of their brains. Just look at those fuckers! Who the fuck told them to pose like that? And who picked out the font and color for the title? I do not appreciate this shit at all.

Hot on the heels of the hyper mega smash twin towers of brilliance that are Wings At The Speed of Sound and Wings Over America, the other band members pretty much realized one of/or two things: "Hey, I suck!" or "Hey, this band sucks!" So they left the band. And now it's back to Paul and his two possibly worthless collaborators Denny Laine and Linda P. McGriddlecakes. Just like on Hand On My Fun, which was great precisely because Sir Cunt Slop was not trying to have Wings "act like a band," but instead focused on just assembling cool songs in the 'ol recording studio for the sole purpose of making a rad album. Fuck this "Showing this BAND'S democracy and ability to ROCK! Like a BAND!" crap! That's not what Paul needs to be doing, no. Certainly not at this juncture in time, at least.

No, see, Paul just needs to channel his energies into bringing the awesome pop melodies. And for a good portion of this album, that's what Macadamia Vagina Nuts appears to be doing! I mean, look at how it starts off. The title track is some totally relaxed soft-rock crap. And dig those keyboards! All sorts of fun little keyboard things on this album. It's followed by "Cafe On The Left Bank," which is some seriously frenzied disco squad car chase bullshit. And "I'm Carrying" is next and it's this beautiful ballad... and so right there, you have a set of three diverse, HIGH QUALITY pop songs. Killer melodies that have had much effort put into them, obviously! Totally chilled out production. Great for coming down from your coke buzz. Very nice, these bros.

But then, man, the next two songs are both under two minutes! One sounds like Paul forgot to finish it, and the other one is just this minute long funky thing. And then "Children Children" is next and it's AWFUL. Denny Laine sings it! Remember when I said that "You've Got The Answer" was the fruitiest thing I'd ever heard? Well, I miscalculated somewhere, 'cause this song definitely claims that title. What a bunch of bouncy fucking minstreal asshole eating this song is. But it has quite the infectious melody, so I can't piss on it too much. But, man, they really should have left this one off the album.

Or not. This album is just too fucking long. 50 minutes is too much for a danged Wings album. "Morse Moose & The Grey Goose" is wholly unnecessary. "Cafe On The Left Bank" already did the corny spy music thing, but at least that one had a great melody and was half as long. The first three songs are undeniably fantastic, as is the falsetto negro soul of "Girlfriend." "Famous Groupies" is pretty well-liked, too. By me, sometimes. And "Deliver Your Children" is like some instant classic shit, right here. The two "hard rockers" on this thing... I don't have much of an opinon of them. Nor of the other songs. "Don't Let It Bring You Down" is not the Neil Young song of the same name, and is therefore horrible. Just kidding, but it's not exactly "Magneto & Titanium Man," is it? Okay, this song can stay.

Overall, this album is one of the strongest Wings albums. The half-written fillery things are barely even there, and the only truly worthless track is "Morse Moose & The Grey Goose." Lots of lost McCartney classics on this thing! Could have been tighter, though.

Song: "Cafe On The Left Bank"... probably about them soakin' slits.

Wings - Wings Over America

Did you guys know that I used to think that Wings was Paul McCartney's christian rock band? It's true, it's mainly because of that episode of The Simpsons where an angelic figure helps The Simpsons get through their family crisis and says "I really earned my wings" but was actually talking about a Wings album. Plus albums with titles like this, Wings Over America, it just sounds like a fun-for-the-whole-family sort of thing. All sinners will be casted down to hell. but Paul McCartney albums will save your soul from eternal damnation. This album was pretty much tailored for consumption by cholos and n-words. He raps all over this album and even pulls a couple Beatles tunes from the archives. It's completely non-essential. Paul doesn't do anything interesting live, and he doesnt't even have any witty banter. Plus, did I mention it's nearly 2 hours long? I don't even like listening to bands I love for 2 hours.

Rating: Completely useless, it sold a lot though, who knows why. I guess this McCartney feller is pretty popular

Song: You don't need one, it's just a live album, and I'm lazy.

Wings - Wings At The Speed Of Sound

Is this album called At the Speed Of Sound or Wings At The Speed Of Sound? Fuck you, Paul, fucking cockstain. Wipe the cum dribbling out of your mouth, this is professional, at least have the courtesy of telling me what your album name is. God damn you.



SO it was apparent at this point in Paul's career that he had nothing left to say. Something that would be further proven on his over-huge jello jiggler of a live album later the year this album came out. Venus & Mars was definitely a step down from Band On The Run, but it was a fun, goofy album in comparison and as such, can stand on it's own hind legs as a powerful album in the McCartney canon. This, however, Paul isn't even trying on this one. The songs he lays down on this little slab of scrap metal are all enjoyable, yeah, but nothing as feverish and as swindling as his earlier work. Plus, he makes the awful mistake of his talentless sidemen to either sing or write half of this thing. I'd actually put this as my third favorite Wings album if it was McCartney coasting throughout the whole thing. McCartney coasting is still, well at least fun to listen to. I don't want to hear what Denny Hastert has to say about his life, or Linda McCartney's adventures in the kitchen as sucking her husbands obese balls.

Rating: Its a stunner and a blunder, a winner and a sinner, a meatball and a slimeball. Cum balls, pick it up for "Let em in" or "Silly Love Songs," two of the best singles he's written since 1974, or just get a stupid compilation you fucking white boy.

