Solid Little Rock Jams

Paul McCartney - McFartney II

Remember how Paul's first album was just a bunch of home-recorded, half-assed 4-track bullshit? This is more of that, pretty much. But wait! It's 1980 or something and Paul has a DRUM MACHINE and SYNTHESIZERS and all this shit. We're not just stuck with shitty acoustic guitars this time around. Not just a bunch of dicking around here. This, my friends, is THE FUTURE OF MUSIC.

Oh, did I say music? More like "Bogey Music"! And did I say "not just a bunch of dicking around here"? LOL @ that statement, seriously. Do you like filler? This is pretty much a whole album of the stuff. Everything from completely worthless, synthy instrumentals, to lazy-as-shit "rock 'n roll" crap, to some seriously OUT THE ASS sap ballads. Seriously, "Summer's Day Song"? "One of These Days"? How fucking lame are these songs? I mean, they're awesome and all, but shit. They just ain't as unembarassingly great as "The Back Seat of My Car." Or "My Love," for that matter. Yet the production is so fucking weird, and Paul clearly wasn't recording these songs with the intention of having anybody hear them, it doesn't really matter that they're totally pussyish.

"Waterfalls" is also an out-the-ass sap ballad, but it's also one of the most beautiful melodies he ever wrote. And the fuckin' thing is so goshdarn MINIMAL! There's a couple keyboards and that's it. Wasn't this a minor hit back in the day? Kind of a weird song to propel an unknown such as Paul McJagger to instant stardom. Also, it contains the lyric, "Don't go chasing polar bears/in the great unknown/some big friendly polar bear/might want to take you home." Shit almost manages to beat "I was talking to an Eskimo/said he was hoping for a fall of snow/when up popped a sea lion ready to go" in the "tantalizing arctic imagery" department.

Of course, the real treat here is the absolutely fucking mind-melting "Temporary Secretary." Over a "bass-snare-bass-snare" drum machine beat and one of the most fucked up arpeggiated synth lines to ever grace AN OFFICIALLY RELEASED SINGLE BY A FORMER BEATLE (!!!), Paul pretty much sings what might just be the most blatantly sexist lyrics he has ever written. In double-tracked monotone robot vocals, for that matter!!! He needs some worthless female to ride his cock for a bit! His reg-u-lar has been getting sick! Mr. Marks better send her quick! You need to listen to these lyrics, seriously. They're disgusting. Also, Paul yelling "I NEED AH!!!! I NEED AH!!!!!" at the 1:53 mark is perhaps the highpoint of his career as a musician. Not joking at all. This song just fucking destroys me. Seriously, around the 0:06 mark there are these two or three acoustic guitar strums that seem clearly left in by accident. What the fuck was anybody doing releasing this crap as "the new Paul McCartney album"?

I mean, one of the tracks is called "Frozen Jap." What the fuck was wrong with this dude? Best part is that right before deciding to release this thing, he spent nine days in A JAPANESE PRISON CELL (perhaps this brings us closer to the mystery of that wonderful, wonderful song title?) for carrying a bunch of pot in his luggage. Awesome, right? Fuck trying to have a "rock band" or whatever. Paul had seen the future, and the future involved running around with cows and sheep and goats on his farm like a jackass and dicking around with synthesizers. Not until Chaos & Creation In The Backyard would he revisit the overdub-happy one-man-album format! And that album actually sounds like competently made "normal music," but that's because Nigel Godrich MAN, I WAS GOING TO MAKE A JOKE ABOUT NIGEL GODRICH, BUT LET ME JUST SAY THAT THE NEW FUCKING RADIOHEAD ALBUM COMES OUT TOMORROW AND I'M OVER HERE REVIEWING FUCKING MCCARTNEY II, SERIOUSLY, FUCK EVERYBODY.

Rating: One of the most enjoyable start-to-finish albums Paul ever cut. So many wonderfully bizarre experiments. None of this "trying to be a rock band" or "trying to be taken seriously" or any of that shit. What the hell could be more exciting than PAUL-FUCKING-MCCARTNEY just not giving a fuck and shitting out all these diverse, goofy defamations of the very concept of "pop music" or whatever? Genius. Absolute fucking genius.

Song: "Temporary Secretary"... has to be heard to be believed. Fuck.