Song: Let Em In - I wish this song was as good as I think it is, but it's not. This is still a decent album better than the first two Wings albums though.

Wings - Venus & Mars

Hey, it's Wings! The genuine good timey ROCK 'N ROLL BAND! They open their album with a song called "Rock Show." It's a ROCK SONG. With cowbell!!! It includes the lyrics:

You've got long hair
At the Madison Square
You've got rock 'n roll
At the Hollywood Bowl

Awesome, right??? The first couple Wings albums were boring and half-assed. The third one was focused and fucking classic. This one is just hilarious, and thus, endlessly enjoyable. There are all these stupid songs liked "Magneto & Titanium Man" and then there are a bunch of funny voices and dumb genre exercises. Really cuttin' loose with this one! Goooood shiiiiit!!!!! "You've Got The Answer" is the fruitiest thing I've ever heard. "Letting Go" is FUNKY 70S DISCO SLOW GROOVEZ. "Medicine Jar" is generic 70s cock rock. Denny Laine or some non-Paul McCartney guy sings on a few songs. They suck.

Awesome fucking album.

Rating: Better than all the Beatles albums combined. 1000/10.

Song: "Magneto & Titanium Man"... I WOULD PAY 80 DOLLARS FOR A DOUBLE VINYL + CD "DISCBOX" WITH NOTHING BUT THIS SONG, THAT'S HOW GREAT IT IS.

Paul McCartney & Wings - Band On The Run

After the relative disappointment of Red Rose Speedway and Wild Life, and yeah, I say relative because it's fucking Paul McCartney, dude could fart out a melody better than some of the shit he tossed onto those last two albums. I doubt any critic was going to give him the time of day. Really, who could blame them though? John Lennon was releasing albums like Hey Check Out The Sounds I Can Make By Flapping My Buttcheeks Together To Make Words and Sounds and George Harrison releasing his ultra hit triple album Cloud Nine. Critics knew the real tasty shit was coming out of the other little buggers. The thing is, well, they're completely wrong. Paul hadn't released a bad album yet, per se. They were just a bunch of tossed up little goofy Paul McCartney songs. They're going to be fun to listen to, definitely nothing objectionable in the least, but at the same time, who the fuck wants to listen to 40-45 minutes of Paul McFuckinFartney singin "ooh I love you" pretty much over and over again? Paul needed some more variety in his releases, one of the great things about The Beatles is that they covered virtually every piece of songwriting territory out there as well as forging ahead on new ones. Paul had either forgotten about this or was so busy sniffing his hot wife's hairy stinky pussy to give three or four shits.

Paul, due to his rampant stinky pussy eatin', seemed to be content released silly faggot rocker or pussy shit ballad. Ram was a great album and certainly was of Beatles-tier in terms of quality, and while I wouldn't specifically call it diverse, it could easily be argued it was the strongest set of songs he ever released. Band On The Run, on the other hand, is all up diverse in this motherfucker right here. All these songs cover different territory. Sure, Paul was still really into some sort of weird prog fetish at the time, but I think it worked out for the best. The songs, while maybe not as strong in substance as Ram, certainly work, but in a different way. Band On The Run is just classic after classic, fuck the introspective bullshit. This is just a pure pop album and is the king shit of all fuck pop albums.

Fuck Ram, Band On The Run is my jam! Nah, just kidding. but seriously my jewish friends. Band On The Run isn't just the best Paul McCartney album, it's also one of the greatest albums of all-time. Period. I'd put this above any Beatles album besides The White Album and maybe Rubber Soul, and certainly I'd put it way the fuck over all those shitty Lennon albums and could take down All Things Must Pass without breaking a sweat and still eat Sentimental Journey's shit for breakfast.

Curious as it is, while this isn't as nearly as personal of an album as Ram, it strangely has perhaps some of the best lyrics Paul ever penned in his music career. These songs don't really make any sense or whatever, but they're certainly coherant, and from a dude who's first solo release had songs that go "lalalalal" and "that would be something" over and over until I tuck my scrotum in my ass, it's certainly an accomplishment.

Problems with this album? Nah. Filler tracks? Nope, no filler on a Paul McCartney album. I know, it's strange isn't it? It's kind of weird how Paul was able to pull a album of this caliber out of his shithole in 1974, but at the same time it's like, shit. There's absolutely no excuse why every Wings album don't sound like this. It's fucking Paul McCartney! Guy wrote "Yesterday," "For No One," "Michelle," and "You Won't See Me" all within a fuckin year of each other. Get out of town, asshole. All you can give me is two bona-fide classic albums in the 70s and then a bunch of relatively enjoyable dick shit records? Fuck you, sir!

Rating: Simply the best, do yourself a favor, ignore Paul's rep as a fluffy little poo poo, and remember that this dude was in the fuckin' Beatles and just pick up this goddamn album. Goddammit, everyone should own this. Also, one last thing. This is easily the fullest album he had recorded up to this point. His first two were solo efforts, and the second two were Wings albums, but whatever. The production on this one actually sounds like a real band like Foo Fighters recorded this because Foo Fighters are awesome. Lush, heavenly, masterful, just Paul. Love you, man.

Song: Nineteen Hundred and Eighty Five - Fucking menacing piano pop!